A character in Top Gear
Played by James May
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 559 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (323), Richard Hammond (261)
[to the camera while James looks through the tool cabinet] All he's done, all morning.. he files. He takes stuff out and then puts it back and files it where it's supposed to be. James!
JamesWhat?
Stop filing!
James[losing patience] I'm looking for the sodding socket thing that you need to take that out. Do you know where it is? Do you know where it is?
No! No!
JamesDo you know what it looks like?
Yes!
JamesNo, you don't!
[Hammond has just flipped his Suzuki Super Carry.]
So, um, I guess he could be dead!
JamesWell, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...
Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was...
I may have... have overcooked that a bit.
...BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS!"
[on Richard's return]
Anyway, listen. This is the big question. I guess everybody wants to know. Are you ready? Are you now a mental?
No!
[the audience laughs]
I'm not! I'm fixed! I'm completely fixed, and normal, and healed. Thank you. What are you doing?
JamesI thought you might need these... [hands Hammond tissues] ...in case you start dribbling.
That's all I've had for four months...
JamesWhat? Tissues?
No! People hanging around just watching, waiting for my eyes to point in different directions and for me to go bonkers. I'm fixed, I'm normal.
Are you the same person that you were before?
Yes! I mean, the doctors were worried, because it's brain damage, you know... personality change or whatever, but... no, the only difference between me now and me before the crash is... I like celery now and I didn't... before.
So you're still shouty? You're still fighty?
Yes...
JamesAnd if I take you to the pub, are you still going to want to punch me in the face after 15 minutes?
Yes, though that's, to be honest, more [gestures to Jeremy] your personality than mine.
I always want to punch him in the face after 15 minutes, sometimes less.
Yeah, that's perfectly normal.
[during the roadworks, Jeremy is playing Margaret Thatcher's speeches on the loudspeaker]
(voiceover) At 4 am, there were still 700 yards to go, and the men were flagging. So, I brought out the motivational big gun.
(over loudspeakers) ...another winter of discontent.
This is... Thatcher? To motivate the men?
This is going well.
(over loudspeakers) ...and I hope it will be followed by a winter of common sense.
JamesYes! I like that one! (applauds)
Don't, you'll encourage him!
(voiceover) The chaps, however, were not Telegraph readers like James. So I promised them that the sooner they finished laying, the sooner I'd switch her off.
[regarding James' Cadillac]
JamesIt isn't fast, b--
You don't say, it's not fast! Is it not mate? I took one look and thought, "ooo, it looks like a Lotus Exige!"
[Over the CB radios] Brokeback, Brokeback. This is Murderer.
This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain.
[Shot of Jeremy, looking confused as the sound that spews out of the CB radio is entirely indecipherable] I wonder why these CB radios never caught on...
JamesBreaker breaker One-Nine Contact Eyeball Ten Ten 'till we do it again Captain Slow.
He's there! [Points out the window to James' car] He's there and I can't understand him!
[As the trio decides to flee the gas station]
JamesHammond?
What?
JamesJump leads!
You're joking...
[after wiping of the "offending" artwork]
With the artwork gone, we hit the road...hard.
I'm doing something I'd never thought I would do. I am running for the border.
JamesGod in heaven, that was actually frightening.
They could've killed us!
They really do have an irony deficiency here. I can honestly believe that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables.
[Still on the Porsche 911, after Hammond explained the intricacies of using it in daily life]
JamesSo in the real world my 1.2 litre Fiat Panda is faster to the shops.
No mate, it's just not.
JamesBecause I've got to put the seatbelt on once. You have got to do it six times.
OK, I've got to do that and wait whilst you put your seatbelts on and then go through all your preflight checks, and make sure all the airvents are all in the same direction. [audience laughing]
[About the BBC requiring all its employees to take a safe driving course]
[Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.
JamesStop driving or you'll go blind.
Exactly!
[after the Reliant shuttle crashed and exploded]
JamesThat's why...
How are we going to use it again?
[the trio debate Clarkson's haircut]
JamesI had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".
I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.
JamesSo why didn't you?
[during the news]
[to May] Hey.. you can tell Kristin Scott Thomas is coming into the studio as a guest today.
JamesHow?
[pointing at Jeremy] He's wearing a suit! Look at him.
[unconvincingly] All my jeans are in the wash.
Oh, really. All of a sudden — 92 programs we've done, you've been in jeans. Now today when Kristin's coming in, they're all mucky.
JamesI thought he was going for a job interview.
[trying to continue with the show] This Maserati—
James[to Richard] He's had his hair cut as well..
I have had my hair cut, because it was too long.
JamesI had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".
I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.
JamesSo why didn't you?
SHUT UP!
JamesNow, you know that new law about kids under four foot five, they have to use booster seats in the car?
[pointing at Richard] He does.
Yes, all right. I just knew...
JamesAll right. People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in the car. Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law, and d'you know why? They do not have the - [breaks up giggling] They do not have the legal - [breaks up giggling again]
I can't wait for this now. The legal... ?
JamesBecause they do not have - the legal right - to me-measure children!
Just measure them?
JamesSo if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, "Quick, call the - oh."
So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera by the road, to monitor children in cars and make sure they -
No, no, no, you can't video children. You ever been to a school sports day? You have to ask every parent there before you're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.
Well, go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they'll let you do it.
[on the impending sale of Aston Martin]
The leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium.
JamesCarpets'll be nice.
Really, really elaborate. Really elaborate.
Yeah, and buying one is going to be interesting. You go down to "my brother's Abdel Martin shop".
James[bad Egyptian accent] "For you, my friend... "
"... I make nice special price."
James"Special price."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
