Listed as the Top Gear: US Special
“February 11th, 2007” · Season 9, Episode 3
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (17), Richard Hammond (12), James May (4)
[on the Big Stig]
Some say that he's a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's American cousin!
[at a car dealer in Miami]
It's $2900 this. It's a big ask to get him down to a thousand. I might offer him a burger...
[the obese car dealer arrives to show the vehicle]
Very popular with murderers, these cars.
OCObese Car Dealer
Yeah.
[To the car dealer] How much murdering goes on here?
CDCar Dealer
A lot. If you go one mile away from here- if you go to any street-
I'll be murdered.
CDCar Dealer
Yeah. Everybody up here, they got guns. Including me. Wanna see? [Pulls out a gun]
He's not joking!
CDCar Dealer
It's real- here- [takes out the magazine, hands the gun to Jeremy]
[takes the gun] Now, you see, I wasn't ready for that.
CDCar Dealer
Welcome to United States.
[cut to Jeremy walking out of a door, carrying a rifle]
[to camera] This is his other gun. [To the dealer] That's not a shotgun Robert, that's a rifle.
CDCar Dealer (Robert, I guess.)
Yeah, that's a rifle. The Shotgun is... somewhere else. I don't know.
You need this if you're going to be a car salesman?
RRobert
The guy right here, If you go two blocks down here, he got shot 5 times.
Why, by someone buying a car?
RRobert
He killed the guy.
HE killed the guy?
RRobert
He killed the guy.
So why have you got telescopic sights on here?
RRobert
Because if they go far away you just shoot them. You saw the movie, John Wayne? The guy is runnning all the way, like 500 feet, and phyw! You shoot him right there.
[cut to Richard answering his phone]
Hammond.
Yes, Jeremy, How're you doing?
Just been told by my new best friend- Robert, the Persian- if you go beyond 79th street you will definitely be murdered.
[looks panicked] What?
Good bye. [hangs up]
[cut to Jeremy] Jeremy: Hammond is wearing cowboy boots. They're gonna shoot him, aren't they?
[cut to Richard, confused]: Is it south or north of 79th street? I can't go.
[cut to Richard walking along a street] (voiceover) Richard: I decided the best plan was to stay on 79th street itself.
He's wearing cowboy boots... he's gonna be shot!
[regarding James being late]
He will have walked into a dealership - [imitating James' voice] "Hello!" - and they'll have shot him!
[Richard laughs]
[regarding James' Cadillac]
It isn't fast, b--
You don't say, it's not fast! Is it not mate? I took one look and thought, "ooo, it looks like a Lotus Exige!"
[on Richard's pick-up truck] You saw Brokeback Mountain and thought "I want a piece of that life." Not that piece, I'll have the pick-up truck.
[Over the CB radios] Brokeback, Brokeback. This is Murderer.
This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain.
[Shot of Jeremy, looking confused as the sound that spews out of the CB radio is entirely indecipherable] I wonder why these CB radios never caught on...
Breaker breaker One-Nine Contact Eyeball Ten Ten 'till we do it again Captain Slow.
He's there! [Points out the window to James' car] He's there and I can't understand him!
[imitating a lorry driver in Florida] It's raining, I'm going north and I'm looking for a whore!
JM[James May explaining the artwork on his car]
To understand what Jeremy has done to the car, you must understand that this is deep Republican territory. That woman is the Arch-Democrat. She's the Anti-Christ.
[Jeremy and the others are passing into Alabama and notice bullet-holes in the sign]
They shot their own sign. What are they gonna do to us?
[escaping the redneck gas station]
I've just remembered, I've actually got loads of petrol. [drives off]
[As the trio decides to flee the gas station]
Hammond?
What?
Jump leads!
You're joking...
[after wiping of the "offending" artwork]
JJeremy (narrating)
With the artwork gone, we hit the road...hard.
I'm doing something I'd never thought I would do. I am running for the border.
God in heaven, that was actually frightening.
They could've killed us!
They really do have an irony deficiency here. I can honestly believe that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables.
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