[voiceover] The next morning, we were told our problem would not be gunk, but dust, so James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.
[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]
I've teamed my kikoi with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see The Clash. [voiceover] Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?
[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a massive dust storm]
Oh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]
Richard[voiceover] Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]
Richard
I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.
Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.
[his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?
[voiceover] James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
[to James] I've got consumption and TB.
I've got every single 1920's disease.
[reading new challenge] "You will drive your cars to Namibia through the Okavango Delta."
That's the really big wildlife place... [makes a gesture with his arms]
In the Okavango, you will encounter many deadly animals, including lions, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas, wild dogs, hippos, Black rhino and crocodile. [short pause] Bird snakes, shield-nosed snakes, puff adders, boomslang, cobras, banded cobras, black mambas, black widows and thick-tailed scorpions.
What about the honey badger?
Richard
The what?
That's the least scary sounding animal in the world.
A honey badger does not kill you to eat you, it tears off your testicals.
Richard
It does not!
Why's it called the honey badger?
Richard
Exactly!
That's what's made it angry.
Richard
Why isn't it called "the badger of death?"
[narrating, about the Okavango Delta] This is where amateur cameramen come to make a name for themselves with Attenborough. But unfortunately, our film crew are best, really, with cars.
[There is footage of the crew making poor attempts to film the wildlife as they pass]
[speaking into his radio] If we ever do a show called "the back end of an animal..."
Richard
[mimicking announcer] This week, on "Too Late to Look..."
[on the Aston Martin V8 Vantage]
I would rather be in this, than in Keira Knightley.
Richard
I wouldn't. (Shaking his head while the crowd laughs). I wouldn't.
[...]
And now the news: and this just in from Keira Knightley: She says she's disappointed but she understands.
[on The Mitsubishi i]
Richard
Now, Mitsubishi, you know Mitsubishi, makers of the Evo and all that, they've now introduced a new turbocharged, mid-engine car. Yeah, you want to see it?
Richard
Here it is... (Shows the picture of an i car). It's called the i car. No, no, hang on, because it.. it might be ugly, but at least it's.. slow.
[...]
Richard
It's also got hypo-allergenic seats...
What that give you eczema?
Richard
No...
[on The Mitsubishi i's deodorizing roof lining]
If you, um, break wind, in the car. The smells are absorbed into the roof lining.
Richard
It's deodorizing, that's what it does. So, basically, the seats absorb your eczema, and the roof lining absorbs your fart. Which is very clever, but you wouldn't want to buy one second hand now would you?
[on the car's loss in the race]
Richard
Can I clear something up? I don't get this. Watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrive fifteen minutes after everybody else. Now if I remember correctly when I got there, James, you were already there and had been for ages.
He was, and you know something else? I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
Yes, and I'm pretty sure I remember going straight past Hammond with his head stuck in some railings.
Richard
That happened!
And you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have done it by boat! And there you go, what Top Gear - which is a trusted, factual, award winning show - has proved is, despite what you saw in that stupid and misleading film the car was the fastest!
[starting the news]
And now the news. And I'm afraid it's very bad; Jeremy Clarkson has a cold.
[as he sits down] I have NOT got a cold, I've got bird flu.
[Audience laughs]
I have. I am now living breathing proof, soon to not be living or breathing, that it can jump species.
Richard
Wow... but hey, this means it's just one step away from humans.
[on petrol going up to a pound a litre.]
And it's a good job your car doesn't run on bull semen.
Richard
Well it is, yes. But why?
Because you know how much bull semen is?
Do you know? I can't remember off the top of my head.
Richard
No way!
[after explaining why he (Jeremy) paid 35,000 pounds on petrol.]
I reckoned you spent it on bull sperm.
Richard
Did you not notice the pump was different?
[laughing, with the audience laughing as well]
Richard
[imitates a bull noise]. It keeps moving! Now it's chasing me! I don't want it any more.
[audience laughs]
I've got bird flu. Be nice.
[on the Alfa-Romeo 159.]
Now, Alfa-Romeo has launched a replacement for its 156, which is called the 159.
Richard
Oh actually James, that was launched two years ago.
Yes it was, but we weren't paying attention.
LLawrence
[on the Premier League in football] We call it the Andrex Premiership because it's soft and unnecessarily expensive.
Richard
....and in the Transit, we've got Desperate! (i.e. James May)
Richard
[on the motorhome race]: The rules were simple. 15 laps and no body contact. [cut to scene of motorhomes crashing into each other] Mind you, we had invited touring car drivers!
I've just seen the door of a kitchen unit on the track,and that doesn't happen at Silverstone.
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
