[From the unedited news]
RichardAlthough it gives me an idea, 'cause we've got our track here; why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people smoke while they're driving.
Richard
Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.
Richard
Yeah! Round our track.
And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!
Richard
Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!
Richard
So, the cars. James?
Richard
I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.
I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.
Hang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?
Richard
Yes! We're back in business!
Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!
[Upon inspection of James' Aston Martin V8 Vantage N24]
Richard
James... that is just a racing car!
It hasn't got anything in it at all! It doesn't even have a passenger seat!
This isn't just some road car Porsche with a bit of scaffolding in the back. It's two hundred and fifty kilograms lighter than the standard car! That's the weight of a big motorcycle.
Richard
So, you've got no radio...
Richard
No air conditioning.
James, you have got a car with no air conditioning, in the south of France, in the middle of summer.
Richard
It's better than that! His windows don't open!
Richard
That's a cat flap!
[Richard drops his Porsche pipe]
Richard
I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!
Mine won't start properly.
Richard
No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.
[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]
Richard
No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!
It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.
Richard
[To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]
[...]
[Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...
Richard
You see? He's pointing!
I haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.
[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]
[Richard, James and audience laugh]
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]
Richard
Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...
'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]
[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]
Richard
Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.
[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]
Richard
What're you like on Bonfire Night? You bloody idiot.
[After James' Triumph Herald sank for the final time]
Richard
James' Herald was now beyond repair, fortunately, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.
[Revs engine and splashes James with water]
Richard
Imagine if you will that you've bought a Bugatti Veyron. It's a big investment! You'd be very excited about the day it was to be arriving. So you'd imagine such a thing would be delivered, you know, on like a golden carriage on a bed of swan's feathers. It's a special moment in your life.
I'd want mine borne aloft by sixteen greased, naked eunuchs. That's what I'd want.
Richard
Whatever, the point is, that's the sort of thing you'd expect. It's a big moment. In Russia they do things a little bit differently. Here is one, being transported... [photo of a Veyron on the back of a grubby, industrial Russian truck] There's your Bugatti. [bad Russian accent] "I've brought your Bugatti, sir, it is here!" What, it's on a flatbed pickup!
[also in bad Russian accent] Great success!
Richard
That's a disappointment in your life.
[Talk about Lamborghini Reventón.]
Richard
Anyway, it has a 6.5L V12.
Richard
Yep, whatever. It can do two hun...
Richard
Please stop that, it's very annoying. It can do 220 miles per..
Richard
Leave it!!
[Ending their feature of the Reventón]
Couple of problems: One, they're only making twenty and only one's coming to Britain; the other thing is, eight hundred thousand pounds!
Richard
Yep, that is quite a lot...
Hmmn... But with this, you would get a lot of badge.
Richard
Badge? (ponders, then realizes...)... Oh! V-NO! No no no.
Think I got away with that. So!
[After James drives off without Jeremy and Richard]
He may be mechanically confident, but he has just turned right. Into...
Richard
Zimbabwe!
Yes, Zimbabwe, which is where, I should point out, the BBC is not allowed.
[James' car is seen driving hastily away in the other direction, prompting laughter]
[After they reach their first campsite]
[reading challenge] "Stretching before you is the Makgadikgadi. These are the biggest salt flats in the world. Almost completely lifeless, and as wide as Portugal. No car has ever driven across them. If you run out of water, you will die. If your car breaks down, and you can't be rescued, you will die. If you run out of food, you will die. It's like driving on a creme brulee. There's a prime-evil ooze covered with a thin layer of salty crust. If you have thin tyres, you will break through that crust, get stuck, and you will die." So it advises to fit fat tyres and remove as much weight as possible before setting off. Well how hard can it be?
Richard
Don't say that!
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
