Have you ever wanted to buy, OK, a sports car that's got a diesel engine, top speed of 150 miles an hour, that's a high-riding 4x4 off-road car and is also a four-seater convertible?
James and Richard, in unison: No.
Neither have I. But Audi's made one anyway. Here it is.
RichardWhat! What do you do with it?
I've no idea. It's called the Cross Cabriolet. Not as cross as the owner's going to be when he buys it and realized he looks like Graham Norton's plumber.
[At the former site of Longbridge when Jeremy opens his car door, the interior of the door stays put. All three burst out laughing]
I opened the door! The door's still there! It's gone back to Longbridge!
Richard
It's on strike!
[Richard's Triumph Dolomite Sprint has just failed the handbrake test, nearly running him over as it rolls freely backward down the slope]
Richard
Ah! That's not gone well.
[The Dolly Sprint crashes into the 33.3% Grade sign at the bottom of the slope]
Richard
Sorry! Sorry, that's gone badly wrong. It's gonna come - sorry!
[looking on with Clarkson and laughing] Having failed the handbrake test, he's knocked down the sign warning him how steep the hill is.
[voiceover] Still, every cloud and all that...
Richard
Very good test of how fast it goes... backwards... with the handbrake on.
[After Jeremy completes his ride comfort with eggs test, he wipes the egg from his hair using the driver's seat of Richard's car].
[voiceover] ... Except I was desperately needed to wash my hair.
Richard
Oh get off Jeremy! That's disgus...ting [Jeremy is now standing up.]
What I have just done is I've wiped my hair on a seat that's 30 years old and has had some Midlander's bottom on it!
Actually, it's a good point, because my dad had three of those, and none of the doors ever fell off.
No, it's not Rover's fault. They were built brilliantly.
Richard
In fact, I seem to remember that at the time, the SD1 was often praised for the way its... back doors... stayed on.
[tallying the scores at the end of the British Leyland challenge]
Yeah, now this, we got 20p for every yard you covered — you did 1,500 yards, so...
Richard
Uh..
I was just— It was right on the tip of my tongue. [updates the scoreboard]
I did 4,500 yards, which I think you'll find is £900.
[James basks in the audience's adulation while Jeremy writes the number down]
Richard
[helpfully] That's two pounds!
[speculating on the survey responses that led a Toyota marketing survey to imply that 28% of Europeans want their cars to make them feel ill]
Richard
That doesn't seem - "Oh, I love my Mondeo because every time I start the engine it gives me scurvy, and that's a good thing in my life!"
"I chose Porsche because it brings on rectal prolapse."
[on the qualifying]
What if I have to get out of somebody's way to let him go by...
Richard
...I don't know, I don't know...
This is without any question or shadow of doubt the scariest thing I've ever done.
Richard
Yes...
Richard [irritated]: That's bad?
[two hours before the race is scheduled to start, James comes up to Jeremy and Richard]
[on the qualifying in the night]
Richard
[voiceover] Then it was Jeremy's turn.
Holy cow, I can't see a thing...
Richard
[voiceover] He tried to cure the lack of visibility with speed.
I just took Bridge Corner flat, first time I...oh, I'm off! People behind me must be thinking, "Who is this clown?"
[During the night in the race, Jeremy is in the driver's seat]
I'm coming up behind those Italians in the 1 Series! Look at this, it's neck on neck...now he's come across my nose! We saved you from the Germans, and that's what I get?!
Richard
[talking into his radio] Don't wreck the car!
[while The Stig is at the wheel]
...and even though the missing splitter was ruining the handling, nothing was gonna stop him - nothing!
Richard
Right now, at this very moment, the computers tell us The Stig is having a wee in the car - and I'm next... [grins nervously]
[at the end of the race, back in the hangar]
Richard
Can I just say, that was the hardest thing we've ever done - being nice to each other for 24 hours.
Well, you know when you pulled up in the pits and you said "Good luck, mate", I nearly crashed!
Richard
Ooh, I felt dirty saying it, mate; it was wrong.
Still, we ended up coming third in our class...
...out of five, yes, and we finished 39th out of 46, [turning to James] partly actually because you drove so slowly!
Ooh, now, come on a minute...
Richard
Actually, hang on, you risked us not finishing at all by driving like an idiot in that last stint...
No, but wait, we would have finished 10th, mathematical certainty, if you hadn't hit that Mosler! We would have been 10th!
Richard
You said it wasn't my fault...
I was being nice, I didn't mean it...
Hey, this is more like it, isn't it? Normal service is being resumed!
We had a letter from the BBC, and they said what with petrol being £5.50 and all the rest of it, what we should actually be doing is giving some advice on... fuel economy and... saving money!
Richard
Yeah. Unfortunately, that letter was opened, by him. [points at Clarkson]
Yes. And I decided the best thing we could do was gather five supercars together and have a race!
[Jeremy has suggested that they steal a fuel tanker]
Put it in here, Google Earth'll never spot it. Honestly, 'cause if you think about it, 50,000 litres... [gets out a calculator and starts figuring]
Richard
That's a lot.
... of fuel, OK... That would be enough to get your Mustang... [continues calculating] ... home!
Richard
Brilliant! Well, to Guildford.
[on the Hyundai Genesis]
Anyway, this is called the Genesis, all right? Which probably means that in a couple of years the front'll leave and Phil Collins'll move in there instead.
No, actually, strictly speaking, Phil Collins will come round from the back to take place at the front.
Oh, leaving Chester Thompson at the back.
Yeah, exactly, and then occasionally Phil Collins will have to go back to the back with Chester Thompson...
Richard
I don't know what you two are saying now.
No, it's got a V6 engine, 3.8 litres, and in between the bank you've got a 25-minute keyboard solo.
Richard
[looking baffled] You're using words but it means nothing.
Would you rather it were called the Hyundai Westlife?
Richard
Yeah, all right. Thank you.
The Hyundai Girls Aloud, Hammond Edition.
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
