A character in Top Gear
Played by Jeremy Clarkson
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
Most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 1,331 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Richard Hammond (406), James May (323), Stephen Ladyman (5)
Jeremy[voiceover, with the scene showing Richard Hammond driving very slowly] This had a dramatic effect on the way Hammond drove.
(slowly) 6? I don't know how you could score less. Would have to have, like, wheels missing. Or a tiger in it.
Jeremy(mimicking the opening sequence) Tonight, on first gear. Richard Hammond drives across Germany in a deathtrap.
[Comparing the three luxury supercars' looks]
JeremyYou've got [Pointing at the Aston Martin Rapide] the ballet dancer, [Pointing at the Maserati Quattroporte GTS] the hitman, and... [Pointing at the Porsche Panamera]
Someone who's just been found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.
JeremyYes. And THAT [pointing at the Maserati] is the man who threw him there. [Richard and Jeremy laugh]
Wait, I wanted to drive the Maserati!
Jeremy[In a high-pitched voice, while driving away] Toodalooooooooo!
[Coming up new ways for Aston Martin to lower their CO2 emissions rather than making the Cygnet]
Hang on a minute. If they just need to bring their average CO2 down, why don't they just buy a bicycle factory?
Or they should do Aston Martin flowers, 'cause they suck in CO2 and put out oxygen, and that would bring it crashing down!
JeremyI think it has to be a mode of transport... you can't go to work on some flowers. A horse?
Scissors.
JeremyHave you ever tried sitting on a pair of scissors? [laughter]
Not yet.
He probably has actually.
JeremyIt won't work. A cow? A cow --
Ostriches. They're quite exotic.
[During the news]
JeremyIt has been wrongly assumed that blind people can't drive.
Well, they can't.
Yeah, realistically they can't...
JeremyNo, no, no. Blind people can drive. Just mostly into things.
[After describing the problems in his Land Rover] Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...
[The camera cuts to the front of Jeremy's car, which is swaying from side to side rather violently due to the height of Jeremy's "flats"]
Jeremy[trying desperately to control his Citroen] Ahh! Ahh! AHHH! Oh my God! No, this is terrifying! I can't begin to describe what this feels like. Oookay, wallowing quite badly. [narrating] I asked James to pull in behind to assess the gravity of the situation... but he wasn't much help. [the camera cuts to inside James' car, where James is roaring with laughter.] And to be honest, nor was Hammond. [the camera cuts to inside Richard's car, where he is also in complete hysterics.]
JeremyI've cocked up, I know I've cocked up. Wahaaa, low bridge!
[over the walkie-talkie after Jeremy cleared the bridge] Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?
Jeremy[to himself, muttering] No, I didn't. [over the walkie-talkie] Yes!
[smirking] He hasn't got a clue.
[Jeremy sees he is being overtaken by a huge lorry]
Jeremy[gasp of horror, then] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
[over the walkie-talkie, after witnessing Jeremy swerving frantically to maintain control and avoid the lorry] Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had on a road journey in my whole life! It's absolutely hilarious!
[after they leave the campsite]
Jeremy[over the walkie-talkie] James May.
[also over the walkie-talkie] Jeremy Clarkson.
JeremyWhat's it like driving around under a bucket of your own faeces?
Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment? [Jeremy laughs]
Jeremy[as they drive over a bridge and his block of flats starts to sway again] Woah!... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
[while Jeremy is supposed to be getting an ice cream for James and Richard...]
[narrating] While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.[speaking to James] You see where it drops away to the edge of the cliff?
Yeah.
If we pushed his car there, just park it on the edge. He won't be able to go forwards obviously...
I know what you're thinking.
...He'd never back it up.
That's brilliant!
Go on stick it down there, 'cause he'll see it from the bottom, he'll see the tower on the edge. [laughs]
He's taken the [keys].
Well push it, push it, push it!
[they start to push Jeremy's block of flats to the edge]
[cut to Jeremy who is licking an ice-cream on the pier, with the three cars on a cliff in the far background]
JeremyThat's good. [takes another lick] That's very good.
[cut back to James and Richard]
The handbrake's off.
Just get it, just get it right to the edge...
Yeah yeah.
I reckon if we...
Oh hang on...
That's not...
Oh f***..!
[cut to Jeremy]
JeremyIn weather like this, amongst scenery like that, holidaying in England...[takes a lick of the ice-cream]...even in a motor-home does make sense. [to the cameraman] Is that alright?
[as he's saying this his block of flats tumbles over the cliff, disintegrating into rubble in the process]
Jeremy[seeing the crew look behind him] What?[turns to look, sees the wreckage of his car lying on the beach, and turns back] What's that?
[During the news]
As you know, last week, there was some sort of football match on at the same time as us so I just wondered, who here watched Top Gear last week? Hands up if you did.
[Everyone except for Jeremy raises their hands]
I did! It was great! Jeremy? You?
JeremyI couldn't watch it.
Well, I be honest, I found the bit with the wedding a bit cringeworthy but I struggled on and made it to—
JeremyNo, I mean that I couldn't watch it because I was in Johannesburg.
Watching the finals. Oh great! So, the one week where we wanted to call in a bit of loyalty and you decided to go to South Africa and watch a Dutchman kick a Spaniard in the heart.
JeremyYes, I did.
[during the news]
JeremyNow normally I wouldn't bring this up, but Citroën UK has appointed a new sales director OK? And his name is Charles Peugeot. [laughter]
No, it isn't!
JeremyI have photographic proof from Citroën [photo is shown on screen, proving that he is indeed named Charles Peugeot]
It is! What were they thinking? What's his email address gonna be, charles.peugeot@citroën! [audience laughs]
Hang on, hang on! What if they are lots of people called Charles Peugeot working at Citroën, so he ends up being [dissolves into laughter], charles.peugeot405! Sorry, it wasn't worth it!
[On Jeff Goldblum's lap]
JeremyHere's what a little bird has told me, you did the entire lap, apart from the start, in third gear?
Well, this is the first I've heard that that might not be advisable. [laughter]
Jeremy[to Richard] Could you just make that go a bit further in the back?
[adjusting Jeremy's seat belt] I don't want you to ever say that to me again!
Has The Stig ever been to a car wash before?
JeremyNo, it'll be a whole new experience for him.
[After Richard introduced his Porsche GT3 RS]
JeremyWhat you've brought, mate, is a knife to a gunfight.
How do you make that out?
JeremyLet me explain, OK? Premiership [pointing to James' Ferrari 458 Italia], Premiership [pointing to his Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG], [pointing to Richard's Porsche] Johnstone's Paint Trophy.
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