A character in Top Gear
Played by Jeremy Clarkson
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
Most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 1,331 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Richard Hammond (406), James May (323), Stephen Ladyman (5)
[After pulling out Jeremy's Range Rover from the gulley]
[voiceover] We realized we'd have to build a bridge... which made one of us very excited.
JeremyI AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!
[to James] Has he got a chainsaw?
[Jeremy fires up the chainsaw]
JeremyOH YES!
[expressing annoyance] Oh God...
[In an attempt to cool his engine down, Jeremy stops to cut vents in the bonnet of his truck with a buzzsaw, but accidentally sets Richard's Toyota on fire with one of the sparks.]
Jeremy, my car's on fire!
JeremyWell, put beer on it!
I am but I've only got so much! [Richard empties his beer can onto the fire]
JeremyThere's a fire extinguisher in the car, but ...
[interrupting] You set my car on fire!
JeremyI haven't got my glasses.
Put the bloody pin out! [Jeremy finally puts out the flames with the extinguisher] You burned my Toyota! Thank you. Yeah.
[During their drive through the rainforest it begins to rain]
Jeremy[into walkie-talkie] Hammond?
[through walkie-talkie Yeah?
JeremyHow wet are you getting in this rain?
[cut to Richard who is soaking wet from the rain getting through the holes in his Land Cruiser]
[spits out water before replying with mock casualty] No, it's not bad actually.
Jeremy[attempting to waterproof their cars] Right. These are condoms...
Do you two need some time to yourselves?
[After emerging from the rainforest and onto a very rocky dirt road, James and Hammond's cars, due to poor suspension, are battered and clattering]
[in his truck, provoked] Aaaaagh, God!
[In James's truck]
[to his car] Stop it!!
[In Jeremy's truck, which hardly has any damage...]
Jeremy[into walkie-talkie] Uh, just answer me this simple question: How comfortable are you two right now?
[In Richard's Toyota]
[into walkie-talkie, sarcastic casualty] D'you know it's absolutely lovely, it's like a big bed and mattress. I really am - oh, yeah! Relaxing. Yeah...!
[James's truck goes over a bump]
Oh! Jesus.
[In Jeremy's truck]
JeremyHave I broken James's spine? There'll be two Ted Nugents in a minute.
[Back in Richard's truck]
[desperately irritated] Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!! [to the car] STOP RATTLING AT ME!
[Cut to Jeremy listening to Will Young's Grace on his iPod, perfectly comfortable]
[On the "Road of Death", regarding the broken suspension on James' car]
JeremyJames, I don't know about the rear suspension design on the Suzuki.
The shock absorber is traditionally attached at both ends.
[On the Road of Death, Jeremy with his eyes on a passing vehicle accidentally rams James despite being warned not to earlier on. Shaken and angry, James gets out with his machete and approaches Jeremy's car]
JeremySorry, I was...
[Overlapping] I was pretty f**king straight with you on this one, and now you're gonna get machete'd to death. [starts jabbing the blade at Jeremy's neck, half-threatening]
Jeremy[fending James off] Don't- I was watching the taxi!
[interrupting] I did warn you! Did I or did I not warn you?!
[In Richard's truck]
[casually observing the spectacle] James is killing Jeremy... Yeah, thing's are going well.
[Back to James and Jeremy]
JeremyI was watching the taxi.
You weren't!
JeremyI was watching the taxi.
JeremyWe now have to do the news and that's impossible, because it's not the week you think it is.
No, it's actually December, December 9th.
JeremyYes, it really is. You see we had the studio booked for today, and we've had to use it even though we know you're in 2010.
This is the past.
JeremyThis fly flying around here has actually died by the time you watch this. [laughter]
The real problem is obviously, that between now and when you're watching this, there's really anything could have happened. Somebody could have invented a car that I don't know, runs on jelly. We might have declared war with France... [pauses to smile suddenly]
[laughter from Jeremy and the studio]
So, instead of the news, what we're going to do, we're going to take a look ahead to some cars that are coming out -- this year.
JeremyThis year. This year.
Yes!
A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95, here it is.
JeremyUnless of course Saab went bust in the last two weeks.
Oh god, which is a real possibility!
JeremyTell you what seriously, James, James, really. Do this two ways, we will edit it.
Yeah.
Cover yourself.
[cheerful tone] A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95. There it is [car shown on the monitor]. [solemn tone] A car I was looking forward to was the new Saab 95. [laughter] That's what it was going to look like. They say --
JeremyNo, they said.
What?
JeremyThey said.
Oh, yes. They say, or said, that it's based on a jet fighter, or was, but it isn't wasn't. [laughter] It's actually based on a Vauxhall. You can or could get three engines, or maybe you could get three engines. The best of which was or is a 2.8 litre V6. That will start at about ?25,000. It looks great.
JeremyYou know what James, why haven't you got a Saab?
Because they've gone bust.
[while fastest Star in a Reasonably Priced Car Brian Johnson gives his acceptance speech in the monitor]
Thanks very much for this wonderful honour and for this fabulous trophy. [chuckles] You must have spent a fortune on this! [points to the trophy name plate] My name's Brian, not "Brain". And that's an ice hockey player on top of there, look, but never mind. This'll do me for now. So have a great time at Christmas and I'll see you soon, guys. Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye.
JeremyBrain Johnson!
Well, I'm sorry.
JeremyThat's the worst thing we've ever done.
It was cheap. It was cheap.
JeremyI don't believe that, the most exciting thing I've ever seen and some idiot at Television Centre cut to an advertisement for a stupid little Korean hatchback.
It's a good job ITV didn't cover the moon landings. 10 foot. BEEP. Five foot. BEEP. [singing] If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit...
JeremyCome on, I'm the tallest thing here.
It's not as bad as you think actually!
JeremyI'm trying to be killed by lightning!
What?
JeremyI'm trying to be killed by lightning!
Sorry?
Jeremy... Are you deaf?!
Sorry?
[When arguing over the fact that Richard's BMW M3 E36 car is more spacious than Jeremy's Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth and James' Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.3-16 Cosworth by the judges]
JeremyThis is ridiculous!
The judges' decisions are final!
JeremySay, say the BMW is the most spacious because it was made in Bavaria. It's...that's, that's like saying, "Who's the tallest Top Gear presenter? It's Richard Hammond because he's from Birmingham!".
No! It's not!
Jeremy "Who's the fastest driver of the three? It's James May because he's wearing his Mum's curtain!"
No, it really is, it really is the most spacious car. That's the fact, and that's the judges' decision, live with it!
Hey! Good news! No, I have secured some top secret film taken inside the factory of the new Dacia Duster being made.
JeremyExcellent! Excellent! [quickly] anyway..
[The ADAC Test Results]
What would be a good score on this? A new car will score, a good car?
150 points.
JeremyI will go first with my score. Are we ready? 58!
58. That's good. (looks at the results) 19!
Jeremy19? That's not so good.
No.
JeremyHammond?
6!
(James bursts in laughter, followed by the ADAC Man.)
...
JeremyWould you say the BMW is dangerous?
Yes.
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