Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

James

Great news!

Jeremy

What?

James

The Dacia Sandero; I got a new picture. [shows a picture of the Dacia Sandero]

Jeremy

Oooh... [quickly] Anyway,...

Richard

Hey Audi's bought a photocopier.

Jeremy

No!

Jeremy

Have your mum and dad got a photocopier.

Richard

Yes.. And it was stuck at 60%

Jeremy

[mocking] 60!?

Richard

Yes, all right! Moving on...

Jeremy

[Regarding Hammond and May in Japan] Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different modes of transport to go on. The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.

James

See these manhole covers?

Richard

NO!

James

They're fantastic.

Jeremy

A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.

Jeremy

That is just a fish... lightly killed and then put in a bag. The marvellous thing is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this, because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38. [Imitating Richard while chewing of a piece of fish] "I don't like cheese! It's full of bacteria and I don't like fish."

Richard

Mate, it's all fish.

James

Yeah, it's good for you.

Richard

Don't like fish.

James

Well, you've come to the wrong country.

Jeremy

Honestly, 3 minutes and 12 seconds; that was so close.

Richard

[faces Buddha] Thanks Buddha, you looked after him...[breathes hard]...disappointed...

James

Wait for it...

Richard

Which is...

James

Japanese for...

Oh cock!

Richard

You hopeless, old fart; a Datsun broke your neck.

Jeremy

It was already weakened, from endlessly craning down to listen to you.

James

Say, amazing rescue service they got there, isn't it? I was really pleased that someone have brought a lawn mower... [Crowd Laughs] and a bin lorry.

Jeremy

No, the dust bin lorry did put the fear of God in to me... Much like I did with them actually; when they took my sunglasses off, "Ooh, look at his eyes, disgusting!"

Jeremy

Will you be able to check your e-mails?

Richard

Yeah.

Jeremy

Will you be able to look at... (whispers) Abi Titmuss's lady garden?

Richard

Well, they did say it's for passengers only.

Jeremy

Then, it will be the case of 'I went on the M40 this week and found this!'

Richard

(Bows his head in laughter, then regains composure) You had to.

James

Oh, good news!

Jeremy

What?

James

The Dacia Sandero will have electronic brakeforce distribution.

Jeremy

Great [quickly] Now...

James

What was yours?

Jeremy

Yeah, and...

James

15,950 Pounds and 59 pence.

Jeremy

Yes, 15,900 Pounds for a service.

James

Was that...

Jeremy

There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest...

James

What did he do? Buy you a Golf? [starts laughing again]

Jeremy

Yes! I am in, I'm parked. [he goes to open his door, but due to the width of his car, he's very close to the car next to him and can't] Ah. [he tries the other door, but can't open that either because it's too close to the wall] Oh, no! I can't-- I can't get out! [voiceover] And James couldn't get in.

James

[he's having trouble getting into another space] Doesn't fit.

Jeremy

[voiceover] Which was making everyone very cross. [other cars start honking their horns] Shut up! OK, fine! You want to have a horn race? READY, STEADY--! [he blasts his horn, which is very loud. The camera goes out to a wide aerial shot of London to emphasise the sound of the horn] Now that's a horn!

James

[voiceover] And it got us thrown out.

James

It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.

Jeremy

So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...

James

...or camp commandant.

Jeremy

[he and the audience laugh] Exactly!

Jeremy

There is only one way we can settle this. [pointing to a board with two lists of names] So what I've got here is a list of famous people who in the past have owned a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose: Elton John, Liberace, Dick Emery... remember, "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you..." ... and James May. ...What do they all have in common?

James

What you're trying to say is that because I've got a Corniche, I must, by association, have a wardrobe full of spangly jumpsuits, is that it?

Jeremy

That's it, yes, spangly jumpsuit man!

James

Right, okay, fair enough. [points to the second, much longer list of names on the board] Let's have a look at the Big's famous former owners. They are—

Richard

Is Max Mosley on that list?

James

No, it's worse! Look: Amin, Brezhnev, Ceausescu, Tito, Hoxha, Hussein, Castro, Klerk, Hirohito, Pot, Tung, and Elvis Presley.

Jeremy

An impressive list.

James

It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute. [a reference to Elvis Presley]

Jeremy

So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...

James

...or camp commandant.

Jeremy

[he and the audience laugh] Exactly!

James

I actually carry a card that says "I do not wish to help Jeremy Clarkson be amusing in the event of my death."

Jeremy

Fair enough.

James

Hey, great news!

Jeremy

What?

James

I've been sent more information on the Dacia Sandero.

Jeremy

Excellent, excellent. [quickly] Hey, now...

Richard

Now, there's a new TV show in Germany. It's all about cars and it's hosted by three people.

Jeremy

I can't imagine where they got that idea from! No idea! Anyway, they got in touch with us and they invited us to take them on in a series of races and challenges.

James

Now, obviously, we needed somewhere to stage this.

Jeremy

Yes. I suggested we did it in the skies over southern England!

James

In fact, we settled on Belgium, which was a country invented so that Britain and Germany would have somewhere to sort out their differences!

Richard

Yup! And, on that point, the producers told us: "Now, listen. You're representing the BBC. You can't just turn up and go on about the war."