A character in Top Gear
Played by Jeremy Clarkson
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
Most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 1,331 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Richard Hammond (406), James May (323), Stephen Ladyman (5)
JeremyIn the olden days, it was very close between the Evo and the Impreza, it was like Chelsea and Manchester United, but uh... but now, with these new models, it's like Chelsea and... [laughs]] I don't know enough about football. Um... what team plays in red? That isn't as good as Chelsea?
[offscreen] Nottingham Forest.
JeremyNottingham... Nottingham Forest. [attempts to strike knowing pose]
[in a discussion of Bluetooth "mating" that's gone horribly wrong]
How can you possibly know when your dashboard is having its "period"?
JeremyBecause the satnav would lose its temper for no reason. "I SAID LEFT, YOU - "
[applause]
I think you'd find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections. "I was puttin' it on."
With your best mate's mobile phone.
Aw, bad news!
JeremyWhat?
The Dacia Sandero, it's delayed.
JeremyOh no! [quickly] Anyway, last week...
Now, have you ever wondered what all that writing on the side of your tires actually means?
No.
JeremyHonestly couldn't care less.
Well, don't wonder no longer!
[At the beginning of the news]
At first I want to say a couple more things about that Bentley. See, you said there it was like a slab of old England.
JeremyYes.
But Bentley is owned by VW, that car was styled by a Belgian and it was engineered by a man called Ulrich Eichhorn. Doesn't sound very British.
JeremyAre you presenting Top Gear or are you writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph?
Well I am just saying that you know immediately that this car is German 'cause it's got too much power. They've overdone it, as usual. Like they did on their French holiday in 1939.
JeremyJames, James, the Queen is German.
Yes.
JeremyYou can't sing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles" every time she comes on the television, do you?
Well, I do actually.
Yes, he does...
[During the news]
JeremyYou can't buy that because it's a SEAT.
Well...
What's wrong with that?
JeremyIt's Spanish.
What's wrong with that?
JeremyI'm bored with Spain at the moment. Fernando Alonso, he's the most successful driver there... well, he just is. Okay? Then you've got Nadal in Tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks and they stab cows.
[laughter]
So that's the Spanish?
JeremyThat is the Spanish. [to the audience] Anybody from Spain here?
Sorry.
[a faint response is heard]
JeremyGive me my fish back!
[on the Dacia Sandero]
Great news!
JeremyWhat?
The Da- [Everyone starts to laugh]
They know what it is. [Laughing continues, until James regains composure]
The Dacia Sandero has gone on sale in left-hand-drive market.
JeremyNice. [quickly] Now, just one more thing...
[during the news, regarding the lack of female racing drivers]
JeremyThe thing is, I know why women don't do it. It's 'cause as soon as a woman puts on a pair of racing overalls, they are immediately treated like a sex object.
Have you been on the Internet again?
JeremyYes I have! [Crowd laughs] And I found this.
Oh God! [Crowd continues laughing]
[later in the same segment, discussing a recent survey on the ten sexiest female racing drivers]
JeremyWho do you think came tenth?
[scrolls down to reveal picture of James]
Jeremy[On James' 2.0 litre GTV] Why didn't you get the V6?
It's not as good.
JeremyWhat?!
No, it's nose-heavy. The handling is compromised.
JeremyOf course, this is front-wheel drive, isn't it?
Yes.
JeremyAnd front-wheel drive is for the feeble.
[speculating on Richard's and James' reaction to Jeremy's upturned Alfa Romeo 75]
JeremyDo you think they're a) going to be sympathetic or b) be a couple of-
[shouting] Nice work!
JeremyNo, they're going to be a couple of.
[Richard has just recovered the seats of his Alfa with Jeremy's jacket]
Recovering the seats, brilliant. I've taken...
JeremyOut of what?
Your jacket.
JeremyYOU! That is my jacket!
[During their trip to the Concours, while checking on Jeremy's Alfa Romeo 75]
JeremyI have been rescued (pertaining to the two women with him) and I haven't even broken down.
Well then you don't-
[James suddenly appears from the side]
Hello.
Jeremy[voiceover] So the car that was dead had to be towed by the car that was dying.
JeremyOh listen to that now.
That's a weird noise for a car to make... that's better, what have you done?
JeremyGone into second.
Second's nice, it's underrated as a gear.
[Discussing their concours ratings]
JeremyJames, what did you get?
Out of a possible 150 points, 74.
Jeremy74! That's nearly a pass! I got 23.5. Yeah! Which was the lowest score ever recorded in concours history.
Until I came along! [laughs]
JeremyWhat did you get?
I got 9.
[on the Fiat Panda Mamy]
JeremyWhat are they going to do next, a Fiat Recently-Divorced Father? With a satnav that only goes to the zoo?
That's quite sad.
That's a good idea, actually, 'cause I've got a Fiat Panda, and I've also got a very young nephew and a young niece, so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle. Which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
