[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]
“July 13th, 2008” · Season 11, Episode 4
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (13), Richard Hammond (6), James May (6)
[On The Stig]
Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is, he's called The Stig!
Now, are there any mothers here?
[A response is heard.]
Yes? Well, Fiat has decided you need patronising.
[on the Fiat Panda Mamy]
What are they going to do next, a Fiat Recently-Divorced Father? With a satnav that only goes to the zoo?
That's quite sad.
That's a good idea, actually, 'cause I've got a Fiat Panda, and I've also got a very young nephew and a young niece, so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle. Which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.
[on the Dacia Sandero]
Great news!
What?
The Dacia Sandero; I got a new picture. [shows a picture of the Dacia Sandero]
Oooh... [quickly] Anyway,...
[on the Audi Q5]
Hey Audi's bought a photocopier.
No!
[Richard goes on explaining the Q5, saying Audi put the Q7 and set it at 75%.]
Have your mum and dad got a photocopier.
[James laughs followed by the audience.]
Yes.. And it was stuck at 60%
[mocking] 60!?
Yes, all right! Moving on...
[Regarding Hammond and May in Japan] Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different modes of transport to go on. The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.
[Cut to James and Richard]
See these manhole covers?
NO!
They're fantastic.
[Cut back to Jeremy]
A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.
[on adjusting the GT-R's Satellite Navigation system]
I want to adjust the scale on my satnav, but it's all in Japanese. Won't dare touch it in case it all just goes off, and then I'd be DOOMED!
See, the thing is about all Japanese cars --
[satnav speaks a stream of Japanese]
[panicked] HELP!
[on his provided Japanese snacks]
That is just a fish... lightly killed and then put in a bag. The marvellous thing is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this, because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38. [Imitating Richard while chewing of a piece of fish] "I don't like cheese! It's full of bacteria and I don't like fish."
[cut to a shot of Richard and James in a small shop, looking in the cooler.]
Mate, it's all fish.
Yeah, it's good for you.
Don't like fish.
Well, you've come to the wrong country.
I have seen X-Factor winners less cheerful than all petrol pump attendants are in Japan.
[to the petrol pump attendant] Look at this.
[Jeremy puts on his Bill Oddie face-mask]
Brrrrr! How frightening's that? He can spot your beaver from about a mile away.
Speed camera coming up! [puts the Bill Oddie face-mask on and races past the camera, on the pretence that Oddie will get the speeding ticket and not him]
[while on a cable car to Nokogiri-yama]
So at the top here there is a Buddha...to road safety. Wouldn't it be brilliant if we got there and Jeremy's GT-R was buried in the middle of it?
[both begin to imitate Jeremy]
Watch this, I'm here.
Oh dear!
Bang!
[After learning that Richard and James lost]
Honestly, 3 minutes and 12 seconds; that was so close.
[faces Buddha] Thanks Buddha, you looked after him...[breathes hard]...disappointed...
Wait for it...
[Translator device then speaks]
Which is...
Japanese for...
BBoth
Oh cock!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.