Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

James

[voiceover] With us out all we could hope was that Jeremy and Kiff the soundman would race on, cleanly and fairly.

Jeremy

Ram him! RAM!

Jeremy

Awful lot of bullets hitting me here.

Jeremy

[voiceover] And no wonder...

Richard

James, what are you doing!?

James

Shooting at Jeremy.

Richard

But he's on our side!

James

Yeah, but why wouldn't you?

Richard

You're right, you would. Fire!

James

[German accent] Sit down, Kommandant.

Jeremy

You're not interested in these, are you?

James

D'you know what? Your mind cannot comprehend of how uninterested I am in things like this.

Jeremy

It's a two lap race of the Zolder circuit and it's between a Porsche 911 - the racing Porsche 911 - which will be driven by professional racing driver Tim Schrick. And he will be against an Aston Martin DBRS9, which will be driven by James May.

Richard

[quietly] Do we have to use James?

Jeremy

Well, no, you did the Bowler thing, I did the Mini thing, it's his turn.

Richard

But he's gonna lose... badly.

Richard

How could you not like the GT2, you great fat balding useless hopeless bandy-legged bubble-haired pointless talentless gutless cowardly witless lump of suede-shoe-wearing daft-jean-wearing idiocy?

Jeremy

[pause] I knew you were gonna say that...

Richard

What, all of it?

James

Right, the news. And of course we've been off the air for a while...

Richard

[walking on] God, he is such a child.

James

Yeah, where is he anyway?

Richard

I don't know; in the audience somewhere flicking people's ears and blaming the people next...

Jeremy

[from in the crowd] Excuse me... excuse me...

Richard

You ah, you wearing that for a bet?

Jeremy

Yeah. Aaah, anyway...

Jeremy

James, bad news. The Dacia Sandero...

James

The what?

Jeremy

The Dacia Sandero is not coming to the UK!

James

Oh. Now...

Jeremy

And it only has one bed!

James

Well, he's not going to have a friend, is he.

Jeremy

He appears to have started to listening to Morse code. Very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise.

The Stig

[in Morse code] Strictly is crap.

The Stig

[in Morse code] I love cheese.

James

So what have you got?

Jeremy

A lorry!

James

But what kind?

Jeremy

...A big one!

Richard

I have bought this!

Jeremy

What is it?

Richard

It's an, well it's an... Erf!

Jeremy

[Reading the second challenge card] You must now demonstrate your lorry-driving skills by powersliding your trucks around... well, presumably it's that skid pan.

James

What's the point? You can't powerslide lorries anyway.

Richard

Technically, you can't powerslide anything.

Jeremy

[Continuing to read from the card] To prove that it's possible, you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver.

Jeremy

[to the paramedic] Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse.

Right, okay.

James

[voiceover] After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom...

Jeremy

[Reading challenge card] It says that this is a test of speed, braking and toughness all in one. You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and stop as quickly as possible. It says whoever does that in the shortest distance wins a year's supply of pies.

Richard

What do they mean by "obstacles"?

Jeremy

Doesn't say.

James

What sort of pies?

James

It's um... this is the sleeper cab, which has got the extra bit on the back where you can sleep. They also did it as a day cab which didn't have that bit... so you couldn't sleep in it. Um... it's the uh...

Jeremy

[to Richard] He doesn't know anything! [laughs]

Richard

What colour is it, James?

James

What have you got then?

Jeremy

A lorry!

James

What sort?

Jeremy

... A big one!

Richard

Well clearly!