A character in Top Gear
Played by Jeremy Clarkson
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
Most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 1,331 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Richard Hammond (406), James May (323), Stephen Ladyman (5)
[still on petrol going up to a pound a litre...]
JeremyI filled my car up with petrol a couple of months ago, do you know how much that cost?
Well no...
90 pounds.
... big car, 85 pounds.
JeremyNo! 35,000 pounds.
You filled it up with bull sperm you idiot!
[after explaining why he (Jeremy) paid 35,000 pounds on petrol.]
I reckoned you spent it on bull sperm.
Did you not notice the pump was different?
Jeremy[laughing, with the audience laughing as well]
[imitates a bull noise]. It keeps moving! Now it's chasing me! I don't want it any more.
[audience laughs]
JeremyI've got bird flu. Be nice.
JeremyHave you ever wanted to buy, OK, a sports car that's got a diesel engine, top speed of 150 miles an hour, that's a high-riding 4x4 off-road car and is also a four-seater convertible?
James and Richard, in unison: No.
JeremyNeither have I. But Audi's made one anyway. Here it is.
What! What do you do with it?
JeremyI've no idea. It's called the Cross Cabriolet. Not as cross as the owner's going to be when he buys it and realized he looks like Graham Norton's plumber.
[At the former site of Longbridge when Jeremy opens his car door, the interior of the door stays put. All three burst out laughing]
JeremyI opened the door! The door's still there! It's gone back to Longbridge!
It's on strike!
[After Jeremy completes his ride comfort with eggs test, he wipes the egg from his hair using the driver's seat of Richard's car].
Jeremy[voiceover] ... Except I was desperately needed to wash my hair.
Oh get off Jeremy! That's disgus...ting [Jeremy is now standing up.]
JeremyWhat I have just done is I've wiped my hair on a seat that's 30 years old and has had some Midlander's bottom on it!
Actually, it's a good point, because my dad had three of those, and none of the doors ever fell off.
JeremyNo, it's not Rover's fault. They were built brilliantly.
In fact, I seem to remember that at the time, the SD1 was often praised for the way its... back doors... stayed on.
JeremyExactly!
[tallying the scores at the end of the British Leyland challenge]
JeremyNow, the water test.
Yeah, now this, we got 20p for every yard you covered — you did 1,500 yards, so...
Uh..
JeremyThat's, um...
It's £300, you half-wit.
JeremyI was just— It was right on the tip of my tongue. [updates the scoreboard]
I did 4,500 yards, which I think you'll find is £900.
[James basks in the audience's adulation while Jeremy writes the number down]
And you did ten yards.
[helpfully] That's two pounds!
It is a bit cold in here though.
JeremyIt is cold in here, it's sharp.
I'm surprised - I know you guys make a lot of money, can you afford a heater?
Jeremy[definitively] No. Because we have all the money.
[On the 2007 Malaysian Grand Prix]
Jeremy...and you put one in on Massa, didn't you?
Yeah, Massa and Kimi.
JeremyWas Kimi drunk?
I dunno - I should have asked him, actually, because he was really on the left - this was Malaysia and he was really on the left, so I could outbrake him.
Jeremy[singing in slurred Finnish accent] "I win this race and then I go down pu-ub... Who pass me? Oh, that's that new boy gone past..."
[During Hamilton's lap]
Look at the grip... This thing will put a Formula 1 car to shame!
JeremyIt won't! It won't, it won't, it won't!
[on the qualifying]
JeremyWhat if I have to get out of somebody's way to let him go by...
...I don't know, I don't know...
JeremyThis is without any question or shadow of doubt the scariest thing I've ever done.
Yes...
I've broken my zip.
Richard [irritated]: That's bad?
[two hours before the race is scheduled to start, James comes up to Jeremy and Richard]
[on the qualifying in the night]
[voiceover] Then it was Jeremy's turn.
JeremyHoly cow, I can't see a thing...
[voiceover] He tried to cure the lack of visibility with speed.
JeremyI just took Bridge Corner flat, first time I...oh, I'm off! People behind me must be thinking, "Who is this clown?"
[When James May was in the car for the first time]
JeremyThe Christian motorist is in the hot seat.
Jeremy[voiceover] A few minutes later, something amazing happened.
I've overtaken someone!
[During the night in the race, Jeremy is in the driver's seat]
JeremyI'm coming up behind those Italians in the 1 Series! Look at this, it's neck on neck...now he's come across my nose! We saved you from the Germans, and that's what I get?!
[talking into his radio] Don't wreck the car!
[while The Stig is at the wheel]
Jeremy...and even though the missing splitter was ruining the handling, nothing was gonna stop him - nothing!
Right now, at this very moment, the computers tell us The Stig is having a wee in the car - and I'm next... [grins nervously]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
