[After they reach their first campsite]
Jeremy[reading challenge] "Stretching before you is the Makgadikgadi. These are the biggest salt flats in the world. Almost completely lifeless, and as wide as Portugal. No car has ever driven across them. If you run out of water, you will die. If your car breaks down, and you can't be rescued, you will die. If you run out of food, you will die. It's like driving on a creme brulee. There's a prime-evil ooze covered with a thin layer of salty crust. If you have thin tyres, you will break through that crust, get stuck, and you will die." So it advises to fit fat tyres and remove as much weight as possible before setting off. Well how hard can it be?
Jeremy
[voiceover] The next morning, we were told our problem would not be gunk, but dust, so James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.
[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]
Jeremy
I've teamed my kikoi with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see The Clash. [voiceover] Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?
[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a massive dust storm]
Jeremy
AHHHHHHH! MY EYES!
Oh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]
[voiceover] Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]
I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.
Jeremy
Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.
[his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?
Jeremy
[voiceover] James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
Jeremy
[to James] I've got consumption and TB.
Jeremy
I've got every single 1920's disease.
[to Jeremy] Can I point something out?
Jeremy
What?
Hammond's walking around his car muttering about how he needs all of it.
Jeremy
I know exactly what he's doing.
He's formed an emotional attachment to his car.
Jeremy
It'll be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"
[Jeremy and James laugh]
[reading new challenge] "You will drive your cars to Namibia through the Okavango Delta."
Jeremy
That's the really big wildlife place... [makes a gesture with his arms]
In the Okavango, you will encounter many deadly animals, including lions, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas, wild dogs, hippos, Black rhino and crocodile. [short pause] Bird snakes, shield-nosed snakes, puff adders, boomslang, cobras, banded cobras, black mambas, black widows and thick-tailed scorpions.
Jeremy
What about the honey badger?
Jeremy
The honey badger.
That's the least scary sounding animal in the world.
Jeremy
A honey badger does not kill you to eat you, it tears off your testicals.
Why's it called the honey badger?
Jeremy
That's what's made it angry.
Why isn't it called "the badger of death?"
Jeremy
[narrating, about the Okavango Delta] This is where amateur cameramen come to make a name for themselves with Attenborough. But unfortunately, our film crew are best, really, with cars.
[There is footage of the crew making poor attempts to film the wildlife as they pass]
Jeremy
[speaking into his radio] If we ever do a show called "the back end of an animal..."
[mimicking announcer] This week, on "Too Late to Look..."
[on the Aston Martin V8 Vantage]
Jeremy
I would rather be in this, than in Keira Knightley.
I wouldn't. (Shaking his head while the crowd laughs). I wouldn't.
[...]
And now the news: and this just in from Keira Knightley: She says she's disappointed but she understands.
[on The Mitsubishi i]
Now, Mitsubishi, you know Mitsubishi, makers of the Evo and all that, they've now introduced a new turbocharged, mid-engine car. Yeah, you want to see it?
Jeremy
Yeah.
Here it is... (Shows the picture of an i car). It's called the i car. No, no, hang on, because it.. it might be ugly, but at least it's.. slow.
[...]
It's also got hypo-allergenic seats...
Jeremy
What that give you eczema?
Jeremy
... Chlamydia?
[on The Mitsubishi i's deodorizing roof lining]
Jeremy
If you, um, break wind, in the car. The smells are absorbed into the roof lining.
It's deodorizing, that's what it does. So, basically, the seats absorb your eczema, and the roof lining absorbs your fart. Which is very clever, but you wouldn't want to buy one second hand now would you?
[after revealing Simon Cowell has beaten Gordon Ramsay for first place on the Celebrity Lap Time Board.]
Jeremy
And Gordon Ramsay has just committed suicide.
Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay, he's fat.
[on the car's loss in the race]
Can I clear something up? I don't get this. Watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrive fifteen minutes after everybody else. Now if I remember correctly when I got there, James, you were already there and had been for ages.
Jeremy
He was, and you know something else? I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
Yes, and I'm pretty sure I remember going straight past Hammond with his head stuck in some railings.
Jeremy
And you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have done it by boat! And there you go, what Top Gear - which is a trusted, factual, award winning show - has proved is, despite what you saw in that stupid and misleading film the car was the fastest!
[starting the news]
And now the news. And I'm afraid it's very bad; Jeremy Clarkson has a cold.
Jeremy
[as he sits down] I have NOT got a cold, I've got bird flu.
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy
I have. I am now living breathing proof, soon to not be living or breathing, that it can jump species.
Wow... but hey, this means it's just one step away from humans.
[on petrol going up to a pound a litre.]
Jeremy
And it's a good job your car doesn't run on bull semen.
Well it is, yes. But why?
Jeremy
Because you know how much bull semen is?
Do you know? I can't remember off the top of my head.
Jeremy
24,000 pounds a litre.
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
