Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Isn't the Isle of Man just amazing?

Richard

It's fabulous! It's like someone's gone out and designed Top Gear Fantasy Island specially for us!

James

Oh, if the Isle of Man was this great, I'd be absolutely blown away by the Isle of Woman.

Richard

Yes, the kippers were good --

Jeremy

Yes, but there's no speed limits here, James! "Ooh I know, but the kippers!"

James

I'd rather the pussy cat than the kipper.

Richard

They were good, though!

Jeremy

(To Stephen Fry) Have you, um, have you been to the Isle of Man?

Stephen

Yes, you go to the airport, you say "I love Man!" and they say, "Not here you don't!"

Jeremy

You could be birched for loving man there.

Stephen

Yes, which is something people pay a lot of money for in London, so it's like a free service.

Stephen

I came so close to losing my licence almost exactly a year ago. I was pootling along the M11 at a hundred and *hrm* miles per hour, and fortunately they took an average, which was 99.8.

Jeremy

An average from when you got into the car.

Stephen

Yes, quite. From the centre of London.

Stephen

Yes... yes... you've written well and turgidly about Norfolk! Not turgidly, exactly.

Jeremy

Well, it was just, that time, the first - well, not the first time I went there, but I can remember, not that long ago, driving along a main road, filled up with petrol and I gave the bloke in the cashpoint my credit card... he just put it in the till! "No, no... no, no... you're supposed to swipe it..."

Stephen

This is the home of Lotus! It's an advanced, sophisticated county!

Jeremy

Now, you see, that was a bad example.

Stephen

Well, there were the - all right, but it's a... it's a mysterious county. There are - you go through a beautiful Old World village with a sort of mullion-windowed rectory with ivy over it and the squire's house and a beautiful old church, and then a sign saying, "HOT RODDING".

Jeremy

You have had the most wretched car history of anyone I've ever, ever met. We start off, where were we, radio DJ...

[DJ voice] BBC Radio Wales. Good morning!

Jeremy

You bought yourself a Volkswagen Polo.

Brand new.

Jeremy

Brand new! Things going well. Your next car... is a third-hand Vauxhall Carlton. What in God's name possessed you to do that?

You know, my dad came across it, you know, it was reasonably priced... it was a big, brown Vauxhall Carlton -

Jeremy

Brown!

Wait, let me finish. It was a big brown Vauxhall Carlton, the inside was a kind of creamy sort of biscuit colour, it was velour, the seats. It was a nice car, it got me from A to B, that was not the worst of my cars.

Jeremy

What, you're trying to say the green Sierra you had was -

That was the worst, yes.

Jeremy

What possessed you to do that?

Um, my dad came across it, you know, it was a good price...

Jeremy

Did you branch out on your own for the 1992 Ford Escort?

Now! The 1992 Ford Escort, I thought, and I don't know anything about cars -

Jeremy

That's obvious.

- was quite a sexy little car. I quite liked it, actually.

Jeremy

Have you ever actually watched Top Gear? 'Cause you might...

I've never seen a whole one, no. [Jeremy looks dismayed, audience applauds] It clashes with Heartbeat, OK, which goes against you.

Jeremy

I know! But I do make a special effort to watch Marion and Geoff. You should try to watch one all the way through. Because after the Escort... you're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen...

Oh, I know what you're going to say now, yeah. OK.

Jeremy

... a Mitsubishi Carisma. Why on Earth did you buy one of those?

Well, my dad came across it... [audience laughs]

Richard

This whole survey throws up some fascinating stuff. Like the Porsche 911. A favorite car of mine, known for its... somewhat scary handling sometimes. Ninety-six percent of 911 owners in this survey claim to be absolutely satisfied with their car's handling, which is very good. It leaves four percent, and they probably were entirely satisfied with the handling of their 911 right up until they hit the tree. Then they changed their mind.

Jeremy

Yeah, but think of it this way. The people who got their bone marrow and their eyes are very satisfied with the handling of the 911.

Jeremy

What do you drive, sir?

A 355.

Jeremy

A Ferrari. There's an interesting statistic on Ferrari, ah... what is it, James?

James

[consulting clipboard] Um, 90% of people who said they had a Ferrari were lying.

Jeremy

So did you die in the making of that film?

Richard

Well, yeah. I mean, if it was real, yes, I did.

Jeremy

And the thing is, it was very lucky you were in the GL model, 'cause that was the one that did come with the diver in the back seat with the aqualung.

Richard

Yeah. If it'd been an L, pfft. That would've been it, curtains.

Jeremy

Problem is, what do all of these people have in common?

They're all dead.

Richard

Jeremy, can I ask - what's that?

Jeremy

This is an Alfa Romeo GTV6, a magnificent car!

Richard

It is. And I believe you had one!

Jeremy

I did indeed.

Richard

And how much did you pay for it, Jeremy?

Jeremy

Ah, £5000.

Richard

Mm, and then you sold it. And how much did you sell it for?

Jeremy

Ah, £3000.

Richard

OK, that didn't go too well. How much was it worth a year later?

Jeremy

£7,000.

Richard

So how much do you know about all of this? Absolutely nothing.

Richard

All of which makes it more of a shame that in the end you killed it with fire.

James

That was churlish.

Jeremy

Well, that's the thing. You probably won't believe this, ladies and gentlemen. I want a huge round of applause, IT IS STILL WORKING!

Can we just stop the competition now?

Jeremy

No, we bloody can't; I'm going to phone Damon Hill next week!

Jeremy

This cruising thing. What's it about?

What's it about?

Jeremy

Yeah.

It's about flexing, man.

Jeremy

It's about what?

Flexing, like. Having a good time, you know.

Jeremy

Flexing?

Yeah, yeah.

Jeremy

What the f--k are you on about? [appeals to the crowd] What is flexing?

Flexing means winding, basically.

Jeremy

It means winding. I'm none the wiser! We're flexing, we're winding... Does anybody here speak English? Does anybody speak English here?

Showing off.

Jeremy

Showing off! This man speaks English! [crowd applauds] Flexing and winding means showing off.

Jeremy

That makes me feel very sad, that.

James

Why?

Jeremy

Well, I just wish that we'd had flexing and winding when we were kids, 'cause I love this whole modifying scene, I think it's brilliant.

James

Mm. We did have cruising, though.

Jeremy

I know, but that meant going to a gentlemen's lavatory, and that's... [dismissive gesture]