JeremyThe thing is that Nissan have now said, "Aha, but the car you drove was sort of for a, I don't know, a small market in the south of France or somewhere." The British ones, which are going on sale in...
'Bout, September, autumn sometime.
Jeremy
Yeah, September, October - are going to have better suspension, bigger fuel tank, different aerodynamics, better interior trim, traction control as standard - going to be completely different.
Which rather begs the question, why did they say "There's our new car! See what you think. It won't be anything like that, obviously, but there it is anyway."
[on the Daihatsu Copen]
You're not going to get this, I know, but that car, it's small, it's silly, all it does is make the rest of the world massive. You know like the Incredible Shrinking Man in that film, where the telephone keeps getting bigger in his hand?
Jeremy
No.
Jeremy
But I'm sure it happened, I'm not saying it didn't happen, I just don't remember it.
OK, well, it's a bit like that. You sort of drive around amongst these massive road signs and huge hatchbacks, it's absolutely brilliant.
Can't say I noticed it myself, I thought it was all right, but, um...
[...]
Jeremy
It's not so much a car as a shoe.
Jeremy
I have three donkeys at home.
Jeremy
Geoffrey, Eddie, and Kristin Scott Donkey. I do! I adore my donkeys. They are my life, they're everything. I just think they're fantastic.
Jeremy
Depends what you do to them.
[on the Rover Streetwise]
Jeremy
They're saying it's an "urban on-roader". If we analyze that, an "urban on-roader" is a car designed to go on the road in town. So... it's a car. Isn't it.
[...]
Jeremy
[consulting press release] They are saying that: it has got a split folding rear seat...
Jeremy
Yeah. It's available with a selection of petrol and diesel power units...
Jeremy
... various transmissions, three trim levels...
Jeremy
Yup, very car-like... "It's fun to drive, handy in traffic, easy to park and and able to shrug off hard use by active individuals and young families."
They've put some thought into this, haven't they?
Jeremy
"Has elements of the SUV appeal," no it doesn't, it's not four-wheel-drive, "with good ground clearance and ruggedness but without the cost and complexity of 4x4 transmission."
Jeremy
It's a car. "At the same time it offers good all-round performance and capability out of town, from motorways to farm tracks!"
[impressed] So you can drive out of town as well!
Jeremy
It's not just an urban on-roader, it's a motorway on-roader as well! And it can do farm tracks, but nothing too difficult, OK?
[Patrick Stewart has objected to Jeremy's pro-cell-phones-while-driving stance]
Jeremy
This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!
But I've had a lot of practice at that, you see.
Right, the news, and we begin today with a, well, probably the best piece of news I've ever heard since I was born. An event, in fact, which eclipses the very miracle of my birth.
Hang on, the best piece of news you've ever heard ever?
Jeremy
What is it?
[beaming] They're going to stop making the Beetle.
That is fantastic. No, the old one. They're still making it until the 30th of July and then it stops forever.
Jeremy
Why do you hate it so much?
Do you really want me to do it?
Jeremy
Well, no, just... I can't imagine...
That's the first thing, it's a rubbish car. Secondly, it was a scandal. OK? That car was stolen from a Czech bloke called Ledwinka, I think, by Hitler and his henchmen, they put it into production, they stole money off the German people to build it and to build a factory, they never got a car, instead they used the factory and slave Russian labor from the Eastern front -
Jeremy
You can't blame a car for Hitler!
[Jeremy is reporting on the Goodwood Festival of Speed, where, as he previously noted, he was waved to by Elle Macpherson]
Jeremy
I went up the hill in the - there's a hill that you basically drive the, all the cars go up - and I went up in the McLaren Mercedes.
Both : [in unison] The SLR.
Jeremy
The new SLR.
Yeah. Stunning thing. And?
Jeremy
Well, I was still a bit drunk, so I have - there it is, look - um, I think... I have... I dunno.
So hang on, it - so you're probably the first UK journalist to get in that car.
Jeremy
Yeah.
We've been talking about it for what now, two years, probably?
And you went up the hill... drunk... waving at MacPherson Strut or whatever her name is out of the window.
Jeremy
I wasn't driving it, I was slumped in the passenger seat.
Oh, well, that's all right, then! Who was driving it?
Can you tell us anything about it?
Jeremy
It made a jolly loud noise in the condition I was in, that was for sure. It sounded like a Messerschmitt had mated with a Spitfire.
To your drunken brain at the time.
Jeremy
[imitates engine noise], only louder than that.
You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you, standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape, "So, Jeremy, what happened?" "Dunno! Drunk, missed it. Found it like this."
[after James's 5-series film]
Jeremy
Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?
Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.
Jeremy
That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!
It is a superb-looking car.
Jeremy
It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.
[...]
All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?
Jeremy
No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.
Right. So you're not having one of those.
Jeremy
No.
You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.
Jeremy
Uh, no.
You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
Jeremy
I might!
Jeremy
No, you're right, I wouldn't.
And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.
Jeremy
No.
You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!
Jeremy
I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.
But on a small hatchback, OK, when you drive one of those and it's a diesel, it says three things about you. One is, you're tighter than two coats of paint. The second is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it. And the third one is, you're probably French.
Jeremy
I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you.
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
