(Christopher introduces his dad to Roger, a black boy)
TTitus
Hey, Dad, this is Roger. He just moved into the neighborhood.
Oh, that explains it. First time I ever saw a black man take a TV into a house.
S3 E3Tommy's Not Gay
S3 E4Shannon's Song
"Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser.
Shannon's got her own song. Dave and I shared a toothbrush for three years, but Shannon got her own song.
S3 E5Grad School
Being a superhero is hard work. You have to wear those rubber tights in the summer when it's hot. Ehh. You have to hide who you really are by pretending you're the caring, supportive boyfriend. You have to make sure that no one discovers the true identity of... Your-Dream-Is-Stupid Man!
Erin never does things halfway. You should see her eat ribs. She's like a dingo with a baby.
Is the father around?
Jill (sarcastically): Yeah. Yeah, he's married to my mom. Next question
Erin (not getting it): But someone who's married to your mom would be -- (it finally sinks in): Oh, my God!
Jill (on the verge of tears): Yeah, the world is an ugly place!
S3 E6House Boat
Christmas is a time of joy, love, and peace -- and a giant spike in the suicide rate. (with increasing aggressiveness): My father got all the Christmas joy sucked out of him by his cruel, vindictive mother because his drunken, partying father sucked all the Christmas joy out of HER! (the Christmas lights come on. Christopher stares at them, then stares back at the audience and sheepishly sings): Fa-la-la-la-la/La-la-la-la.
(Ken Titus's 10th Christmas)
1Y10-Year-Old Ken Titus
A toy puppy! Thanks, Mom.
TGrandma Titus
Aw, damn it. I forgot to put holes in the box. Well, play with it today, 'cuz tomorrow, it'll be hard.
Hey, buddy! Santa came last night!
FYFive-Year-Old Christopher
What did he bring me?
Nothing. Your new mommy's a Jew. Blame her.
"To: Titus, From Dad". My dad's a new man. He learned that forgiveness is better than hate and vengeance. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women: you just can't keep having them.
S3 E7The Trial
I wish everybody had a mom like mine.
PProsecutor
A mother who kills people?
Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!
Normal people fear the day their parents die. Screwed-up people fear the day their parents kill. My mom killed a guy. At our wedding. So, I can pretty much check that one off. But, she's my mom, and, no matter what she did, I can't just walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
My mom is mentally ill, so she and I have always watched out for each other. She saved me from bullies; I saved her from CIA hitmen, poisonous spoons, and border collies that scream at you with their eyes.
When you're raised by a mentally ill mother, you have to be a clutch player, because bad things happen really fast. You only get one chance to deflect the cops or one chance to ditch the landlord or one chance to make sure Mom doesn't choke on her own vomit -- well, well, one chance per time -- and you only get one chance to go back-to-school shopping before they take away the Goodwill bin.
S3 E8Grandma Titus
Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
TGrandma Titus
Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
I'm not gay.
TGrandma Titus
Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Titus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.