TGrandma Titus
George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!
Delaware is famous for its whores.
S3 E8Grandma Titus
Christopher (in the Neutral Space): We all have that person in the family who, when you get a phone call at 3:00am from the police, ho-ho, you know it's about them. I have seven of them in my family -- and they're all my mom!
Alzheimer's: a disease marked by the progressive loss of mental capacity. One minute, you're making breakfast for your grandkids; the next minute, you're holding pancakes up to your ears and going, "Hey, do these go with my house coat?"
S3 E9Errr
(after Titus saves Amy from attempting suicide by swallowing pills and drinking alcohol)
Vodka and pills? (a beat): I told you to stay out of my Dad's earthquake kit.
S3 E10Tommy's Crush
[Titus is facing off against Shannon's husband Stefan.]
TTitus
Dad, what are we, German-Irish?
White. That's all that matters.
[offended] Papa Titus!
In society's eyes, I'm saying!
S3 E11Into Thin Air
[Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]
That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
TTitus
It's a spruce!
S3 E12Too Damn Good
TTitus
You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!
You took that as an insult?
S3 E13Bachelor Party
[after Nicky's water breaks; two neighbors who can help don't get along]
Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
NNicky
Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]
Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels!
NNicky
Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!
Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?
S3 E14Hot Streak
You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.
[confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?
[Ken goes bust at the blackjack table.]
Damn it! The wussy must be here!
S3 E15The Session
Isn't there something you always wanted from your dad?
A "do not resuscitate" order?
Oh, my dad always sugarcoats the truth, kinda the way a stray lawn dart sugarcoats your drunken uncle's neck at the family picnic.
KSKen's wife
Does this dress make me look fat?
When you're too fat, I'll let you know. Your stuff will be out on the lawn.
S3 E16Same Courtesy
Vengeance is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girlfriend hogs the chocolate milk, no. But, your girlfriend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girlfriend ass.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Titus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.