CCop
We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.
Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
TTitus
Dave!
I mean, my secret stash of... pot.
S2 E21Three Strikes
S2 E22The Pit
Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.
JLJay Leno
That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?
No.
JLJay Leno
Then shut up, then!
People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.
S2 E23The Pendulum
You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket! You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.
Cars are heavy.
Everybody knows that!
So does he, thanks to me!
S2 E24The Wedding
TTitus
Where's my tux?
Somebody's bringing it.
TTitus
"Somebody" who?
Nobody. Dave.
TTitus
No!
[walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!
BBill
Where is all of this anger coming from?
Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!
Okay, Dad's not good at marriage, so I don't want him sitting next to...anybody. Erin's parents, gotta keep them separated. Marriage will make people do funny things, like suffer through 35 years of mutual hate and soul-torturing pain that can never be erased. (whispers): They're Catholic. [...] Okay, put Dave next to Erin's sister...no, that's a drug deal waiting to happen. We have Michael, Erin's brother...oh, great, now I have to invite cops.
S3 E1Racing in the Streets
What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.
CCastro
[sarcastically] Si, señor. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]
Now that's my kind of Mexican!
Oh, by the way; shorts that go all the way down to your ankles -- pants!
S3 E2Amy's Birthday
(opening narration) Normal people who grow up with compassion never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway, or putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. But screwed-up people who weren't coddled or raised with compassion? Ho-ho! We get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but we're (choked up) very happy. Why can't you love me, Daddy?!
Compassion is a disease, like polio, except compassion makes you nice, not withered and crutchy. I got vaccinated against compassion when I was eight, along with self-esteem and pride. Oh, and I got a booster shot for the ability to not stare at a dwarf.
Titus (after Amy's mom, Kim, passes out face-first into the cake): Well, Amy, make a wish and blow out your mom's hair.
AAmy
I don't want you here!
Amy, we've invited all your friends. It's gonna be a party!
AAmy
It's gonna be a "Look, Amy lives in garbage!" party.
Exactly. It's got a theme.
Amy (sarcastically): My popularity will soar. (to Erin): Maybe I'll even make head cheerleader like you, Aunt Erin, and peak at 17.
Titus (defensively): Hey, have a little respect for someone who went out of their way to get you a lice comb.
S3 E3Tommy's Not Gay
[Tommy has used the words "daquilicious" and "skosh" in conversation.]
Oh, my God. "Daquilicious." "Skosh." I'm a homo!
*spit-take*
Fruits have the same rights as normal people. It's not like they're from Vietnam.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Titus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.