[Spotting a hitchhiker]
TTitus
It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
S2 E15NASCAR
[Having been tricked by Erin into spending time together, Titus and Ken plot on how to pay her back.]
TTitus
What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
Throw hot acid in her face.
[Titus spit-takes his coffee.]
TTitus
Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!
S2 E16Life Forward
Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!
Hi, Dad.
I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!
JOJerry October
Welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life.
All these people have kids?
JOJerry October
Dave, why don't you tell us what you really want?
(sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!
S2 E17Gift of the Car Guy
[Titus learns that Erin has been working as a waitress in a strip club.]
TTitus
Why didn't you drag her out of there?
You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.
TTitus
Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.
All right, how much?
TTitus
Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.
Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?
TTitus
"Numbuts"?
Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?
TTitus
What?
Five grand.
TTitus
You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!
S2 E18Tommy's Girlfriend II
Don't screw Erin over. Because she hangs onto everything. She's exactly like Buddha. You know, if Buddha was vengeful, angry and laid down a whole lot of whoop-ass. So, the other Buddha.
Ken (introducing Tommy to a bartender): Tommy, I want you to meet Clyde. He knows how to squeeze a ball.
S2 E19Hard Ass
It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!
AAmy
Yeah. And I'm looking at her.
There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.
I'm not gay!
Yeah, tell it to your shirt.
S2 E20Private Dave
TTitus
Dave, thank God you're not dead!
Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
TTitus
I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!
[After throwing Titus through a window]
SGSgt. Gordon
Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.
Titus (opens the recruitment office's door, cockily): Excuse me...bus station soldier! (laughs as he enters to retrieve the paper. A few seconds later, Titus is hurled through the office window, with everyone outside reacting in shock)
S2 E21Three Strikes
MMichael
This will be my third strike.
He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!
Get to the bad part!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Titus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.