Titus quotes from Titus

Oh, my dad always sugarcoats the truth, kinda the way a stray lawn dart sugarcoats your drunken uncle's neck at the family picnic.

Vengeance is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girlfriend hogs the chocolate milk, no. But, your girlfriend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girlfriend ass.

My mom's not a bad person. She just has bad people living inside her. She's very creative in the way she hurts people. She could've been famous, but she wouldn't sign the Batman villain release form.

Erin's the kind of woman who can rip your head off and make you feel like a bad boy. God, that's sexy. (shrugs) I'm damaged.

A reckless accusation can ruin a person's life, any person's like my high school rival, Mario Copono from Fremont, California. His life would suck if somebody went on national television and just said out loud that he prances around in women's underwear. Man, I hope that never happens to...Mario Copono of Fremont, California.

Mental illness is a chemical imbalance that can make you hallucinate, hear voices, be insanely happy, or horribly depressed. It's actually the same symptoms of being in love. [Picks up Erin's picture] And you can never know how love is gonna go, and you're never gonna know when love ends. [Places it face down on the ledge] But you need to know that love is never over, ever, because there are 3.5 billion men in the world and 3.5 billion women. [Takes off his shirt and puts on a sombrero] And if you're bisexual, you have no excuse to not be happy. [Goes to shut off the light as usual, but holds back] You know, that she's weapons-trained... why is that so sexy?

Erin

So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead." So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "My dad's dead"!

Honey, your dad is not dead.

Erin

[with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.

All he does is mess with people's minds!

Ken

You're right, I do.

See, you're doing it right now!

Ken

[slyly] No, I'm not.

Yes, you are!

Ken

All right, I am.

Stop it!

Erin

You slept with her?

She said, "You want some pie?" I didn't know it was a metaphor!

I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.

Tommy

"Integritous"?

It's a word.

Erin

I never got to see Ireland.

Honey, you never got to see San Diego.

Erin

[with dry sarcasm] That helps.

We think you have a problem. It's about your drinking.

Ken

But I haven't had a drink in a month.

Dad, we'd like you to start again.

Tommy

The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!

[disgusted] There was a plot?

Tommy

You were a pirate.

Dad, is there anything I can do?

Ken

See if you can trade yourself in for a nice Korean kid. (a nearby Asian nurse glares at him)

(pointing at the nurse) Uh, dad--

Ken

I'll name him Ho-John Titus.

Dad--

Ken

Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor cap, and I could probably get him for a pack of cigarettes.

(pointing at the nurse) Why don't you see if she can help you?

Ken

(turning to the nurse) You know where I can get a Korean kid?

You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.

Dave

And I want my pot back.

Dave, we're bribing him.

Dave

But he already has my pot!