Charlie Young quotes from The West Wing

I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

Charlie

Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of, but I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.

[after recognizing Charlie] I resigned my membership in that club, by the way.

Charlie

Did you?

Oh yeah. I find exclusive clubs to be repugnant.

Charlie

I couldn't help but notice that didn't stop you from joining up in the first place.

Now, that's out of line. That's out of line and that shouldn't have been said. And you've forgotten that you're addressing an U.S. Ambassador.

Charlie

I apologize, sir.

I'm sorry to do this, but I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

Charlie

Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of, but I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.

Leo

You're going out?

Charlie

Yeah.

Leo

Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right?

Charlie

Hey, Leo...

Leo

Secret Service protection, Charlie. But thanks for loading me up with that image.

Bartlet

Charlie, when they close the book on me and you, it will say that at this moment you were not there for me. And for that, obviously, there will be some kind of punishment.

Charlie

Well, you could sing Puccini for me again, Mr. President, and we'll call it even.

Bartlet

Charlie, I wanna hire a woman whose voice I think would fit in nicely around here. She's a conservative Republican. You think I should do it?

Charlie

Absolutely, Mr. President, cause I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion.

Bartlet

Charlie!

Charlie

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

Can I have a couple of aspirin or a weapon of some kind to kill people with?

Bartlet

The Assistant Energy Secretary is flying to Portland in the middle of the night so he can meet with me on Air Force One on the way back?

Charlie

Yes sir.

Bartlet

The day-to-day experience of my life has changed in many ways since taking this job.

Charlie

Okay, Mr. President, I say this with all possible respect, but each of these knives cut, you know, meat. Why is it important?

Bartlet

Because it's something we pass on. Something with a history so we can say, 'My father gave this to me. His father gave it to him.'

Charlie

Well, okay, sir, but if that's true, then why don't you already have one?

Bartlet

I do have one.

Charlie

Why do you need a new one?

Bartlet

I'm giving mine away.

Charlie

To who?

Bartlet

Whom.

Charlie

To whom?

Bartlet

Funny you should ask. [takes out knife case from his drawer] Charlie, my father gave this to me, and his father gave it to him, and now I'm giving it to you. Take a look. The fully tapered bolster allows for sharpening the entire edge of the blade.

Charlie

It says 'P.R.' I thought I knew them all, but I don't recognize the manufacturer.

Bartlet

Yeah. This was made for my family by a Boston silversmith named Paul Revere.

Charlie

You send a Christmas card to everyone who writes a letter to the White House.

Bartlet

I do?

Charlie

Yes, sir. And somewhere around a million people wrote you letters this year.

Bartlet

Okay, but some of those were death threats.

Charlie

They've weeded those out.

Charlie

And why doesn't he ask the First Lady about the $500 check himself in the normal course of, you know, being married to her.

When the President inquires into the First Lady's personal bookkeeping, the First Lady gets angry at him... and yells.

Charlie

Well, she's gonna get angry and yell when I inquire too.

Well, the President doesn't care so much about that.

Charlie

[about the President's movie options] Well, he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.

Charlie, please don't say the word "erotic" in the Oval Office.

Charlie

I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.

[about the President's movie options] And what was the other one about?

Charlie

"Prince of New York?"

Yeah.

Charlie

[reading off a sheet of paper] It's an updated version of Dostoyevsky's "The Idiot" which tells the story of a Christ-like epileptic young man who embodies goodness, but encounters sex, crime, and family dysfunction.

Hard to imagine why you didn't think the President would enjoy that, Charlie.

Charlie

Well, he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.

Charlie, please don't say the word "erotic" in the Oval Office.

Charlie

I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.

Bartlet

Toby's concerned that the peaceful solution I brokered in Kashmir last year was the result of a drug-induced haze.

Leo

I was there with him. So was Fitz. So was Cashman, Hutchinson, Berryhill...

Toby

Well, that's fantastic.

Leo

Toby.

Toby

None of you were elected!

Bartlet

I was elected, they were appointed. The Vice President was elected. He has the constitutional authority to assume my--

Toby

Not last May, he didn't. Last May, when you were under general anesthesia.

Bartlet

That's because I never signed the letter, but I don't think I got shot because I got MS!

Toby

No, I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or foreign terrorism, or even an act of war, there was uncertainty as to who was giving the national security orders and it was because you never signed the letter. So I'm led to wonder, given your condition and it's lack of predictability, why there isn't simply a signed letter sitting in a file someplace. And the answer, of course, is that [chuckles] if there was a–a signed letter sitting in a file someplace, somebody would ask why. The Commander in Chief had just been attacked, he was under a general anesthetic, a fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal state and local law enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware National Guard units were federalized. The KH-10s showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq. And twelve hours earlier, an F-117 was shot down in the no-fly, and the Vice President's authority was murky at best! The National Security Advisor and the Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from. I wasn't in the Situation Room that night, but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets that it was Leo. Who no one elected! For ninety minutes that night, there was a coup d'état in this country.

Bartlet

[sarcastically] And the walls came tumbling down. I feel fine, by the way, thanks for asking. [interjecting as Leo tries to speak up] No, Leo, Toby's concern for my health is moving me in ways...

Toby

Mr. President --

Bartlet

[suddenly infuriated, throws a stack of papers against his desk] SHUT UP! [circles around his desk, staring Toby in the face] You know, your indignation would be a lot more interesting to me if it weren't quite so covered in crap!

Charlie

[poking his head in] Sir...

Bartlet

[sharply] Yeah?

Charlie

Mr. Garrett.

Bartlet

Thanks. [glares back at Toby] Are you pissed because I didn't say anything, or are you pissed because there are fifteen people who knew before you did? I feel fine, by the way, thanks for asking.

Bartlet

We won't discuss this any more for the time being. It'll be public soon enough. And the more conversations you have with me, the more lawyers you're gonna have to talk to, and they bill in an hour what you take home in a week, so we won't discuss it except to say this: you're gonna be subpoenaed. I'm confident in your loyalty to me; I'm confident in your love for me. If you lie to protect me, if you lie just once, if you lie just a little, if you lie 'cause you can't stand what's happening to me and the people making it happen, if you ever, ever lie, you're finished with me. You understand?

Charlie

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

Say you understand.

Charlie

I understand, sir.

Donna

A thing the size of a garbage truck is gonna be in a two-thousand-mile-an-hour free fall and no one knows where it's gonna hit!

Charlie

I'm rooting for Zurich.

Donna

Charlie?

Charlie

I've had it up to here with the Swiss.