Sam Seaborn quotes from The West Wing

If we could only say what benefit this thing has. No one's been able to do that...

That's because great achievement has no road map. Well, the X-ray's pretty good. So is Penicillin. Neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind. I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless. Now we have an entire world run by electronics. Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics. They couldn't--they invented them.

Sam

Discovery

What?

Sam

Discovery is what--that's what this is used for. It's for discovery.

Sam

By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whip your Cal Bears any day of the week.

C.J.

At what?

Sam

Logarithms possibly.

It is freezing to cold in Reykjavik. It is freezing to cold in Helsinki. It is freezing to cold in Gstaad. Why must every American President bound out of an automobile like as at a yacht club, while in com...

Comparison.

Comparison, our leader looks like... I don't even know what word is.

Sam

Frumpy?

I don't know what "frumpy" is, but onomatopoetically, sounds right.

Sam

It's hard not to like a guy who doesn't know 'frumpy,' but knows 'onomatopoeia.'

Wait a second, hang on. You're telling me that foreign policy of this magnitude is conducted through Sam, and I'm still alive?

Sam

We're pretty impressed ourselves, Mr. Chairman.

Sam

[negotiating a meeting with the Russian president] It's a coincidence that you should happen to mention the time of the meeting. See, President Chigorin only has to fly through one time zone. President Bartlet has to fly through seven. Don't get me wrong, this President can do three shows a night, but there's no one in the Western Hemisphere who has a worse reaction to jetlag than he does. Any trip 8 hours or longer and someone gets fired at the end of it, and it's already been me three times, so...

We'll pass it on.

Sam

I think everyone on the White House staff would agree when I say that one is a deal-breaker.

Sam

[holding up an envelope] What's this?

Ginger

I don't know. It's marked "personal."

Sam

You don't know who sent it?

Ginger

There's no return address.

Sam

Think it's porn?

Ginger

I don't know.

Sam

'Cause I'm pretty tired, but if it's porn--I mean really good porn--by the way if my innocent joking's making you uncomfortable in any way--

Ginger

No, I'm hoping it's porn.

Bruno

This isn't bad, Sam. Let me show you bad. [they walk out to where all the TVs are running the ad]

Sam

Oh, God.

Bruno

It's on free media. Everywhere. All day, all night, for free. You got played, Sam. And you forgot that all warfare is based on deception.

Sam

He [Gov. Ritchie] said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.

Toby

I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not one person there who's ordinary.

Sam

I know.

Toby

You making fun of the Yankees?

Sam

Uh...no...

Toby

Now?

Toby

He's [Gov. Ritchie] at the Yankee game right now?

Sam

Local news covered it. He said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.

Toby

I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's ordinary.

Sam

I know.

Toby

You making fun of the Yankees?

Sam

Uh...no...

Toby

Now?

Sam

I'm not.

Toby

They went to the Yankee game.

Sam

He's coming at intermission.

Toby

Well, I'm not sure that suits me.

Sam

I know what you mean.

Toby

Making an entrance after the President. That's just not how we play bridge. It's not how we say cricket.

Sam

Okay, but you're starting to freak me out a little bit.

Toby

Just talk to me a minute.

Sam

How many people are at the game?

Toby

It's a good game. About 40,000 probably.

Sam

There was an incumbent President, who was facing a primary challenge, and on the day of the primary, his staff sent his motorcade into a district that was heavily favored by his opponent in order to tie up traffic. Now I would like it plain that I would never do anything to tamper with an election, but...

Toby

I am so... proud of you.

Sam

You're really very much freaking me out.

Sam

32-50 is a consolidated appropriations act that we want to drop in the U.N. speech for Monday morning. I need you to review the final legislative language so we can shop it around the Hill over the weekend.

Ainsley

What does it call for?

Sam

Uh, I don't know.

Ainsley

Sam.

Sam

It authorizes payment of nine hundred and twenty-six million in U.N. dues over three years for an exchange in the reduction of U.N. bureaucracy as well as peace-keeping assessments by the General Assembly.

Ainsley

And what are we concerned about?

Sam

Well, the language was drafted by Republicans.

Ainsley

We're inscrutable.

Sam

I just want you to look for legal landmines.

Ainsley

Like what?

Sam

I don't know. A ban on German food, or a hidden amendment saying how annoying the French are.

Ainsley

How about this? We drop out of the UN entirely and use the 926 million to take everyone in the country out to brunch?

Sam

Why don't you write that suggestion in the margins?

Sam

[on his answering machine] Hi, it's Sam. I'm going to sleep now for a little bit, but if you really need me just yell really loud and I'll probably wake up.

Josh

SAM!!!

Sam

Do we have some sort of condensed... Reader's Digest index... of, well... all human knowledge?

Ginger

We usually just use Margaret.

Sam

[on being a Big Brother] I could narrate what I was doing for him. "Right now, I'm reading background intelligence on Central America as it relates - believe it or not - to textile imports." Intelligence... 007! See, and right away I've got him going with 007.

CJ

I'm sitting here listening; already, I've turned to a life of crime.

At my last job, the background check wasn't nearly as extensive...

Sam

You have a button on your phone, a crash button.

Hmm?

Sam

You have a crash button which will bring the Secret Service in instantly and turn your office into a live microphone which will be broadcast all over the building. It's the button you push if someone's trying to take the Oval Office. This isn't your last job.

Josh

[to Sam] Would you tell him he doesn't have to worry about the district court?

Sam

I told him. [to Bruno] They're not going to rule for Sullivan.

Josh

He's worried 'cause it's Wengland.

Sam

He's not that crazy.

Bruno

I'll tell you, I'm not that comfortable with a federal judge being even a little bit crazy.