Debbie quotes from The West Wing

[to Bartlet] For an Anglo Saxon, you were darn funny.

Bartlet

Is this a joke? If it's a joke, it's both funny and well-executed, but I think you and I both know that it's not. I send you out to replace Delores Landingham, and that's what you came home with?

Charlie

Was she...?

Bartlet

She was an alpaca farmer who needed two tries to get her own name.

Charlie

Well, sir, maybe...

Bartlet

Don't worry about it. I'm gonna get the Personnel Office on it. I got to go change for New York.

Charlie

Okay. Okay, that was my fault. I didn't properly prepare you for the meeting. That was bad staff work. Before your next job interview with the President, I'm gonna remind you that you probably don't want to be stoned.

There's gonna be a second interview?

Charlie

There's gonna be as many as it takes. We're gonna get this right.

Well, let me back you up a second. Have we done the first one yet?

Charlie

I'm calling a cab now.

Okay.

At my last job, the background check wasn't nearly as extensive...

Sam

You have a button on your phone, a crash button.

Hmm?

Sam

You have a crash button which will bring the Secret Service in instantly and turn your office into a live microphone which will be broadcast all over the building. It's the button you push if someone's trying to take the Oval Office. This isn't your last job.

Bartlet

[loudly] Debbie! First of all where the hell are you and where are my–?

[enters with glasses] Right here, Mr. President. And the Ipswitch clams in Chesapeake Bay can hear you bellowing right now.

Bartlet

Ipswich clams don't come from Chesapeake Bay, they come from Ipswich.

Not anymore.

Bartlet

[to Leo] Have her beheaded for my birthday.

Bartlet

Leo said just now that there was going to be an NEC briefing on scoring and tell her what I said.

Leo

'What's wrong with booze and a comfortable pickup?'

No, I see there's no hour too early for your Noel Cowardesque wit, sir.

This is a weird-looking room.

Truman called it the crown jewel of the federal penal system.

You a Truman fan?

Yes, sir.

Me, too.... If Truman were alive today, he'd be a Republican.

Oh, I doubt that very much.

Mrs. Bartlet, I can't tell you how hard I prayed for you.

Abbey

I appreciate that.

Well, you shouldn't. I'm not very religious. So there's the risk that my praying could be taken as insincere or even an affront, which, if it's a vengeful God, could have made matters worse.

Abbey

Well, it didn't, so maybe there's a clue.

Bartlet

She dumped a Rhodes Scholar for this guy. Zoey left Charlie for the frog. Ellie and the guitar player with the purple van. My children choose morons, every one.

They say daughters look for their fathers.

I hate to do this, but it's Rina, sir. The girl in the dress with the flowers--

Bartlet

Just now?

Yes.

Bartlet

What'd I call her?

Lana.

Bartlet

Who's Lana?

I'm guessing an exotic dancer from your spotty youth.

I'm still laughing.

Bartlet

Real reason I went for a second term: couple more years between this gig, the Gridiron, and the Alfalfa Club, I'll be ready for the Def Comedy circuit.

I'd hold out for Vegas, sir.

Bartlet

My first Correspondent's Dinner was a nightmare. Bombed.

Leo

Put that behind you tonight.

Bartlet

I killed.

Bartlet

They laughed till they cried. They're still crying.

Honestly, sir, in my case, it's the pollen count. But for an Anglo-Saxon, you were darn funny.

Bartlet

When I came into office, we knew the word "terrorist." It was in the daily briefing. But we pictured guys with turbans in the desert or some mad survivalist in a cabin in Montana. That party's over. Now anyone with high school chemistry is a potential threat.

That's a lot of enemies, sir.

Bartlet

Too many.

CJ

You got the energy quarterly?

Bartlet

I got it right here, thank you.

CJ

I'd like it back.

Bartlet

How about you get your own copy?

CJ

We're not ready to assess domestic nuclear storage facilities, sir. The team hasn't evaluated all the options and I haven't presented you with complete information.

Bartlet

You don't think this is a good start?

CJ

I think it's you doing my job for me. You're looking at this based on DOD's call. Their perspective is valid, but it's only one perspective, and until we've gathered all the others, if you need something to read, I recommend the new Benjamin Franklin bio. It's a real page turner. [Grabs papers and begins to exit] Thank you, Mr. President.

What was that?

Bartlet

I just got spanked.

Hmm... Sorry I missed it. She still nervous?

Bartlet

I don't think so, no.

That wasn't very long.

Bartlet

I couldn't sleep.

Couldn't or wouldn't?

Bartlet

I have three daughters and a wife; two of whom are also doctors. If you presume I don't get enough of that sort of comment, you're really not using your imagination.

[As Vinick and staff sit down in the Mural room] Make yourselves comfortable. The President will be right with you.

Vinick

Thank you.

[quietly] Not too comfortable.

Vinick

What?

[acting confused] What?

Good morning Mr. President.

Bartlet

Morning.

How are you feeling this morning?

Bartlet

Unemployed.

A lot of that going around the building.