Bruno Gianelli quotes from The West Wing

Bruno

I've been thinking it might not be such a bad idea to lock you all in here and set the place on fire. We have 48 hours before we kick off this campaign. We will work hard, we will work well, and we will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses you will quite simply be dead.

Bruno

[to Bartlet] I have difficulty sometimes talking to people who don't race sailboats. When I was a teenager, I crewed Larchmont to Nassau on a 58-foot sloop called Cantice. There was a little piece of kelp that was stuck to the hull, and even though it was little, you don't want anything stuck to the hull. So, I take a boat hook on a pole and I stick it in the water and I try to get the kelp off, when seven guys start screaming at me, right? 'Cause now the pole is causing more drag than the kelp was. See, what you gotta do is you gotta drop it in and let the water lift it out in a windmill motion. Drop it in, and let the water take it by the kelp and lift it out. In, and out. In, and out, till you got it. The voters aren't choosing a plumber, Mr. President. They are choosing a president. And if you don't think that your family should matter, my suggestion to you is to get out of professional politics. And if you think that I'm going to miss even one opportunity to pick up half-a-knot boat speed, you're absolutely out of your mind. When it costs us nothing, when we give up nothing?! You're out of your mind.

Bruno

You were the one who sent them the press releases, right?

Josh

What press releases?

Bruno

Subcommittee. About tobacco.

Josh

Yes, I was.

Bruno

Well, that was stupid.

Josh

You think?

Bruno

No, I know.

Josh

I got two years as legislative director in the House, two years as floor director in the Senate, and thirty months as Deputy Chief of Staff. What do you got?

Bruno

Josh...

Josh

Kalmbach's a fat-ass Rotarian gasbag. I knew once I sent the thing he'd raise the profile and give us the press we needed.

Bruno

Kalmbach is vulnerable in his home state. He's got an influx of tech and other clean industries along his Route Nine corridor, along with the suburban voters that go with it - affluent parents who don't want their kids smoking.

Josh

We got the money, Bruno.

Bruno

You don't want the money. You want the issue. You should have waited until the fall when the bell rings and then we hammer them with it. Then Kalmbach, Leder, Ross, Roark, Steve - whoever gets the nomination - has it hanging around their necks they're nicotine pushers. [beat] Plus, you get the money. [long pause] The sooner you get I know what I'm talking about, and I'm on your side, the sooner your world gets better. Of course, you got the money. I'm amazed they didn't send it to you with candy and a stripper. Pennsylvania. Michigan. Ohio. Three swing states you could have brought over with that. That's an election.

Sam

Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?

Bruno

Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax ya back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, leave it to beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please Don't Hurt Me'. No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?

Sam

Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?

Bruno

Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax you back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave it to Beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please don't hurt me.' No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?

Toby

I agree.

Sam

Toby...

Toby

So let's stick to the spirit of the law.

Sam

The spirit of the law means no soft money.

Toby

No, I'm saying let's do an issue ad, an actual issue ad. Let's do a bunch. Health care, equal opportunity--

School construction.

Toby

School construction. Does anyone think that raising awareness of crumbling schools won't help us?

Sam

There's actually a reasonable point here. New polls see Republicans as better on education with no basis for it.

Bruno

And the ad could spark a debate on the issue, which would help.

Sam

And we take a parallel path on our free media.

Across America, our schools are crumbling, holes in the walls, kids packed into trailers like sardines in a can. Half of America's schools are in disrepair.

Toby

And when schools fall down, so do test scores.

Bruno

This isn't bad, I like this.

Sam

Yes.

Bruno

Why am I nervous?

Sam

It's not amoral.

Bruno

[laughs] Yeah.

Bruno

This isn't bad, Sam. Let me show you bad. [they walk out to where all the TVs are running the ad]

Sam

Oh, God.

Bruno

It's on free media. Everywhere. All day, all night, for free. You got played, Sam. And you forgot that all warfare is based on deception.

Donna

We're here!

Josh

You know, everybody's really over that now.

CJ

Admiral Scott! Your expedition's returned!

Toby

Are they over it?

Josh

Yeah.

Bruno

Barnum, Bailey, and their sister Sue!

Josh

They're almost over it.

Josh

[to Sam] Would you tell him he doesn't have to worry about the district court?

Sam

I told him. [to Bruno] They're not going to rule for Sullivan.

Josh

He's worried 'cause it's Wengland.

Sam

He's not that crazy.

Bruno

I'll tell you, I'm not that comfortable with a federal judge being even a little bit crazy.

Bruno

I'm just simply going to kill you.

CJ

She seems nice.

Bruno

That is the brunette, named Annette.

CJ

Wouldn't you give anything if she was from Tibet?

Bruno

I'm actually fine with her being from Philadelphia, so please state your business.

Vinick

What do you know about Republican politics?

Bruno

I don't care about Republican politics.

Vinick

Well, that I believe.

Bruno

I don't care about Democratic politics, either. Okay, I do care about the Democrats. Look, they don't know it yet; you are the best thing to ever happen to them. You're moving the Republicans away from the right wing. You're not saying Democrats are not patriotic; you're just saying that your approach is better than theirs. You are making politics a fair fight again. What? You think I'm a spy? I snuck in here, I'm trying to steer you wrong?

Vinick

The thought has crossed my mind.

Bruno

I have spent the last 20 years ripping this country apart, finding wedge issues to separate the voters, you don't have to do that to win; not this time. You do this right, you can do a lot more than win. You can stop using politics to divide this country. You can show us how much we agree, instead of how much we disagree. You can put this country back together.

Vinick

I've always won the Latino vote in California. Why should I give up on that now?

Bruno

Well, I don't know. Let me think. Well, maybe because you're running against a Latino candidate who's going to get about... 2,000 percent of the Latino vote.

Bruno

He should resign the Senate now so we can't be forced into any more difficult votes.

[on the phone] He'd be breaking his promise to Californian voters to serve his full six-year term.

Bruno

We've already got enough problems with his voting record.

Vinick

Hey, I'm proud of my voting record. Well, most of it. I'd quit the Senate in a second if I thought it'd help us win. Now it would just look like a cheap stunt.

Bruno

I'm just saying...

We'll just have to turn the Senate into an advantage.

Bruno

No senator has won the Presidency since 1960. There is a reason for that.

Vinick

Sheila, will you please tell Bruno that when I make a decision, that's the end of the discussion.

Vinick

We've got to shake this up now. This is not business as usual.

Bruno

Santos got a polling bump from the Reserve thing. That is gonna disappear just as fast...

Vinick

Santos is not the standard-issue Democratic candidate.

Yeah, he's weaker than the standard-issue Democratic candidate.

Vinick

Matt Santos is a lot smarter and tougher than you think. We've got to take it to him. We've got to put Santos in a jam. We can't just cross our fingers and hope for the Houston Police Union to do it for us.

First one to go negative is a show of weakness.

Vinick

I want to knock him off message without ever mentioning his name.

Bruno

Look, we can find ways that can surprise him.

Vinick

I don't want to surprise him. I want to shock him.

We have had a good time always running for the center. But the party's over. You're a Republican, you need to start talking to the Republican, conservative base.

Bruno

Nail him to the cross. He can stump for votes on the Via Dolorosa.

We have had a good time always running for the center. But the party's over. You're a Republican, you need to start talking to the Republican, conservative base.

Bruno

Nail him to the cross. He can stump for votes on the Via Dolorosa.

I am the only person talking to values voters.

Bruno

And you are doing a fantastic job.

They're not voting for me, and they know it. He needs to spend more time in the southern states to make sure we don't lose them.

Bruno

The undecideds are moderates. They're not bible thumpers. He's got to speak to their issues.

What's he going to do? Suddenly pull the Arnold Vinick Health Plan out of his tailpipe?

Vinick

Would that qualify as a miracle? They like the miracles.