I'm going up to Smith College tomorrow.
SamWhy?
Sam
Reunion?
The women's studies department is holding a panel on resurrecting the ERA.
Sam
Who else is on the panel?
Rebecca Walker, Gloria Steinem, Ann Coulter, Naomi Wolf...
Sam
You know, something like 40% of all women oppose the ERA, and in my entire lifetime, I've yet to meet one of them.
[extending hand] Ainsley Hayes, pleased to meet you.
Sam
You're not...
Sam
You're not!
Sam
You're not, you're not, you're not one of those people!
Sam, if, by those people, you're referring to Episcopalians...
Sam
You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?
And get some decent pizza, yeah.
Sam
They're gonna hate you.
I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina. You don't think they hated me the first time around?
He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing.
Sam
Well, I don't think he does...
He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are.
Sam
Okay.
Sam
Which one's which?
Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin?
Sam
I'm not Robin.
Sam
Okay, well, let's move off this.
Sam
Listen, we're really not Batman and Robin.
No, we'll keep those identities secret. I'm Bruce Wayne, and you're my ward...
Sam
Toby...
Sam
Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?
Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax ya back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, leave it to beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please Don't Hurt Me'. No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?
Sam
Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?
Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax you back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave it to Beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please don't hurt me.' No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?
Sam
Toby...
So let's stick to the spirit of the law.
Sam
The spirit of the law means no soft money.
No, I'm saying let's do an issue ad, an actual issue ad. Let's do a bunch. Health care, equal opportunity--
CConnie
School construction.
School construction. Does anyone think that raising awareness of crumbling schools won't help us?
Sam
There's actually a reasonable point here. New polls see Republicans as better on education with no basis for it.
And the ad could spark a debate on the issue, which would help.
Sam
And we take a parallel path on our free media.
CConnie
Across America, our schools are crumbling, holes in the walls, kids packed into trailers like sardines in a can. Half of America's schools are in disrepair.
And when schools fall down, so do test scores.
This isn't bad, I like this.
Sam
Yes.
Sam
It's not amoral.
A national seat-belt law is never gonna happen.
Sam
Why?
What's the most important state in the primaries?
Sam
New Hampshire.
What's the most important state in the general?
Sam
Michigan.
What's the only state without a mandatory seat-belt law?
Sam
New Hampshire.
And where do they make the cars?
Sam
Fair enough.
Sam
[about an inaccurate tell-all book] I'm sorry. We can't sit on the sidelines and ignore this crap. I'm not going to. Why am I the only one taking this seriously?
That's a reasonable question and we should explore that for a minute.
Sam
It's not the reason you think.
Sam
Yes, I hired the guy, but that's not... Legitimate news organizations are going to cover this to say nothing of the people who hate us who are going to run it over, over, over, over, over...This guy was here for three minutes and he was fired. He is not credible. I'm a lawyer, I'm telling you. That has to be made clear. Every time he makes a factual mistake we got to come out with a press release. Every time he misquotes or misidentifies anyone we need to have an affidavit swearing to the truth. If there's a comma in the wrong place he needs to be killed until he is dead and he needs to be killed again or he is going to keep biting at our ankles and I mean all through the campaign. He needs to be a joke, or we're going to be.
[snapping fingers rhythmically] Boy, boy, crazy boy. Keep cool, boy...
Sam
I'm not screwing around.
Sam
I'm not going to be a victim of this.
Let me tell you something I've learned in my years. There are victims of fires. There are victims of car accidents. This kind of thing, there are no victims - just volunteers. Of course we'll get in the game. I'll talk to the editors of the major papers but we're not going to publicly refute every bogus charge. First of all, there are too many of them. Second of all, I'm not going to give this guy and his book the weight of the White House. As far as the press is concerned I've read the book because I had to. You have a vague recollection of the guy but he wasn't here long enough to make a lasting impression. Have you read the book? Of course not. You're too busy doing a job.
Sam
While you're convincing the Post and the Times that it's ridiculous...
Sam! Once again, we don't know what's going on in the Oval Office. Obviously, there's a problem. When it's our turn to worry about it they won't be shy about telling us. Let's not fixate on the knuckleheaded stuff we think we can fix in the meantime. And it feels a lot like...that's what you're doing.
[after the State of the Union speech] Congratulations, boss!
Nice job. Take the rest of the night off.
Yeah, it's one in the morning.
Well, you've earned it! Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch, I'm gonna do you right here.
Sam
Okay.
Sorry, I was still talking to Carol.
Sam
What is wrong with you?
Sam
Hey, I'm just, you know. Anyway, congratulations. And if you're serious about that thing with Carol, I can just sit in the corner and not even say–
A President stood up. He said we will land a man on the moon before the end of the decade. You know what we knew when he said that? Nothing. We didn't know anything. We didn't know about the lunar surface. We didn't know how to land one of these things. All we'd ever done is crash it into the ocean. And God knows we could figure out how to land soft. We didn't know how to blast off again, but a President said we're gonna do it, and we did it. So I ask you, why shouldn't I stand up and say we are going to cure cancer in ten years?
[Silence in the room. No one responds.]
Well, how close are we to really being able to do this?
It'll be seen as a political ploy.
It can be seen... [to Toby] Excuse me. [to Bartlet] It can be seen as self-serving.
Using cancer to deflect attention from MS.
You think people with cancer care what my motives are? You think their families do?
I agree with everything that's been said, except, I don't think they'll see it as deflecting the MS. I think they'll see it as deflecting the censure.
Once again, why would somebody...?
Everybody cares about motive, Mr. President.
KKenny
She said, "Everybody cares about motive," sir.
Sam
Yes sir?
Sam
I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.
Sam
Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she said she didn't mind at all. Plus, Charlie said he's fine with it.
Sam
Yes.
We need to be clear we're not going to take a bath when other countries can afford to take on more.
Sam
Yes.
Sam
I also think it's important to make it clear that I'm not a sexist.
CCelia
If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
CCelia
I said I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
I don't even know what that means.
And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them. But all women don't have to think alike.
CCelia
I didn't say they did and when somebody said something that offended me, I did say so.
I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know why? I like sex.
I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it.
CCelia
And what kind of feminism do you call that?
BBonney
It's called Lipstick Feminism. I call it Stiletto Feminism.
Sam
Stilettos?
You're not in enough trouble already?
Sam
I suppose I am.
CCelia
Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing?
He would be able to, but that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones: pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment, and in this case a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly. So, you, [to Sam] 25% on the assessments for Category A. [To Charlie] You...I don't know what your thing is. [To Celia] And, you, stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake.
Sam
Well, for the moment, I'm going to do what she's telling me to do.
Sam
How does this end?
[Leo knocks and walks into the office.]
[Bartlet walks to Leo to read the note he brought him.]
Turn them around. I'll make some calls and thank people.
[Bartlet returns to Sam and hands him the piece of paper.]
Sam
I'd like to try it without looking at the note.
Sam
China agrees to stand down the war games.
Sam
And they agree to let Taiwan test the Patriots. One Patriot.
Sam
And we... please, I want to be right about this. We agree not to sell Taiwan the Aegis Destroyers for a period of I don't know... five years.
Ten years, but you've got it.
Sam
Sir, the Aegis... the Aegis radar technology isn't not something... I mean, what if Taiwan did fall to China? Now they have...and plus these ships cost something like $800 million apiece. Buying four of them would eat half of Taiwan's defense budget.
Sam
You never were going to sell them the destroyers.
[shakes his head] But everybody wakes up alive in the morning and saves a little face.
Sam
[amazed] I don't know how you... I don't know what the word... I don't know how you do it.
You have a lot of help. You listen to everybody and then you call the play. [rises to his feet] Sam. You're gonna run for President one day. Don't be scared. You can do it. I believe in you. [looks at the board] Checkmate.
Sam
I need you to tell me everything you can tell me about the superconducting supercollider.
MProfessor Milgate
How much time do we have?
Sam
About ten minutes.
MProfessor Milgate
If you pay very close attention, stay very, very quiet – I can teach you how to spell it.
The West Wing · 913 quotes
