You know that stuff that they're selling now at the local shop?
GeraldineWhich stuff?
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Geraldine
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, I can't believe it's not butter.
Geraldine
Yeah, well, I believe that is the idea, yeah.
Then yesterday I went to Kirkenden and I bought this other stuff, like a sort of home brand, you know.
Geraldine
Yes?
And, you know, I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Geraldine
Mmmm?
[pause]
Geraldine
I'm losing you now.
Oh, right. Well, you know I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?
Geraldine
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you think it is butter.
No, no. I mean, you know the stuff that I can't believe is not butter is called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?
Geraldine
Probably, yeah, yeah.
Well, I can't believe the stuff that is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And I can't believe that both I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff that I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are both, in fact, not butter. And I believe... they both might be butter... in a cunning disguise. And, in fact, there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was.
Geraldine
Yeah. You see, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by the whole thing.
(While delivering chocolate eggs in a bunny costume, Geraldine runs into another full sized bunny)
Geraldine
David!
Vicar! What are you doing?
Geraldine
I'm the Easter Bunny!
You can't be! I'm the Easter Bunny. I promised Letitia Cropley I'd do it.
Geraldine
Well, so did I!
Mad bat must have forgotten she'd already asked me. How demeaning! After all the time I've spent on these bloody ears! (Puts his rabbit head back on.)
Geraldine
I must say, you look surprisingly cute in that.
Geraldine
What a sexy little tail! (Gives it a squeeze.)
Stop that! I suggest we keep very quiet about this. You do one end of the village and I'll do the other. It will remain our secret.
Geraldine
Fair enough. Are you sure you don't want to come back to my burrow afterwards for a bit of bunny funny business?
(They turn the corner and gasp as they are confronted with the sight of Owen and about a dozen other Easter Bunnies)
Oh hell! Any more and we'll be able to stage a production of WATERSHIP BLOODY DOWN!!
Geraldine
Mm-hm?
What are you looking forward to more than anything else at Christmas this year?
Geraldine
Well, my highlights are going to be Jurassic Park and the Queen's Speech, written this year by Ruby Wax, I believe. And what about you?
I'm totally excited about your first Christmas sermon; it, it's just going to be an experience I'll never forget.
Geraldine
Alice, my first Christmas sermon was last Christmas.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. It's not your fault, you probably just chose a boring subject.
Geraldine
What, the birth of Jesus Christ? Otherwise known as the greatest story ever told.
Yeah, first time you hear it. But after that, it gets a bit predictable, innit? Man and woman get to inn, inn full, baby is born in manger, angels sing on high blah blah blah.
Geraldine
You have forgotten to mention that that baby is in fact the Son of God.
Oh yeah, that is a nice twist.
Geraldine
A nice twist?!
[drunk, laughing] Knock, knock.
Geraldine
Who's there?
No, no, no, no! [laughing uncontrollably] No, wait! No, no! Doctor!
Geraldine
[laughing] Doctor who?
[Geraldine has turned down Owen's proposal of marriage]
Geraldine
Promise me you're not too upset?
Well, I don't know yet how upset I am.
Geraldine
Well, not so upset you're going to go kill yourself or anything like that?
I haven't decided. But, before I do, answer me one question.
Geraldine
Oh, anything.
Right. Have you been drinking?
Geraldine
Have had one little dropsicle, yes.
Because if there's one thing I can't stand it's a woman who drinks. So, no, I'm not upset at all. In fact I'm very grateful to you from saving me from marriage to a lush who reeks of gin from dusk till dawn. Madam, I bid you farewell, you revolting old soak.
[Owen storms out]
Geraldine
That is one hell of a charming dude.
Geraldine
I think we have a caller on line one. Hello, caller.
Geraldine
It is indeed. Is that David Horton, local councilor, chairman of the parish?
You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.
Geraldine
David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually live on--
I'm cancelling. I'm sorry. I don't want that moron Alice asking me damn fool questions.
Geraldine
David.
And it's no good telling me you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview. Have to cancel--talk to you later.
Geraldine
Uh, David. Just before you go, just between you and me, how are your hemorrhoids?
Well... They're terrible if you must know.
Geraldine
Aw. Really painful? Very embarrassing? Bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?
... Yes, well it is actually. My lavatory hasn't know what's hit it in the last few weeks.
Geraldine
Aw. Aw. Well thank you, David "Hemorrhoid" Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio call-in. Anything else you'd like to add?
[silence] ... [fake German accent] And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice. I bet I had you all fooled, eh? Ha ha ha!
No, no, no, that's right. I'm not going to watch his show anymore.
Geraldine
You're on in fifteen seconds, Frank, and I need to hear a little bit for level, so tell us what you had for breakfast.
Geraldine
Yeah... I need a little bit more than that, so just make something up, you know, let your imagination run wild.
Wild! Great. Two pieces of toast
Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?
Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.
No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.
Geraldine
No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.
Oh, come on. We did all right last year.
Geraldine
We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!
Geraldine
Remember Denfield?
Well, how could one forget those poor people?
Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?
Geraldine
And they came fifty-third.
[crumples the form]
Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.
Geraldine
You're the boss.
Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?
[his lips are not moving] Father. Father.
Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?
Geraldine
[dressed as an angel] Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.
Geraldine
What's worse than not selling any tickets at all?
Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.
No, no, no, no, th-that's right. Who comes on the stage, and slits all our throats, and then leaves us all in a great pool of blood!
Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address?
The Vicar of Dibley · 78 quotes
