Frank Pickle quotes from The Vicar of Dibley

Frank

Isn't there something we can do to help? After all, we are the three wise men.

Frank

Oh, right!

Mrs. Cropley

The question is whether I bring the snails I've got for my new recipe.

Frank

What recipe is that?

Mrs. Cropley

Bread and Butter Pudding Surprise.

Frank

Lunch at one?

Geraldine

Can we have it just a little bit earlier?

Frank

Like when?

Geraldine

Like in about five minutes.

Frank

Very good sermon, Vicar!

Jim

No, no, no, no, yes! I like the way you move from the superficial and facile messages of popular music to the subtle and more complex revelations of the nativity.

Geraldine

I think we have a caller on line one. Hello, caller.

David

Vicar, is that you?

Geraldine

It is indeed. Is that David Horton, local councilor, chairman of the parish?

David

You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.

Geraldine

David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually live on--

David

I'm cancelling. I'm sorry. I don't want that moron Alice asking me damn fool questions.

Geraldine

David.

David

And it's no good telling me you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview. Have to cancel--talk to you later.

Geraldine

Uh, David. Just before you go, just between you and me, how are your hemorrhoids?

David

Well... They're terrible if you must know.

Geraldine

Aw. Really painful? Very embarrassing? Bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?

David

... Yes, well it is actually. My lavatory hasn't know what's hit it in the last few weeks.

Geraldine

Aw. Aw. Well thank you, David "Hemorrhoid" Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio call-in. Anything else you'd like to add?

David

[silence] ... [fake German accent] And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice. I bet I had you all fooled, eh? Ha ha ha!

Owen

Zombies? He's got nerve.

Jim

No, no, no, that's right. I'm not going to watch his show anymore.

Frank

Nor me.

Owen

Bloody Bremner!

Geraldine

You're on in fifteen seconds, Frank, and I need to hear a little bit for level, so tell us what you had for breakfast.

Frank

Toast.

Geraldine

Yeah... I need a little bit more than that, so just make something up, you know, let your imagination run wild.

Frank

Wild! Great. Two pieces of toast

David

Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.

Owen

Good idea.

Geraldine

You're the boss.

David

Excellent. Ready, Frank?

Frank

Absolutely.

David

Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?

Jim

Yes.

Hugo

Father.

David

Later, Hugo.

Hugo

I didn't say anything.

David

What do you mean?

Hugo

[his lips are not moving] Father. Father.

David

Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?

Geraldine

[dressed as an angel] Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.

Jim

Well I've been married 43 years and the secret of a successful marriage Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.

Hugo

Well, hooray.

Jim

With as many different women as possible.

Geraldine

Oh, God.

Jim

Especially orientals cos they can go on...

Geraldine

Thank you, Jim. What about you, Frank?

Frank

Well, I've never had sex with an oriental.

Jim

We're sorry to trouble you at this time, Vicar. It's just that you know when you said that if we had a serious problem that should come and see you.

Geraldine

[uneasy] Yes

Frank

[serious] We need to see you now. Desperately.

Geraldine

[Geraldine begins to feel for them] Of course guys, of course. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Have a seat. Now tell me, what's the problem?

Jim

[shows a crossword] It's Seven Down.

Frank

[Frank and Jim have just found out that Geraldine is planning to sleep with Simon] Good luck vicar, I think he'll make you very happy.

Geraldine

Aw, thank you Frank.

Jim

And if he doesn't I'll have a go!

Geraldine

Now Alice. You're single, a virgin and yet pregnant.

Owen

That happened to my cousin Sally.

Geraldine

No it didn't, Owen.

Owen

Yes it did. She gave birth three times but she never ever had sex with a man.

Jim

Except me.

Frank

And me.

Owen

And me if I'm honest.

Geraldine

This Christmas is quite special this year.

Jim

Is Carry On Camping going to be on the telly?

Geraldine

No, no!

Owen

Is Jesus coming back to get rid of all the bad in this sick world?

Geraldine

Not that either, although it would be good to have someone new presenting Songs of Praise! But no, the reason that this year is special to me is that it is my tenth year in Dibley.

Frank

Here is a woman, who could have done anything. Gone anywhere! And yet you have chosen to waste the best ten years of your life stuck with us morons!

Geraldine

... Yeah. Thanks for that!

Geraldine

So Frank, how many verses?

Frank

108. It's quite a controversial thesis and it took a little bit of time to formulate my... peroration.

Geraldine

Right, well, would you forgive us if we didn't hear all of the verses?

Frank

I could drop 1 or 2 in the middle.

Geraldine

Fire away!

Geraldine

You say it.

Alice

Next.

Frank

(walks away mumbling sadly)