Geraldine Granger quotes from The Vicar of Dibley

Geraldine

Why would anyone be stupid enough to want fame and fortune when you can have the stars at night and a proper friend by your side?

Alice

Oh, nice.

Alice

[about her wedding] It's all going to be so perfect.

Geraldine

Yes, although I have been having second thoughts about you wearing this dress.

Alice

Really? You think I should go nude?

Alice

It's a thought.

Geraldine

No, no , no. I just think it should be simpler, that's all.

Alice

Oh, you mean like, like lots of hearts or something.

Geraldine

Yeah, could be, yeah.

Alice

With a different Doctor Who in each one.

Geraldine

No!

Jim

Well I've been married 43 years and the secret of a successful marriage Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.

Hugo

Well, hooray.

Jim

With as many different women as possible.

Geraldine

Oh, God.

Jim

Especially orientals cos they can go on...

Geraldine

Thank you, Jim. What about you, Frank?

Frank

Well, I've never had sex with an oriental.

Geraldine

If any person here knows of any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

Yes!

I do. The groom is already married.

He married me three years ago. And don't let him deny it! I've got the marriage certificate to prove it!

Oh... sorry. Wrong church.

Alice

I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.

Geraldine

I'm not sure I'm familiar with this particular pregnancy test.

Alice

Oh, it's how we've always done it here in Dibley. You see, you get a hamster, and you wee on it, and if it turns blue you're pregnant.

Geraldine

Right.

Jim

We're sorry to trouble you at this time, Vicar. It's just that you know when you said that if we had a serious problem that should come and see you.

Geraldine

[uneasy] Yes

Frank

[serious] We need to see you now. Desperately.

Geraldine

[Geraldine begins to feel for them] Of course guys, of course. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Have a seat. Now tell me, what's the problem?

Jim

[shows a crossword] It's Seven Down.

Frank

[Frank and Jim have just found out that Geraldine is planning to sleep with Simon] Good luck vicar, I think he'll make you very happy.

Geraldine

Aw, thank you Frank.

Jim

And if he doesn't I'll have a go!

Geraldine

Now Alice. You're single, a virgin and yet pregnant.

Owen

That happened to my cousin Sally.

Geraldine

No it didn't, Owen.

Owen

Yes it did. She gave birth three times but she never ever had sex with a man.

Jim

Except me.

Frank

And me.

Owen

And me if I'm honest.

Aww hello little one, you're awake.

Geraldine

Yes, I wonder why.

Jim

I was so excited, I made love to a Swedish journalist.

Geraldine

We know, Jim. We were chained to you at the time.

Geraldine

This Christmas is quite special this year.

Jim

Is Carry On Camping going to be on the telly?

Geraldine

No, no!

Owen

Is Jesus coming back to get rid of all the bad in this sick world?

Geraldine

Not that either, although it would be good to have someone new presenting Songs of Praise! But no, the reason that this year is special to me is that it is my tenth year in Dibley.

Frank

Here is a woman, who could have done anything. Gone anywhere! And yet you have chosen to waste the best ten years of your life stuck with us morons!

Geraldine

... Yeah. Thanks for that!

Geraldine

[Geraldine giving her Christmas sermon while heavily drunk] On this day, many many years ago, a child was born. And his name was ummm... his name was... gosh, I know this... it's in that book. Ummm... [looks at Alice for answer].

Alice

[Whispers, trying to hint the name] J.

Geraldine

Jeremy! No, that's not it.

Alice

[Whispers louder than before] J-esus.

Geraldine

Jesus - no that's not right either. Doesn't matter, what's in a name? Important thing is... he was a very, very nice guy... apparently. (laughs) Two important things to remember about him. ONE, he loved all of us and he had a nice fluffy beard , and three, two, one - THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!! [She collapses and falls off the pulpit. The congregation applauds].

Owen

[Reading his letter to the Prime Minister] Dear Prime Minister...

Geraldine

Good Start!

Owen

Listen up, you stupid Prick...

Geraldine

Smell a tiny problem there...

Owen

Yes, well, I thought he must get a lot of letters and that I should grab his attention right from the beginning.

Geraldine

Yeah, good point, I think that might be a little bit counter-productive, but let's see how we continue...

Owen

Dear Prime Minister, listen up, you stupid Prick...

Geraldine

Yes...

Owen

Yours sincerely, Owen Newitt.

Alice

I'm reading that fantistic new book from the bible!

Geraldine

[Hesitates] ...What new book from the bible?

Alice

The Da Vinci Code