Geraldine Granger quotes from The Vicar of Dibley

Geraldine

I've just been visiting my new parishioners. Frankly I think that they would have been less surprised if the new vicar was Mr Blobby.

Geraldine

God, I had a terrible night and my bottom had a worse one! That Cropley woman really is the Queen of Cordon Bleaaaagh!

Geraldine

(to a portrait of Jesus) Listen, birthday boy. If you don't help me, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tell them that you actually are Noel Edmunds.

Geraldine

Well, here's to love and marriage, which go together like a horse and carriage, according to Cole Porter. He should know; he was gay. Ha ha!

Geraldine

I swear, if these are Jehovah's Witnesses I'm joining. Anything to get out of this village! You try to be nice to people, they turn you into the EC turkey mountain.

Geraldine

For 10 points, which Tinker was commonly known as "Donkey Bonker"?

Geraldine

Let's just finish this conversation, before I stab you to death.

Geraldine

[To woman in the crowd] Hello you! I haven't told anyone about your boob job!

Geraldine

And you! You think no one notices that you're.. bald. I mean everyone is looking at you, and thinking "My goodness. Why does this man have a massive egg for a head". CRACK ON!

Geraldine

Everyone is welcome here in the bosom of my bosoms.

Geraldine Granger

You were expecting a bloke - beard, bible, bad breath.

David Horton

Yes, that sort of thing.

Geraldine Granger

And instead you got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.

David Horton

So I see.

David Horton

Owen, this is Geraldine. She's the new vicar.

Owen Newitt

No it isn't! She's a woman!

Geraldine Granger

Oh! You noticed! [Points to breasts] These are such a giveaway, aren't they?

Alice

You can call me Alice.

Geraldine

Right.

Alice

Because it's my name.

David Horton

Sadly, you must minute Frank that Dibley can't afford a new window.

Geraldine

Stop writing, Frank! 'Can't' isn't in the Christian Vocabulary!

Owen Newitt

Yes it is! You can't commit Adultery, You can't steal...

Jim Trott

You can't even covet your neighbour's ass. Even if it is very alluring!

David Horton

What was that socialist tract you were spouting from the pulpit last week?

Geraldine

I've got a feeling it was the Sermon on the Mount.

David Horton

Jesus did not tell rich people to give all their money away.

Geraldine

I think you'll find he did actually!

David Horton

Nonsense. What did he say to the sick man? "Take up thy bed and walk." In other words "Help yourself". "On your bike."

Geraldine

Are you trying to establish a direct spiritual link between Jesus Christ and Norman Tebbit?

David Horton

You can't deny there are similarities.

Geraldine

[Loudly] There bloody are not!

Mrs Cropley

Nibble, Vicar? It's chocolate spread.

Geraldine

Chocolate? You promise?

Mrs Cropley

Yes.

Geraldine

Alright then, I will. [Takes a bite of cake and pulls a face] Hm. Very, uh, unusual taste.

Mrs Cropley

Yes, well I put in a bit of taramosalata as well.

Geraldine

Did you? Would you excuse me a moment! [Runs to the bathroom.]