Jim Trott quotes from The Vicar of Dibley

Jim

No, no, no, we are the kings.

Jim

Most kings are brain-dead, inbred cretins.

Jim

That is life. Full of confusion. I found this gorgeous girl in Thailand. We snogged, well we more than snogged. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We got married on a pineapple strewn beach. On the first night of the honeymoon she takes off all her clothes and it turns out she's a bloke called Duane.

Jim Trott

[Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! No no no no no no no refreshments will be available in the refreshment tent!

Is that "No parking is allowed in the upper field", or "Parking is allowed in the upper field"?

Jim Trott

[Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! OK?

Owen Newitt

Filthy weather!

Jim Trott

No, no, no I've known worse.

Owen Newitt

Oh yes? When was that then?

Jim Trott

The Great Storm. When the windmill got blown over.

Owen Newitt

That wasn't The Great Storm, that was a moderately windy night! No, the really great storm... was The Great Storm.

Jim Trott

When was that?

Owen Newitt

When Dave Batt got decapitated.

Jim Trott

That wasn't the great storm!

Owen Newitt

Well, it was pretty damn great!

David Horton

Sadly, you must minute Frank that Dibley can't afford a new window.

Geraldine

Stop writing, Frank! 'Can't' isn't in the Christian Vocabulary!

Owen Newitt

Yes it is! You can't commit Adultery, You can't steal...

Jim Trott

You can't even covet your neighbour's ass. Even if it is very alluring!

Jim

[drunk, laughing] Knock, knock.

Geraldine

Who's there?

Jim

No, no, no, no! [laughing uncontrollably] No, wait! No, no! Doctor!

Geraldine

[laughing] Doctor who?

Jim

Yes!

Frank

Very good sermon, Vicar!

Jim

No, no, no, no, yes! I like the way you move from the superficial and facile messages of popular music to the subtle and more complex revelations of the nativity.

Geraldine

I think we have a caller on line one. Hello, caller.

David

Vicar, is that you?

Geraldine

It is indeed. Is that David Horton, local councilor, chairman of the parish?

David

You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.

Geraldine

David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually live on--

David

I'm cancelling. I'm sorry. I don't want that moron Alice asking me damn fool questions.

Geraldine

David.

David

And it's no good telling me you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview. Have to cancel--talk to you later.

Geraldine

Uh, David. Just before you go, just between you and me, how are your hemorrhoids?

David

Well... They're terrible if you must know.

Geraldine

Aw. Really painful? Very embarrassing? Bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?

David

... Yes, well it is actually. My lavatory hasn't know what's hit it in the last few weeks.

Geraldine

Aw. Aw. Well thank you, David "Hemorrhoid" Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio call-in. Anything else you'd like to add?

David

[silence] ... [fake German accent] And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice. I bet I had you all fooled, eh? Ha ha ha!

Owen

Zombies? He's got nerve.

Jim

No, no, no, that's right. I'm not going to watch his show anymore.

Frank

Nor me.

Owen

Bloody Bremner!

David

Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?

Owen

Yes, tear it up.

David

I beg your pardon?

Owen

Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.

Jim

No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.

Geraldine

No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.

Jim

Yes, that is Wimbledon.

David

Oh, come on. We did all right last year.

Geraldine

We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!

David

Is that right?

Geraldine

Remember Denfield?

David

Well, how could one forget those poor people?

Hugo

Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?

Geraldine

And they came fifty-third.

David

Point taken.

David

Let's forget it.

Jim

Sex! Sex! Sex! That's all you get on television these days.

Geraldine

Is it?

Jim

It is on mine; I watch the Playboy channel.

David

Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.

Owen

Good idea.

Geraldine

You're the boss.

David

Excellent. Ready, Frank?

Frank

Absolutely.

David

Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?

Jim

Yes.

Hugo

Father.

David

Later, Hugo.

Hugo

I didn't say anything.

David

What do you mean?

Hugo

[his lips are not moving] Father. Father.

David

Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?

Geraldine

[dressed as an angel] Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.

Geraldine

What's worse than not selling any tickets at all?

Owen

Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.

Jim

No, no, no, no, th-that's right. Who comes on the stage, and slits all our throats, and then leaves us all in a great pool of blood!

David

Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address?

Jim

Well I've been married 43 years and the secret of a successful marriage Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.

Hugo

Well, hooray.

Jim

With as many different women as possible.

Geraldine

Oh, God.

Jim

Especially orientals cos they can go on...

Geraldine

Thank you, Jim. What about you, Frank?

Frank

Well, I've never had sex with an oriental.

Jim

We're sorry to trouble you at this time, Vicar. It's just that you know when you said that if we had a serious problem that should come and see you.

Geraldine

[uneasy] Yes

Frank

[serious] We need to see you now. Desperately.

Geraldine

[Geraldine begins to feel for them] Of course guys, of course. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Have a seat. Now tell me, what's the problem?

Jim

[shows a crossword] It's Seven Down.