Hugo Horton quotes from The Vicar of Dibley

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Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?

Yes, tear it up.

I beg your pardon?

Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.

No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.

No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.

Yes, that is Wimbledon.

Oh, come on. We did all right last year.

We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!

Is that right?

Remember Denfield?

Well, how could one forget those poor people?

Hugo

Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?

And they came fifty-third.

Point taken.

[crumples the form]

Let's forget it.

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Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.

Good idea.

You're the boss.

Excellent. Ready, Frank?

Frank

Absolutely.

Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?

Yes.

Hugo

Father.

Later, Hugo.

Hugo

I didn't say anything.

What do you mean?

Hugo

[his lips are not moving] Father. Father.

Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?

[dressed as an angel] Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.

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Well I've been married 43 years and the secret of a successful marriage Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.

Hugo

Well, hooray.

With as many different women as possible.

Oh, God.

Especially orientals cos they can go on...

Thank you, Jim. What about you, Frank?

Frank

Well, I've never had sex with an oriental.

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She's already missed one set of Sunday services and it's important she doesn't miss another.

Alice

Can I just say, um, that I thought Mr. Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.

Hugo

Yes, bravo. How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing.

As I say, it's absolutely *vital* that she doesn't miss another Sunday. I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.

Don't worry Frank, they were going to die anyway. And that fellow who stood up and said if this moron doesn't shut up soon I'm going to kill myself and then five minutes later shot himself in the head... well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time...