David Horton quotes from The Vicar of Dibley

David Horton

Our vicar has as many connections with the rich and famous as I have with the Black Panther Movement!

David

Let's move on to the Gala. Any progress there, or is the climax of our show still "Owen and his Amazing Farting Duck"?

David

[Seeing Geraldine chained to the church] You look like an extra in a low-budget remake of a film by Ken Russell.

David Horton

They don't call me Sportin' Horton for nothing!

Hugo Horton

I didn't know they called you Sportin' Horton. I thought they called you Dirty David due to your enormous collection of Victorian porno-

David Horton

Oh for goodness sake! Shut up!

Geraldine Granger

You were expecting a bloke - beard, bible, bad breath.

David Horton

Yes, that sort of thing.

Geraldine Granger

And instead you got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.

David Horton

So I see.

David Horton

Owen, this is Geraldine. She's the new vicar.

Owen Newitt

No it isn't! She's a woman!

Geraldine Granger

Oh! You noticed! [Points to breasts] These are such a giveaway, aren't they?

David Horton

[delighted] I've just been told the news; what a total and utter unmitigated cock-up! I thought the fair in '87 was embarrassing enough when those bloody kids put cannabis in the cupcakes, but this really is the queen of balls-ups! Hundreds of people waiting to see Elton John and you invite Rambling Syd Rumpo!

Mrs Cropley

I rather enjoyed the fair in '87. Such larks!

David Horton

I have spent the week investigating the prices of stained glass, and the lowest quote we have is for £11,000.

Owen Newitt

Bugger me! You could get someone killed for that!

David Horton

Sadly, you must minute Frank that Dibley can't afford a new window.

Geraldine

Stop writing, Frank! 'Can't' isn't in the Christian Vocabulary!

Owen Newitt

Yes it is! You can't commit Adultery, You can't steal...

Jim Trott

You can't even covet your neighbour's ass. Even if it is very alluring!

David Horton

What was that socialist tract you were spouting from the pulpit last week?

Geraldine

I've got a feeling it was the Sermon on the Mount.

David Horton

Jesus did not tell rich people to give all their money away.

Geraldine

I think you'll find he did actually!

David Horton

Nonsense. What did he say to the sick man? "Take up thy bed and walk." In other words "Help yourself". "On your bike."

Geraldine

Are you trying to establish a direct spiritual link between Jesus Christ and Norman Tebbit?

David Horton

You can't deny there are similarities.

Geraldine

[Loudly] There bloody are not!

Geraldine

David!

David

Vicar! What are you doing?

Geraldine

I'm the Easter Bunny!

David

You can't be! I'm the Easter Bunny. I promised Letitia Cropley I'd do it.

Geraldine

Well, so did I!

David

Mad bat must have forgotten she'd already asked me. How demeaning! After all the time I've spent on these bloody ears! (Puts his rabbit head back on.)

Geraldine

I must say, you look surprisingly cute in that.

David

Shut up.

Geraldine

What a sexy little tail! (Gives it a squeeze.)

David

Stop that! I suggest we keep very quiet about this. You do one end of the village and I'll do the other. It will remain our secret.

Geraldine

Fair enough. Are you sure you don't want to come back to my burrow afterwards for a bit of bunny funny business?

David

Quite sure.

Owen

Oh hell! Any more and we'll be able to stage a production of WATERSHIP BLOODY DOWN!!

Geraldine

I think we have a caller on line one. Hello, caller.

David

Vicar, is that you?

Geraldine

It is indeed. Is that David Horton, local councilor, chairman of the parish?

David

You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.

Geraldine

David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually live on--

David

I'm cancelling. I'm sorry. I don't want that moron Alice asking me damn fool questions.

Geraldine

David.

David

And it's no good telling me you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview. Have to cancel--talk to you later.

Geraldine

Uh, David. Just before you go, just between you and me, how are your hemorrhoids?

David

Well... They're terrible if you must know.

Geraldine

Aw. Really painful? Very embarrassing? Bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?

David

... Yes, well it is actually. My lavatory hasn't know what's hit it in the last few weeks.

Geraldine

Aw. Aw. Well thank you, David "Hemorrhoid" Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio call-in. Anything else you'd like to add?

David

[silence] ... [fake German accent] And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice. I bet I had you all fooled, eh? Ha ha ha!

Owen

Zombies? He's got nerve.

Jim

No, no, no, that's right. I'm not going to watch his show anymore.

Frank

Nor me.

Owen

Bloody Bremner!

David

Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?

Owen

Yes, tear it up.

David

I beg your pardon?

Owen

Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.

Jim

No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.

Geraldine

No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.

Jim

Yes, that is Wimbledon.

David

Oh, come on. We did all right last year.

Geraldine

We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!

David

Is that right?

Geraldine

Remember Denfield?

David

Well, how could one forget those poor people?

Hugo

Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?

Geraldine

And they came fifty-third.

David

Point taken.

David

Let's forget it.

David

Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.

Owen

Good idea.

Geraldine

You're the boss.

David

Excellent. Ready, Frank?

Frank

Absolutely.

David

Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?

Jim

Yes.

Hugo

Father.

David

Later, Hugo.

Hugo

I didn't say anything.

David

What do you mean?

Hugo

[his lips are not moving] Father. Father.

David

Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?

Geraldine

[dressed as an angel] Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.

Owen

[to David] I've got my shotgun in the van.

David

Load both barrels.