The Venture Bros. quotes

[Laughs evilly] Time to pay the piper, Venture. Or in minutes my meca-pillar silky issue will destroy the only living proof you've actually had sex. That is, unless you give me $10 million!

What?! Since when do you arch for money?

Yeah, what are you doing?

Honey, how long have we been trying to kill this schmuck, 10, 20 years?

I don’t know, since Marky Mark had a Funky Bunch!

And it never works. You wanna know how to really hurt Venture?

Not really, but as a wife I try to be supportive, so.

We strike him in the pocket book. Ha-ha.

Yeah, speaking of which, how much did those meca-pillars set us back?

I dunno, a couple of mil. Anyway, it’s $10 million Venture. Tick-tock tick-tock.

Look I don’t have that type of cash lying around.

Dean

Daddy! [Meca-pillar gags him]

All right, you can have anything in my lab. Anything you see here, take your pick. Anything except for the positronic accelerator...

I don’t want any of your old crap. This isn't "Antiques Roadshow," dick. Its your money or their lives!

Hank

Yeah, quit being such a skin-flint and pay the piper-man.

Now don’t take sides with your arch-enemy!

Hank

Shut up, you're not the dad of me.

Hank! Don’t you sass your bodyguard.

Hank

He’s not my bodyguard.

Will you accept half for just Dean? You can keep Hank.

Your father doesn’t mean that Hank.

Oh don’t I? Do you know what Mr. Smart-Mouth called me as he stormed out this morning? A "honky!"

[Chuckle] Did you really?

Hank

Yeah.

I’m transmitting you the instruction for the drop-off now, I suggest you follow them. Or your boys will follow the rainbow bridge to Valhalla. [Laughs] That is not as dark as its sounds in my head, is it?

Henchman 21, there's a taxi idling in the driveway awaiting his fare... slay him!

([upon finding Dean passed out] Dean! Noooo! [picks up the headphones] Oh, my God, it's side two of Dark Side of the Moon! He's in a Floyd hole! Fill the tub up with ice, now!

"Well hey there, slugger! Looks like you're gunning for my job!"

Hank

"Did my dad tell you to say that?"

"Uhh no."

Hank

"Then... are you psychic?"

"Hank, leave the man alone. Just because he's black doesn't mean he has the shining."

(After Aborted Dean hugs the C4 statue of Dr. Venture) Who the hell was that?"

(To the UPS Worker) "Hey! You know what 'Brown can do for me?' He can mind his own business!"

I'm only gonna say this once. I don't like you two, and if you ever - EVER - try to give me an order again, I will kill you both and feed your tiny, rotting bodies to the neighborhood dogs!...Now, what were you saying?

Er...have a nice walk?

What's the password?

I forgot... oh wait, I remember. I'm the fucking Monarch. Let me in. Now.

You're gonna have to turn your vehicle around. This is a gated community.

Yeah, I'm a pretty little flower. Like a prom date, maybe?

Enjoy the silence, are you for supper?

Turtles. Now let's go talk about little, breaded chicken fingers.

Heh, robots. Programmed to answer over 700 different questions, none of which includes chicken fingers.

Welcome to alive, Dragoon [Councilman 8]. My name is Revenge.

Your name is Phantom limb, you fucking lunatic.

That's Phantom Limb? No wonder! He's like number one on the "Guild's Most Wanted" list. (sarcastic) Great. Now he's gonna kill us.

[behind the bathroom door] I have a list of inappropriate behavior. #1: This! Don't do this!

What's #2?

Nothing! I don't have a #2. I don't even have a list. Get out of the bathroom!

Why can't I hear them?

Because you are SANE.

I'm staying in the car- We! WE are staying in the car.

We haven't been outside in over 30 years. I'm old and I'm afraid of everything!

I am worried the streets will be overrun with teenage gangs.

Teenagers are cruel and will undoubtedly laugh and mock at us, because our trousers are not in style anymore.

And we are two heads on one body, and that has never, ever been hip.

And I can kill a man by simply touching him. Now what were your special powers again?

It's in the safe, isn't it?

I'll carry the boy bag!

Two heads ARE better than one!

What does that have to do with anything?

Nothing, I've just been wanting to say that all day, I got sick of waiting for an opportunity!

I think a good way to begin is to tell Rusty a bit about yourselves and your journey to the group.

Me first? Well, I have a bit of an eating disorder...

No!

Lance, wait your turn.

As a superhero sidekick, I led a very active, athletic lifestyle. But when I turned eighteen, and I was, shall we say, "replaced with a newer model," I started putting the weight on. And then I would eat more because I was depressed. (The Doctor prompts him to continue.) And...I have abandonment issues? More?

Tell Rusty your name.

Oh, well, that's a tricky one! The latest development in my caped crusade against Captain Sunshine's lawyers is that I get to keep most of the costume, but I'm no longer allowed to call myself Wonderboy when I appear in public.

Lance...

Our turn? Lance Hale, one half of the world-famous Hale Brothers. Boy detectives. You've heard of us. Anyway, we're here because my allegedly twin brother Dale still hasn't gotten over our father's death.

I can still see his face through the steam of his pooling blood as he lay sputtering on the cold linoleum floor...

(punches Dale in the arm) Punch-buggy depressing! Nobody wants to hear that crap, Dale! Heheh, sorry. We didn't just lose our dad that night. His death remains our only unsolved case ever. We had to quit the business because the shame was just too great.

Action Johnny

Yeah, retiring at thirty on daddy's famous fortune must've been real hard on you...

For your information, Action Junkie, he bequeathed most of it to the local boy detective academy. We hardly got dick because nothing we ever did was good enough!

He did leave us that nice car...

It's totally fuckin' cherry! But that is not the point, Dale, and don't interrupt me again, or I swear to God I will fuck you up...