Brock Samson quotes from The Venture Bros.

Brock

(sighs) You know, it's not costin' ya anything.

What is she, an intern? She getting credit for this in Murder School?

Brock

I worked out a trade. You know how Russians are goofy for American jeans? Well, I snagged a planeload of them the last time we were down in Bolivia. (he opens a hatch on the X-1 and a "manaconda" slithers out, hissing)

Dean

Manaconda!

Alright, she's nimble. I'll grant you that. Can she close the deal?

Brock

Wait.

Dean

Eww. Wo-manaconda.

Brock

(sigh) When do we get to do somethin'?

Stakeouts are 80% of the job, boyo. (Brock touches his fake moustache) Don't pull at that! A convincing cover is the other 20%.

Brock

(sigh) So. No women, no children —

No women, no children. Them's rules. Separates us from the baddies.

Brock

But what if she's an enemy agent?

Uh-uh.

Brock

An assassin?

No.

Brock

A double-agent assassin who just killed the President.

No sir. Non-lethal takedown only. President's not the president anyway, you know that.

Brock

Oh. Hey, how about, you know, uh... a lady Dracula?

You mean, le vampyr? Nosferatu?

Brock

Guess.

Undead. Not technically a woman in that regard, so you got no beef there. Also, fictitious. (Brock lifts a baguette to his mouth) Do not eat that, it's C4!

Brock

Whu - What the Hell did you do to him?

(German Accent) Only whad she azked me to do!

Brock

This man was like a father to me!

Well, zink of ziss woman as, like, a mother to jou.

Your mother! [Slap] Your father! [Slap] Your mother! [Slap] Your father! [Slap] He-he's your muh-mother and your fuh-father... [Collapses into tears]

Brock

Where's Hank?

Up in his room. Our little man is grounded.

Brock

What'd he do?

Get this, I'm working in the lab, right? And Hank sleepwalks in, hauls off and smacks me in the head with a papier-mache sword, pees his pants and passes out.

Brock

So, I didn't miss much?

Pfft. What's there to miss?

Brock

What happened?

Hank

Yeah Clarissa, explain it all

Dean

That guy with the bird head, he has this mummy army, and one of the mummys has a magic scepter. Don't move Hank, he's right behind you!

Hank

What? Yep. That's just Mummy-Mum-Muggy. He's a good mummy, Dean-o. Right? Muggy friend. (scratches the mummy's chin) Muggy like his chin rubbed. Who's a good mummy?

Brock

Hank, get your brother's head and follow me. There has to be a way out of here.

Hank

Muggy might know! (continues scratching Muggy's chin) Where's the exit? Tell us boy. (Muggy's head, except for the lower jaw, falls off)

Brock

This is getting stupid! Where the hell is your father?

(formulating a rescue plan) Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear. (Caligula moans happily and hugs Hank) On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone. Ready Dean?

Dean

(with the body of a mummy, riding on the back of the bucking 'Perfect Man' and holding two shotguns.) Woah, steady, perfect man. Ready Brock!

When the gates open me, Poe, and me, (pointing to himself from the past) rush in. You got that? (Poe gives the thumbs-up)

You're going to kill him when he shows up, aren't ya?

Oh, you know it.

(raising their machetes) Charge!

Brock

What're you doing here?

Yeah, well -- you never seemed to use the boat, so... I kinda started sleepin' here. Only a couple nights a week at first. You try findin' a job with nothin' on your resume but fake ghost pirate--

Brock

Get to the point!

Yah yah! Geez. Anyhoo... I wakes up one day and there's this little fella standin' there. And he tells me it's his boat now, on account a'yer pa 'et him up when he was wee! He hired me on as the ship's captain! So really, it's kinda more my boat than yours at this point.

Brock

(sighing with disgust) This is just wrong, man, even for you. Look at her!

I have watched you pull a man's eyes from his head and make him dance like a marionette with his own optic nerves!

Brock

At least I didn't break his heart.

You don't know that.

Lab shmab, I'm finished with work for today. No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the... non-scientific kind.

Brock

What'd you find? Are you okay?

Oh, I'm more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little - shall I say - flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

Brock

Yeah, Doc, you're uh... gonna be disappointed there...

Don't ruin it for me. I have popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun! You wanna watch it with me?

Brock

Nah, I'm cool. I gotta drive the boys to dinner.

Oh, I get it! Yeah, those kind of films are meant to be watched solo a mano.

Brock

Yeah, that's it.

Dean

Any advice, you know, this being our first big date and all?

Brock

Yeah. (Throws corsage from Dean's lap out the window)

Dean

No?

Brock

No. Don't pull out her chair, kiss her hand, or anything like that — it's kind of dorky. Just be yourself. Wait, here, take this (his wallet). It's got plenty of money in there, and it doesn't have a cartoon bee on it. Don't let them pay for anything, and if you end up going to, like, a movie or something, you call me on the two-way, okay?

Hank

What about me? Any advice to help me score with my mystery date?

Brock

Yeah, don't say "score" or anything close to "mystery date" in front of her, and don't do that "do you like seafood" joke either.

Hank

Can do, 'cause she would totally know that joke already.

(about "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas") Brock, I am this close to seeing Dolly's goods. I mean, they can't sing forever. Honestly, this nonsense happens once a week. I'm not gonna... Why are you naked?

Brock

To prey on their fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill.

Alright, now you're scaring me. What's going on?

Brock

I dunno. (holding the decapitated head of a guild henchman) But judging from these goggles, it's The Guild. Seems like you made it to the big league, what'd you do?

Nothing! I was just sitting here, watching the worst porno ever. Is that a head?

Brock

We might not win this one. You get to the panic room!

Okay. Just let me finish peeing on myself...

Brock

Strange, you almost can't feel it. No, don't move. The knife is still in you, the blade right between the kidney and the spleen, just a twitch...

It feels almost...cold...

Brock

You tell me your target and I slide the knife out. You might live. Or-

Blackout. Four and a robot.

Brock

Good boy.

I think you may have got the kidney. I don't want to die alone. (cough) Don't...don't go.

Brock

I don't think I hit your kidney...

No you...no you totally did. (cough) Please... please hold me...

Brock

Look, I'm pretty sure I missed the kidney, I mean you could bleed to death in like four hours, but uh...

I-I see a tunnel. I'm scared. Could you... could you stroke my hair?

Brock

All right, look, you are not gonna-

Then could you sing to me? Could you sing a Technotronic song? Maybe... "Pump Up The Jam"?

Brock

I don't know-

What about "Move This"!? Do you know that one!?!?

Brock

(sigh, then starting to sing) Baby, let me...

(weak from blood loss) If you don't come save me, I'm going to fire you Brock.

Brock

(over the radio) You gotta try to hold on, Doc! I'll be back soon!

Brock... You're fired...

Holy crap!

Whatever it is we didn't do it!

Brock

I believe you. Stay here, don't do anything, you understand?

Yes sir, yes I understand sir.

Well on the upside, finally dropped one.

Yeah, me too.

Hello, Brock. (clears throat) I was wondering when you would show up. I had nothing to do with this. Phantom Nimrod was showing off in front of my girlfriend, I told him.

Brock

Alright, stay out of this one.

No duh. He's in the next stall. Hey, how's that dickweed boss of yours?

Brock

Don't push it!

Mmmm... nice ass, Samson.