And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
Cheers. Bye bye now. (Hangs up. To Angela) He's a nice guy.
(to Terri and Robyn) Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
Nicholson? That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking Mel Gibson's Jesus! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!
Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.
Malcolm (to Ben): I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.
Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're The Independent, we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.
Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.
Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –
The Special Boat Service or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.
Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over.
Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a very buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
What does that mean for me, then?
I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you were in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina McCall's the new Pope. Maybe, you can download rice! I want you right now to think about your future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? (walking out) Half an hour ago.
Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak fuck!
Sorry, what are you talking about?
Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
(impersonating Julius) 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' (normal voice) You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
Eat that prawn. (throws a slice of pizza at Julius) Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
Don't be stupid. Malcolm –
Eat another prawn. (throws a prawn)
(throws more food) Have some fucking chow mein!
Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese) Get that fucking cheese over there!
I don't want the cheese, stop it!
(throwing food at Julius) EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–
(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie) This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –
What the fuck are you doing, mate? (runs out of the door)
EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! (chasing after Julius) EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
Fucking hell! Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! I AM A MAN! And –
I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO TINKY WINKY?! WELL, FUCK TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! Auf Wiedersehen Pet, the party's over, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
Malcolm (receives an alert on his phone): Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.
Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat Kettle Chips? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)
I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!
You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.
You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking Ben's Glenn.
(deleted scene)
I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.
What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?
'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'
Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.
'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. (Glenn laughs.) And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'
Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?
Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?
No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.
(deleted scene)
Why tonight of all fucking nights, why tonight?
Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt can fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.
