(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)
Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss?
No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know.
Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss?
No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship.
No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss?
(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)
All right, folks, here we go.
(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)
NANews Announcer
Tonight, dramatic pictures...
(The newsroom office cheers.)
NANews Announcer
...of voter anger over the NHS.
(happily) Anything other than Number One spot is a big win.
NANews Announcer
...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.
(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?
(quite amused) Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! (to Ollie) Hey, good photo.
Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
What fantastic landscaping...
(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)
(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)
Who do you think looked worse? You or me?
Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really.
(quiet, but annoyed) Great.
(Glenn's cell phone rings.)
(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)
I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. (Glenn's cell phone rings again.) They are all over me like shingles!
(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)
Yeah, it'll probably be fine.
(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)
(in a voicemail) Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very Malc-iavellian, if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
(in a voicemail) Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you.
(deleted scene)
Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. (Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it) Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: (laughs slightly) I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, (grabs Frankie's head) and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!
