Jennifer Melfi quotes from The Sopranos

Tony Soprano

Gloom is your business and business is good.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You were shot Anthony, by a member of your family.

Tony Soprano

I know.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

And unless I know absolutely nothing about what I'm doing, I think you and I'll have a lot to talk about. Are you familiar with the term, "post-traumatic stress"?

Tony Soprano

I get it, okay? My uncle tried ta kill me...for the second time. Three strikes and I'm out right?

Tony Soprano

He's a fa-ag!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

And?

Tony Soprano

Now what am I supposed ta do?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

About what?

Tony Soprano

I know what. They're born that way, right? It's not their fault. Frankly, I think they go about in pity for themselves.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

I don't think they see it as a fault.

Tony Soprano

In your circle, I'm sure you got all kinds of uh, gays, and uh, trans-whatevers of all stripes. But not where I come from.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You personally, how do you feel about homosexuality?

Tony Soprano

I find it disgusting. Men kissin' men, holdin' hands in the street. Every fuckin' TV show now, they rub your nose in it. Although, that, the lesbian thing with the, uh, Jennifer Beals, it's not bad. She a dyke in real life? I don't give too much of a shit, what people do behind closed doors with the consentin' adults. Although, don't forget, I'm a strict Catholic. I agree with that Senator Sanitorium, says if we let this stuff go too far, pretty soon we'll be fuckin' dogs.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

I hear a lot of ambivalence.

Tony Soprano

This guy that got outed, look, the guys that look for me are askin' fer head. (pause) His head, what the fuck. You know, him and me, we're in the construction business. Now some o' these union old-timers, the contractors, they're not gonna wanna be seen with him. And I'm talkin' huge deals, major fuckin' dollars.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

A lot of your circle must have done jail time. They can't be strangers to male-male sexual contact.

Tony Soprano

Well you get a pass fer that.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Well, that's nice.

Tony Soprano

Well, what are ya gonna do? There's no women there. Y-y-you're there five, ten years. And just for the record, my, uhh, incarceration was very short term, so I never had any need for any anal-you know.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

So this fellow who's been outed, what's he saying?

Tony Soprano

You think I'm lyin' don't you? About when I was in jail.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

I've given you no indication I think you're lying.

Tony Soprano

What the fuck, I suppose somethin' inside me says God bless, a'salut'. Who gives a shit? I mean, I had a second chance. Why shouldn't he?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Part of your new outlook?

Tony Soprano

Maybe.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

I salute it then.

Tony Soprano

Tall fuckin' order, I'll tell ya that.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

How so?

Tony Soprano

Well, you can talk about every day bein' a gift and uh, stoppin' ta smell the roses, but regular life's got a way pickin' away at it. Your house. The shit you own. It drags you down. Your kids. What they want. One bad idea after another. Just tryin' ta work a cell phone menu is enough to make you scream.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Sociologists say that twenty six is in fact the new twenty one.

Tony Soprano

And the new twenty six is what? I'm forty six, so that means I'm what, thirty five?

Tony Soprano

Guys her age were always buyin' me ice cream, givin' me baseball cards. Kissin' my ass to get in good with her.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Sounds a little like jealousy.

Tony Soprano

No guy wants his sister to be the town pump.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You weren't sexually threatened?

Tony Soprano

Oh, Jesus Christ. Will you make up your fuckin' sick mind? First it's my mother, now I wanna fuck my sister?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

It's normal, not sick. That she functioned as the focus of your early sexual feelings. In fact, it was probably mutual.

Tony Soprano

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You came out of that shooting feeling each day is a gift. Well, this is a corollary to that.

Tony Soprano

A what?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You don't have to eat every dish of rigatoni. You don't have to fuck every female you meet.

Tony Soprano

You know what? This is bullshit.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

What?

Tony Soprano

I haven't been able ta tell anybody this, but I'm fuckin' relieved.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Really?

Tony Soprano

He was a tremendous drag on my emotions...on my thoughts about the future. I mean, ta begin with...every mornin' I wake up thinkin' "is today the day that one o' my best friends is gonna dime me ta the FBI." And a weak fuckin' snivelin', lyin' drug addict? That's the worst kind o' bet. The biggest blunder o' my career is now gone. And I don't have ta be confronted by that fact no more. And as a relative, a friend, someone you can count on... (Tony does a non-caring notion with his hand)

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

I see.

Tony Soprano

Let me tell you somethin', I murdered friends before, even relatives. My cousin Tony...my best friend, Puss'...but this...

Tony Soprano

And missin' sessions, unfortunately, is part o' my condition.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

What do you know about your condition? You miss appointments because you don't give a shit, about commitments, about what I do, about the body of work that's gone into building up this science. Go ahead, tell me again I sound like your wife.

Tony Soprano

Well, if the shoe fits. (Melfi stands up) We're makin' progress. It's been seven years.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Do you want some names?

Tony Soprano

O...okay, (Tony stands up) I'm...I'm...listen I'm gonna tell you somethin', and you're not gonna like it but we can say anything in here-

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Go ahead!

Tony Soprano

Alright...I'm...I'm chalkin' this all up to female menopausal situations.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You're not my gynecologist.

Tony Soprano

Well, you don't need a gynecologist to know which way the wind blows. (Melfi walks to her door and opens it) So wait a minute, you're tellin' me, after all this time, after everything we shared in here, you're cuttin' me loose just as my son got outta the hospital, for trying ta kill 'imself.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Since you are in crisis, I don't wanna waste your time.

Tony Soprano

You know, I gotta be fuckin' honest, as a doctor, I think what you're doin' is immoral.