Pig One quotes from The Raccoons

Bert

(disguised as a detective) Well, just the bunch of guys I'm looking for. The name's Warm. Luke Warm.

Oh yeah? Well whatever you're selling, we're not buying!

Bert

I'm looking for the dirt on your new house guest. Get the picture?

No and we don't have time!

Bert

Look, you stooges better start yappin', 'cos I've got some info that could land you in H2O at 212! Get it?

We don't know what you're talking about. Have you ever considered English as a first language?

I've been expecting this kind of unhanded chicanery! In fact, I've had a little quiz prepared just for the occasion. It should prove exactly who you are not!

Pigs

(in unison) All set sir!

Fasten your seatbelt 'Simon', you're in for a bumpy ride! Only my real brother can answer any of these questions! Fire away!

Um, um, what size boots did you used to wear?

Simple. Eight!

Uh, he's right sir!

He is? Well that's a stupid question! Anyone could have guessed that right. Ask him another one!

Er, okay... what colour were your old boots?

No peeking!

Green.

Right again sir.

What? A lucky guess. Give him a tough one this time.

Um, okay, um... did these boots have any buckles?

Is that all you're going to ask him? Questions about boots?! Who cares! Didn't you find anything else in that trunk? ANYTHING AT ALL?

All we got were his boots.

And here's three more! (He proceeds to kick the pigs away)

And now our question for you boss is...

When are we going to get a raise?

Never!

From all available reports, you're absolubtely right Cyril!

It's a benefit show!

Yeah? Well, I've never turned down a benefit.

Great! Follow us!

Er, who's the benefit for?

Us!

Er...Us, yeah. U-S. Unemployed stone farmers! Us!

Unemployed stone farmers? That's a good one on me.

Melissa

(To the Pigs) My, you three look dashing!

I hope we look as dashing when we're crashing!

What happened to you three?

It's a sad and a painful story.

Oh yeah. We didn't even see the cement truck! No, not at all!

And what do you think the chances are of being hit by a meteorite?

Zero. What can I do for you?

We want to place an ad. For a pilot.

A pilot? The race'll be over before the Standard comes out.

Well that's not our problem. But the boss can't say we didn't try!

Mission accomplished sir!

Amazing! With you three it's usually mission impossible!

Pigs! If anything happens to my son I'll hold you responsible!

Us? We were sleeping boss!

See? They admit it.

I might as well play golf on the Sahara Desert, the amount of time I spend in sand traps!

Sand Wedge again sir?

I'll turn you into a sandwich if you don't watch your lip Pig!

I just had a brilliant idea. I know how we can make some easy money.

Oh Lloyd... that's my favourite kind!

Mr Knox

Er, what's with the disguises boys? Does Mr Sneer disapprove of your catering business?

Oh no, the boss backs us all the way!

Yeah usually he's on our backs.

Er, besides, we're not in disguise!

No, no, it's er, it's er, protection from the sun!

The ozone layer, it's breaking down you know. And we're very sensitive to ultraviolet rays!

Mr Knox

I see...

(As the train she is riding on disappears down a tunnel) Knoxiiieeee! I looooovvvveee yooooou!

Did I miss something here?

Yes boss. The happy ending.

Knox uses astrology to foresee the future!

Well you three won't have one if you don't start talking sense.

We'll do better than that sir! We'll talk dollars and cents!

JP and Knox are inside the athletic club Boss.

I can't picture Knox doing pushups!

Oh my... they were here!

The steam bath boss! They must be in there!

(walking into steam room) Good work boys. You'll get a raise for this.

A raise!

JP? JP Gordon? Have I got something for you!

(horrified) Oh, there's a man in here!!!

Oops... so much for our raise.

How could the boss do this to us, forget the names of his own parents!?

Well, he always forgets our payday.