Bert Raccoon quotes from The Raccoons

Bert

What's it gonna be? Peanut butter pancakes or peanut butter waffles?

Pancakes, please. Oh and hold the peanut butter.

Bert

Hold the peanut butter? Sheesh! Some people have no taste!

Wow! Melissa would love... this story.

Bert

You can clip it out and save it for. She'll be back soon. I guess.

Melissa!

Bert

Wha-... what are you doing here?!

Melissa

I've got fired for my first assignment! Isn't that wonderful?

Oh. I'm sorry, Melissa.

Melissa

Well, I'm not. Something happened to make me realize I'm the one who has to make my own decisions. I knew you all meant well. But you were putting all your hopes on me for getting what I might want. And I've decided I know what I want... for now.

What's that, Melissa?

Melissa

I want... one of Bert's peanut butter sandwich specials, and a nice hot cup of tea!

Bert

(laughs) One special comin' up!

I should've listen to you, Melissa. I'm sorry. Boy, am I glad you're back!

Bert

Yeah, me too, Melissa. You're the only one who appreciates my cooking.

Melissa

Oh, Bert!

Bert

Thanks Cyril! We owe you one!

(wails) Ten million dollars!

Bert

We don't own him that much!

Okay, Bentley. I talked to your parents and they're very worried. They said it's alright for you to stay here for a while. I told them you were okay, but they'd rather hear it from you.

They'd be better off if they never heard from me again.

Melissa

That's a terrible thing to say, Bentley.

I think I'll go for a walk.

Bert

Want me to come with you, little buddy?

I'd rather be alone, Bert.

Bert

Don't worry. Bentley will come around. I know kids.

Bert

Here you are Bentley, this should keep you going for a while. Hey, I even brought some books I thought you might like.

Thanks a lot Bert, you're a real... (Looks at one of the book covers) COLLEGE MATHEMATICS?! You talked to my parents, didn't you? And they told you, didn't they? And you PROMISED!

Bert

I don't know what you're talking about Bentley!

Oh, sure! Then how do you know about the mathematics? You're just trying to make me feel guilty!

Bert

About what?! (Something dawns on Bert.) Hey...did you fail math or something?

As if you didn't know! Breaking into the school system was easy with my computer. So what if I gave myself a better mark? I wanted to be first! So I cheated, big deal! So now you know why I ran away. I'm a...a criminal...but I don't care!

We could use some help with these dishes, Bentley!

Oh lay off! I don't have to do anything I don't want to!

Bert

OK, I've had enough of this! Big tough guy huh?

Shh, He'll hear you!

Bert

Doesn't need anybody! Makes a mistake and then can't face up to it! Runs away!

Em, Bert, Remember, Understanding...

Bert

THIS HAS GOT TO BE SAID! So you want a life on the road eh Bentley? No home? No Family? No friends? You wanna be a...a fugitive, right?

That's right, a fugitive!

Bert

Never knowing if the next person you see is gonna put the finger on you and say, "There! That's the kid who cheated on his math mark!" HUH! Some life! Is that what you want?

Maybe...and maybe not...what else is there?

Bert

Well....for starters come and help us with the dishes, we'll figure out the rest later, okay?

Okay Bert.

What do you think of the Standard's new slogan? "The Standard meets the standard"!

Bert

Well, I've heard better.

I'll work on it.

Oh no! The paper! I must have slept right through!

Bert

Don't worry Ralphie boy, it's all under control. Care for a copy of the early edition?

You mean you worked all night after I was such a...

Bert

Pain?

Melissa

Tyrant?

Schaeffer

Ogre?

Yeah... I guess I was. I'm sorry gang. I wanted to win so badly I guess I let things get carried away.

Bert

(disguised as a detective) Well, just the bunch of guys I'm looking for. The name's Warm. Luke Warm.

Oh yeah? Well whatever you're selling, we're not buying!

Bert

I'm looking for the dirt on your new house guest. Get the picture?

No and we don't have time!

Bert

Look, you stooges better start yappin', 'cos I've got some info that could land you in H2O at 212! Get it?

We don't know what you're talking about. Have you ever considered English as a first language?

Bert

(about Sid Leech, who was exposed after posing as Simon Sneer) An old childhood friend of Simon's! In fact, he and Simon went to school together!

Oh, high school?

Bert

Elementary, my dear Ralph. Elementary! (laughs)

Bert

Your pop has really changed Cedric! I can remember when this sort of thing would have driven him nuts!

(Off camera) It was just a game. That's all. Just a game. AAARGH!

Bert

If there's anything you wanna talk about, just let me know, okay?

I will. Thanks, Bert.

Bert

Okay, Ralph. Uh, I'll see you later.

Bert

You were TERRIFIC! That's the best crash I ever saw!

Huh... thanks Bert... I think.

Bert

So that's Bonneville huh? Is he giving you a hard time Cedric?

Well...

Bert

Come on Cedric, I can see what's happening! And you've only got two choices.

I'll take the orange soda Bert.

Bert

No, I mean two choices in dealing with Bonneville!