Jenny McArthur quotes from The League

Jenny

I'm so sorry he sacked your son.

That wasn't a sack.

Kevin

That was a sack and a strip.

No one sacks a Cutler.

Kevin

Have you seen your offensive line? I think everybody sacks a Cutler.

Kevin

How are you doing?

Jenny

I, honestly, am in a lot of pain.

Kevin

Bam! You're welcome. I call that move the kidney shifter.

Jenny

No, things are just not good down south. It's...like Mississippi Burning.

Kevin

I never saw that movie.

Jenny

Well, it's not a comedy. Is there anything I need to know about? Has your...[indicating his package] been cleared to play?

Kevin

No, I don't have anything.

Jenny

Well, I don't have anything either, but something set fire to these crosses.

Kevin

I don't know what to tell you, sweetheart.

Jenny

How about telling the truth.

Kevin

Okay, fine, you want the truth? Okay, I have been using your toothbrush for the last three weeks 'cause I can't find mine, and I left CB at a grocery store once.

Jenny

Me too.

Kevin

But I am as clean as a mountain stream.

Jenny

I am as pure as the driven snow.

Kevin

I am spotless.

Jenny

Impeccable.

Kevin

Unsoiled!

Jenny

Unsullied!

Kevin

Unstained, and I'll piss in every glass that we own to prove it!

Jenny

This isn't a lab, Kevin; that's just ruining our glassware. Will you just get your equipmunk checked?

Kevin

Don't start equipmunk stuff.

Jenny

[as Kevin leaves] Equipmunk wrong! Equipmunk dirty! [to herself] Equipmunk make my downstairs hurty.

Jenny

Andre, did I just walk into my house and hear you yell at my kid?!

Andre

Yeah, 'cause she's being a jackass.

Jenny

Well, she's our jackass! We made her that way!

Kevin

When do we get to meet this secretive lady you're keeping from us?

Pete

Eh, whatever.

Ruxin

Have you crossed over the perv Rubicon into...underage ladies?

Pete

No, it's nothing like that. I just got involved with a... married woman.

Jenny

[appalled] Peter!

Kevin

[smiling] Man, that's... [off Jenny's look, changing tone] that's wrong. You shouldn't do that. That hurts people

Jenny

Try that again like you're not in a hostage video.

Jenny

How is married life for you, Peter?

Pete

It's incredibly frustrating right now. I can't meet her here, I can't meet her there.

Andre

Sounds like you need a super-secret plan—you know, follow her into a dress shop, wait until she goes into the dressing room, then you follow behind her and you slam the door, you look at her...

Pete

Okay, hold on a second. Andre, Andre, are you reading Danielle Steel again?

Andre

Well, I haven't stopped. You know, I like to complete an author.

Pete

She's got, like, 178 books!

Andre

What's wrong about reading a book that can make you moist? [The others groan in disgust] What, I can't say "moist"?

Kevin

No, stop it!

Andre

"Moist" is the classy "wet."

Pete

Stop! You know what? Let me explain to you the modern-day affair. It's about, she tells me she's going to the gym, I have to drive 50 minutes across town, through traffic, to get there. It's extremely complicated.

Jenny

Doesn't seem that complicated for her. I don't think you are her first, Pete—she didn't break the seal of adultery on you. You're not that special.

Pete

Um, excuse me, you don't know her. Georgia is a very nice person, she happens to be unhappy in her marriage, but she's promised me that I am the only person she's ever slept with outside of her marriage. [The others laugh hard] Oh, and why is this so funny?

Jenny

Okay, you know what, that is the female version of, "officer, I swear to God she looked 18."

Pete

[leaves in a huff] Enough, all right? I'm not just gonna sit here and listen to this just 'cause you guys are jealous that I'm having a great time.

Jenny

Oh, I'm sure she's telling you the truth.

Kevin

She's not lying to you. She's never lied to anyone except her husband, children, family, in-laws, everyone else she feels is sacred in her life.