Alice Pieszecki quotes from The L Word

Tina

It's primal. Females in the animal kingdom, they do this when they're gestating. You become a homebody. You just... retreat! Like a brooding hen.

Alice

So you guys are going to pass up a private girl party on the most famous gin-palace in the Pacific so you can go home and sit on an egg?

Alice

[Dana is signing her magazine ad for Marina] Yeah, sign it. "Dana Fairbanks. Professional lesbian". [Dana rolls her eyes] Oh, c'mon. It's going wide next week. It's gonna be in every magazine you read.

Marina

That's amazing. You won't be able to keep the girls away. Your parents must be so proud.

Alice

Dana... did you not do it?

Marina

You didn't come out to your parents yet?

Shane

Well, I think Subaru's gonna do it for you.

Dana

[about her mom] It's like I came out to a piece of wood. I mean, she didn't even mention it.

Alice

That's good. She's accepting it through denial.

Dana

She's setting me up on a blind date with her friend Mildred's son!

Alice

At least it's not shock therapy.

Alice

What am I gonna do if I'm fucking pregnant?

Dana

Get an abortion, Al.

Shane

You could give the baby to Bette and Tina. [Dana and Alice scrunch their noses at Shane] Well, we're already like a family, it'd be like the kid belongs to all of us.

Alice

So, instead of "Heather Has Two Mommies," Heather has six mommies.

Alice

There's not that, you know, bullshit of like... you know, I do you, you do me, and, you know... we check in, have we had equal time? And all that crap.

Dana

You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?

Shane

Hey, look, now that you're out big time, let's give you a mullet.

Dana

What? No.

Shane

Yes, c'mon, hockey hair, it'll be hot.

Dana

No!

Alice

I don't think she's ready to be a bull dyke, Shane.

Dana

[to Alice] Thank you.

Shane

Mkay.

Tina

[telling them how she and Bette first met] So then, that night I go home and I realize... I left the earring at her gallery even though I could have sworn that I put it back on my ear. [chuckling] Call it fate.

Alice

Or call it the oldest trick in the book.

Alice

[to Lenore] Woo hoo, congratulate me. I got my period.

Bette

So why are we congratulating you?

Alice

[searching for words] Huh?... Cause I love getting my period.

Lenore

She does. Ever since she was a kid.

Alice

Right. Yeah, no. Cause it reaffirms my womanhood. I like to celebrate it to, you know, show women everywhere it's a blessing, it's not a curse.

Jenny

So, is this a golf tournament?

Alice

Yeah, it's the Kraft-Nabisco Professional Women's Golf Tournament. Otherwise known as the Dinah Shore Weekend.

Jenny

Is she gay?

Alice

No. Dinah Shore's dead.

Alice

Alright, look. Right there. See?

Alice

That's what I call a hundred footer.

Jenny

What's that?

Tina

It means you can tell she's a lesbian from a hundred feet away.

Alice

Is it her hair? Is it her jog bra? Is it her mandles? I don't know!

Tina

Great.

Alice

I can tell she's a lesbo from across a football field.

Dana

[about her arrest] Oh, god, I'm gonna die if my parents find out about this!

Alice

Well, look at the upside: now, being a dyke won't be a big deal.

Alice

Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy.

Shane

I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.

Alice

Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.

Shane

Huh. [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...

[to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.

Dana

You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!

Shane

Her hair.

Dana

Ah.

Shane

Oh, shit.

Alice

Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do something... uh... pretend I'm upset.

Shane

What? What?

Alice

Put your arm around me! Um... I'll just start sobbing, and...

Alice

Obviously it'll be a really intimate moment. I mean... no halfway, sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.

Guys! You guys!

This place is falling apart! Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?

Alice

[as she approaches Shane across the dance floor] Sorry... excuse me... Shane! Ah! 'kay, I have to tell you something I'm really not s'posed to tell you.

Shane

Fight the urge.

Alice

But I... But I can't!

Shane

Try.

Alice

But it's hard!

Shane

I know, but try!

Dana

Don't laugh, OK?

Alice

[pause] Fuck... Who's laughing?