Alice Pieszecki quotes from The L Word

Alice

[to a little kid at Angelica's birthday party] Hi there, who are you?

I'm Roland. Are you the clown?

Alice

I'm the birthday girl, Roland. [Alice looks around and spots all the toddlers at the party. It's clearly not her party] And yes, yes I'm the clown.

[running off] Mommy, mommy, the clown's here!

Alice

What do you teach?

I'm a vampirologist. I teach a course on the queer vampire in literature and film. And a seminar called demon desire, about the vampire as a lesbian predator.

Alice

Okay, I'm a total vampire lesbian freak!

What attracts you to the lesbian vampire, Alice?

Alice

I don't know, Uta. Maybe it's just... I like the dark side.

What about tomorrow?

Alice

What? Lunch?

For dinner. I'm not much of a daytime person.

Alice

What? Because vampires don't go out during the day?

No. We lay in bed... with the curtains drawn.

Alice

[slightly afraid] Okay... uh... tomorrow night.

Alice

I think Uta might be a vampire

Helena

What?

Alice

Well have you seen her teeth? They're...

Helena

[cuts Alice off] What?

Alice

They're sharp. They're... [shows Helena her neck]

Helena

That's a hickey.

Alice

I don't know. [pauses] I don't know.

Helena

Well. [pulls out a mirror] You know what they say about vampires. No reflection.

Alice

Oh!

Helena

Try.

Alice

Okay. [to Uta, who just walked over] Hey.

Helena

Okay.

Alice

I think I got some thing in my teeth. I'll just... [turns so the mirror faces Uta]

Alice

[looking for Uta in the mirror] Holy fucking shit. [turns around]

[standing again] What? Oh, I just dropped my ring. Why don't we get out of here?

Alice

[has a scared/distrusting look on her face] Okay.

Alice

Where's Carmen?

Shane

Ugh, I'm in the shithouse.

Alice

Why?

Shane

Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a fucking tattoo.

Alice

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. I had a girl who dreamt that I fucked David Schwimmer. [Shane stares at her] Well, Friends was on a lot.

Dana

Actually, when we were going out, I had a dream you were a midget.

Dana

But I wasn't mad at you or anything.

[signing Alice's book] There you go, Alice.

Alice

Why thank you, Doctor Love.

I would advise anybody in your condition to have chemotherapy, but I'm really glad you're doing all the complementary therapies as well, because that's really gonna make you feel better.

Dana

Just... At this point, I wanna know what I can do to help you.

Alice

Yeah. I mean, you're working on a cure right? That's what I read.

Helena

Alice, you saw that.

Alice

She's kinda cute, right? Her name's Chandra.

Tina

Why don't you guys go out?

How unfortunate it is that she died before finding herself a husband and...

Alice

What the hell are you talking about? Dana was GAY!

Helena

Do you have to sleep with someone first?

Alice

Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie...

Helena

[to Jenny] You slept with Tina?

Jenny

Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina.

Alice

No, no, hypothetically.

Alice

[reading a message from Papi on her computer] "Tonight, ten p.m. I'll be there. Will you?" Oh yeah, sure you will, Papi.

Tina

You call your computer "Papi"?

Alice

Oh, no, it's this girl on Our Chart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been? Oh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of Heteroville, that's right.

Shane

Helena hates me, doesn't she?

Alice

No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?

Shane

Really?

Alice

Yeah.

Shane

Well, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?

Alice

You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?

Shane

What?

Alice

Well, Papi, you have become sort of a legend in about uh... two days on my website. You crashed my whole server.

Papi

What can I say, I've been blessed. Seems the ladies like me as much as I like them.

Alice

We're talking about a helluva lot of ladies.

Papi

Like I said: I've been blessed... a lot.

Papi

[whispers in Alice's ear] You make me bad...

Alice

[moans] Oh wow... [gasps] What are you doing?

Papi

[whispers] Circles!

Alice

Ohh...!

Papi

Magic circles!

Alice

[moans] Circles!

Papi

Circles are good right?

Alice

[moans] Oh yeah, circles are good!

Papi

Aha!

Alice

Yeah circles. [gasps] Oh wow circles. [moans]

Papi

You like that?

Alice

Oh yeah I really think I like circles! [moans louder] Oh wow, yeah circles, circles are great Papi! [moans even louder] Circles are great Papi! [gasps loudly between breaths] Oh Papi, oh Papi, oh my god Papi, Papi, Papi!

Tina

Speaking of freakish, look at Jenny's new assistant.

Alice

Well, you kind of have to admire her a little bit.

Tina

It's gross! There's something wrong with that girl!

Alice

Why is my life supposed to stop because you want to live in a fucking closet? I did not sign up for that bullshit. You did. I am allowed to say what I want, and do what I want, and fucking out who I want... and love who I want because I live in the goddamn U.S. of fucking A.

And I'm the one out there fighting for your right to be ignorant.

Shane

[sitting on counter] Hey you want one?

Oh no I'm good thanks.

Shane

Hey listen they're not gay I promise.

Alice

Oh my God! What if they were gay? What if the brownies were gay?

Shane

[laughing] They're all fucking each other.

Alice

[in brownie voice] You're hot.