Tina Kennard quotes from The L Word

All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.

Bette

[laughs] She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here?

Tina

I think it would help.

Dana

I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?

Tina

It has to do with her attitude.

Dana

I've got attitude!

Marina

It's because she's so withholding.

Tina

No, it's because she's so confident.

Dana

No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.

Alice

[firmly] Dana, she's your friend.

Tina

It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.

Dana

What do you mean it's because of her nipples?

Tina

She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.

Alice

Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!

Tina

Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.

Alice

I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

Bette

[trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana

Well, she sends me food.

Bette

Hmm.

Dana

She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

Tina

These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?

Dana

No, she just sends them.

Bette

But she hasn't spoken to you.

Dana

No.

Shane

[about Lara] Ask her out.

Bette

No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana

Exactly.

Alice

Please don't encourage her.

Bette

It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice

You mean?

Bette

I mean.

Dana

What?

Bette

We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Alice

[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.

Bette

Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.

Shane

Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.

Alice

Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.

Tina

Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.

Alice

Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.

Bette

You know what we have to do.

Tina

[about Gabby] What are you gonna do?

Alice

Well, I was gonna ask her--

Bette

No asking.

Tina

What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."

Bette

"It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."

Tina

"And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."

Bette

"So step off, bitch!"

Alice

[Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test] How do you not pee on your hand?

Tina

You just aim below the clit.

Alice

Oh, really?

Tina

Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?

Alice

I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.

Kit

[about Tina's pregnancy] You're gonna have to be so good. You can't have any more fun, uh-uh!

Tina

I know. No red meat, no additives, no Margaritas, wine, beer... and no Xanax! No matter how stressed-out I get.

Alice

No more smack, no more crack, and no more blow.

Tina

Are you sure you want to go back to men?

Alice

I'm positive. I've had enough drama and mind-fucks, and women are fucking crazy.

Tina

Yeah, men are boring.

Alice

Yeah, well bring it on, because I could use a little nice, uncomplicated, boring, boy-girl sex masquerading as love. It's fine with me.

Dana

So what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual?

Alice

[throws a peanut at Dana] I am bisexual.

Lara

Okay, I'm confused.

Dana

Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian identified... male.

Lara

So what is that, is that like a transsexual?

Alice

Don't.

Dana

I wonder how he pees. Sitting down do you think? Shane?

Shane

I never peed with him.

Tina

I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or as a man?

Dana

Maybe you should call yourself a transsexual.

Dana

We've seen this happen to other couples that we've known. Janet and Sue for instance. Claudia and Tammy. Oh god, especially Mimi and Ivy. Wow. It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy. And we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and let you get so... so...

Tina

What?

Shane

Boring.

Alice

Boring

Dana

Boring. Guys.

Boring?

Alice

I know this is painful. Denial is very common, it's okay. That's why we've actually made this list of incidents and this multiple choice self assessment test, which we'll go through with you, and then the two of you can fill it out together and tally the results.

Bette

It has results?

Tina

Results you can... tally?

Bette

Jesus.

What were you doing last night around 9:15?

Alice

I don't know. Um... I think brushing my teeth.

Did you feel anything? Because I was sending you Reiki.

Alice

Oh, my god. Did you say 9:15?

Tina

[whispers to Bette] Reiki, isn't that boring?

Bette

[whispers back] Really boring. Write it down.

Tina

It's primal. Females in the animal kingdom, they do this when they're gestating. You become a homebody. You just... retreat! Like a brooding hen.

Alice

So you guys are going to pass up a private girl party on the most famous gin-palace in the Pacific so you can go home and sit on an egg?

Tina

[telling them how she and Bette first met] So then, that night I go home and I realize... I left the earring at her gallery even though I could have sworn that I put it back on my ear. [chuckling] Call it fate.

Alice

Or call it the oldest trick in the book.

Alice

Alright, look. Right there. See?

Alice

That's what I call a hundred footer.

Jenny

What's that?

Tina

It means you can tell she's a lesbian from a hundred feet away.

Alice

Is it her hair? Is it her jog bra? Is it her mandles? I don't know!

Tina

Great.

Alice

I can tell she's a lesbo from across a football field.

Bette

Tina... I didn't try to see you or call you until now because I wanted to make sure that I could do what you asked of me. I promise, I'm never going to see Candace again. I'm never going to speak to her again. I'm never ever going to think about her again. I miss you. More than that, I made you. And, I don't think I could live without you. It is completely and totally over.

Tina

When did you end it?

Bette

This morning. I told her that you were the love of my life and that I didn't know what I was doing and that I must have gone temporarily insane.

Tina

Did you tell her in person, or on the phone?

Bette

Why does that matter?

Tina

Because I drove by the house at 2:00 AM, and your car wasn't there. Did you fuck ALL night before you told her that I was the love of your life this morning?