Bette Porter quotes from The L Word

Bette

[holding a specimen cup of sperm] God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.

Bette

[leaving a message] Fuck, Tina, I know you're real busy saving the world and everything, but I need you to start answering your phone.

Bette

Dana... Tanya. I lift my glass to caring, kindness, and trust, and longevity, and respect. To all the things that you will need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness. And I hope you forever spare each other pain. [long pause, smiling, holding back tears] And if you find that isn't possible, then I wish you forgiveness. [drinks, then walks out without looking at Tina]

Bette

[speaking rapidly with a lowered voice] Girls, girls, okay, here's the deal: Phyllis Kroll, Executive Vice Chancellor of California University, very accomplished, very dignified, very much my boss, I repeat, very much my boss. She's been married twenty five years and is now at this relatively late date convinced she's a lesbian and is peeking out of the closet as we speak, so please, please, please be nice to her and try to talk to her and try not to make her feel like she's the oldest fucking lesbian on the planet. [gets up] Phyllis! Hi, it's good to see you.

Bette

Who you callin' Brown Barbie, you fuckin' Carmalita Tropicana!

Bette Porter

[Talking to Jodi, but facing away so Jodi cannot read her lips] I'm in love with Tina...

All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.

Bette

[laughs] She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here?

Tina

I think it would help.

Shane

It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.

Dana

What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Shane

Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.

Alice

Oh, my God, it's Yoda.

Dana

Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.

Bette

Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

Alice

[seeing Tim] Do you guys think he knows?

Bette

Knows what?

Alice

[about Jenny] That his girlfriend is making the team with Marina.

Alice

I don't know, you guys, you're really cutting edge, now. Lesbian moms. Biracial child.

Bette

We are pretty in, Alice.

Alice

Well, you're going to have no trouble getting that kid into the Center for Early Education. It's gonna be, like, diversity poster child.

Bette

[trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana

Well, she sends me food.

Bette

Hmm.

Dana

She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

Tina

These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?

Dana

No, she just sends them.

Bette

But she hasn't spoken to you.

Dana

No.

Shane

[about Lara] Ask her out.

Bette

No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana

Exactly.

Alice

Please don't encourage her.

Bette

It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice

You mean?

Bette

I mean.

Dana

What?

Bette

We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Alice

[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.

Bette

Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.

Shane

Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.

Alice

Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.

Tina

Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.

Alice

Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.

Bette

You know what we have to do.

I was a lesbian once. In 1974.

Bette

Just 1974?

Just 1974. That was all I needed.

Bette

Well, you know, that's what we refer to as a "has-bian".

Tina

[about Gabby] What are you gonna do?

Alice

Well, I was gonna ask her--

Bette

No asking.

Tina

What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."

Bette

"It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."

Tina

"And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."

Bette

"So step off, bitch!"

Dana

We've seen this happen to other couples that we've known. Janet and Sue for instance. Claudia and Tammy. Oh god, especially Mimi and Ivy. Wow. It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy. And we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and let you get so... so...

Tina

What?

Shane

Boring.

Alice

Boring

Dana

Boring. Guys.

Boring?

Alice

I know this is painful. Denial is very common, it's okay. That's why we've actually made this list of incidents and this multiple choice self assessment test, which we'll go through with you, and then the two of you can fill it out together and tally the results.

Bette

It has results?

Tina

Results you can... tally?

Bette

Jesus.