Helena quotes from The L Word

Helena

[condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?

Alice

I think Uta might be a vampire

Helena

What?

Alice

Well have you seen her teeth? They're...

Helena

[cuts Alice off] What?

Alice

They're sharp. They're... [shows Helena her neck]

Helena

That's a hickey.

Alice

I don't know. [pauses] I don't know.

Helena

Well. [pulls out a mirror] You know what they say about vampires. No reflection.

Alice

Oh!

Helena

Try.

Alice

Okay. [to Uta, who just walked over] Hey.

Helena

Okay.

Alice

I think I got some thing in my teeth. I'll just... [turns so the mirror faces Uta]

Alice

[looking for Uta in the mirror] Holy fucking shit. [turns around]

[standing again] What? Oh, I just dropped my ring. Why don't we get out of here?

Alice

[has a scared/distrusting look on her face] Okay.

Helena

Alice, you saw that.

Alice

She's kinda cute, right? Her name's Chandra.

Tina

Why don't you guys go out?

Helena

Do you have to sleep with someone first?

Alice

Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie...

Helena

[to Jenny] You slept with Tina?

Jenny

Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina.

Alice

No, no, hypothetically.

Jenny

Why are you applying for a job as a receptionist?

Helena

I would pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects, otherwise I'm gonna be stuck here with Alice in this sweet little one bedroom.

Kit

We all been there, one way or another. Once I gave a blow job to a horn player. [Everybody gives Kit a funny look] So I could get a line of cocaine!

Helena

And afterwards? How did you feel?

Kit

High. I was a high 'ho.

[They start to have sex in the prison cell, though Helena looks still a little frightened by Dusty] I haven't killed anyone!

Helena

You didn't?

It was tax fraud!

Helena

I don't give a fuck whose idea it was to sue me! Yours or Danny's! The point is, you took part in it! You manipulated my emotions! You used me! You humiliated me, and you must be fucking insane to think you can just prance in here and act as if nothing ever happened, telling me that you're happy, telling me that you're out of the closet, telling me that you're oh, so sorry for destroying my fucking life! Fuck you!

Thank you! Now I know you care.

Alice

Okay, so basically, that skankball Dylan Moreland almost ruined Helena's life. First, she pretended to be in love with her so she and her boyfriend, Danny, could sue Helena for sexual harassment and extort millions of dollars from her. Can you believe it? So... her mother gets so mad that she cuts Helena off, and she has to move in with me and become a cook.

Helena

I was a caterer.

Alice

Which was a disaster, and let's face it, Helena is used to a certain standard of living. She was born rich, with a gold spoon in her mouth. So, she meets this shady high-roller lady, named Catherine. They hook up, but she uses Helena and takes all her money, and when Helena takes it back, and we still don't know where she buried it, she gets arrested for embezzlement, thrown into prison, and has to share a cell with some killer!

Helena

Her name was Dusty, and she was in for tax fraud.

Alice

Fine! So, Helena's mother can't take it anymore. She bails Helena out of prison, but she doesn't want to live under her mother's thumb anymore, so she springs Dusty from jail, they go abroad to Taha, which she doesn't ever want to talk about since Dusty still hides out over there. So, it couldn't have been great, right?

Helena

Right.

Alice

Anyway, her mother gets stung by some jellyfish while scuba diving, and grants Helena's wealth back again. All of this because of this woman.

[to Helena] You want me to kick her ass?

Helena

No. Thank you.

You're a better person than me. I would beat a bitch down if she ever did something like that to me.