Dana Fairbanks quotes from The L Word

Dana

[to Alice, watching Shane and Slim interact] It's like some weird carnival mirror or something.

Dana

[about Lisa, if Alice is pregnant] Wow. Well, he'd be the first lesbo in history ever to pull that one off.

Dana

[to Alice about using a strap-on] Is it a bisexual thing? You tryin' to have your cake and eat your pussy too?

Dana

When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.

Alice

Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.

Dana

[to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

Shane

It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.

Dana

What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Shane

Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.

Alice

Oh, my God, it's Yoda.

Dana

Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.

Bette

Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

Dana

I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?

Tina

It has to do with her attitude.

Dana

I've got attitude!

Marina

It's because she's so withholding.

Tina

No, it's because she's so confident.

Dana

No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.

Alice

[firmly] Dana, she's your friend.

Tina

It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.

Dana

What do you mean it's because of her nipples?

Tina

She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.

Alice

Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!

Tina

Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.

Alice

I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

Bette

[trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana

Well, she sends me food.

Bette

Hmm.

Dana

She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

Tina

These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?

Dana

No, she just sends them.

Bette

But she hasn't spoken to you.

Dana

No.

Shane

[about Lara] Ask her out.

Bette

No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana

Exactly.

Alice

Please don't encourage her.

Bette

It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice

You mean?

Bette

I mean.

Dana

What?

Bette

We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Dana

[after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.

Alice

Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.

Shane

True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.

Dana

How can you tell?

Alice

You read the signals.

Dana

That's my problem.

Shane

Dana, it's not a problem. Alright?

Shane

Sexuality is fluid. Whether you're gay, or you're straight or you're bisexual -- you just go with the flow.

Dana

No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.

Alice

You don't have gaydar.

Dana

No.

Alice

You're so right, you don't have it!

Shane

Everyone's got it. You just have to tune it in.

Dana

Hey...

Lara

[looks up] Hey! [Lara cuts her thumb] Ow!

Dana

Oh, my god! Oh - oh, my god, I'm sorry, I --

Lara

It's okay.

Dana

[panicked] Ah, Jesus, you're disfigured!

Lara

[smiling, calm] I'm not disfigured.

Dana

But I could've killed you! When you were (makes chopping motions)... you know...

Lara

It happens all the time.

Dana

Well, should we call a doctor?

Lara

[giggles] Dana! [she holds up her hand, counting off fingers] Second-degree burn from the Béchamel sauce. Run-away shish-kabob. An attack from a particularly hostile live lobster, and, um, electric can-opener.

Dana

Is there anything I can do?

Lara

You could kiss it and make it better.

Dana

My friends said that they thought that you would think I was a geek if, you know, if I wore a dress.

Lara

So, I am a geek.

Dana

No, I'm a geek. For letting my friends tell me what to wear.

Alice

Something happen with you and Lara?

Dana

No. I'm just never having sex again, that's all.

Shane

Easy, Dana, come on.

Dana

I've never been more humiliated or embarrassed or ashamed of anything in my entire life.

Alice

What, did she tie you up and leave you?

Dana

[apologizing to Lara] Can I please try again? I really want to try again. Can I?

Lara

One thing.

Dana

[holding back tears] Anything.

Lara

You have to start at least taking some steps towards being out.

Dana

I will.

Lara

Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.

Dana

I know.

Lara

And you are really, really gay.

Dana

[almost laughing] I know.

Lara

And it's one of the things I like so much about you. If you hide that, you're hiding the best part.

Dana

So what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual?

Alice

[throws a peanut at Dana] I am bisexual.

Lara

Okay, I'm confused.

Dana

Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian identified... male.

Lara

So what is that, is that like a transsexual?

Alice

Don't.

Dana

I wonder how he pees. Sitting down do you think? Shane?

Shane

I never peed with him.

Tina

I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or as a man?

Dana

Maybe you should call yourself a transsexual.

Dana

We've seen this happen to other couples that we've known. Janet and Sue for instance. Claudia and Tammy. Oh god, especially Mimi and Ivy. Wow. It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy. And we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and let you get so... so...

Tina

What?

Shane

Boring.

Alice

Boring

Dana

Boring. Guys.

Boring?

Alice

I know this is painful. Denial is very common, it's okay. That's why we've actually made this list of incidents and this multiple choice self assessment test, which we'll go through with you, and then the two of you can fill it out together and tally the results.

Bette

It has results?

Tina

Results you can... tally?

Bette

Jesus.

Lara

So you still haven't told me. What do you think counts as sex?

Dana

I don't know. Having an orgasm.

Lara

Well, if that was the case, that would mean thousands of women who are married with children have never had sex.