Alice Pieszecki quotes from The L Word

Alice

I don't know, you guys, you're really cutting edge, now. Lesbian moms. Biracial child.

Bette

We are pretty in, Alice.

Alice

Well, you're going to have no trouble getting that kid into the Center for Early Education. It's gonna be, like, diversity poster child.

Bette

[trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana

Well, she sends me food.

Bette

Hmm.

Dana

She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

Tina

These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?

Dana

No, she just sends them.

Bette

But she hasn't spoken to you.

Dana

No.

Shane

[about Lara] Ask her out.

Bette

No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana

Exactly.

Alice

Please don't encourage her.

Bette

It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice

You mean?

Bette

I mean.

Dana

What?

Bette

We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Alice

[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.

Bette

Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.

Shane

Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.

Alice

Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.

Tina

Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.

Alice

Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.

Bette

You know what we have to do.

Dana

[after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.

Alice

Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.

Shane

True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.

Dana

How can you tell?

Alice

You read the signals.

Dana

That's my problem.

Shane

Dana, it's not a problem. Alright?

Shane

Sexuality is fluid. Whether you're gay, or you're straight or you're bisexual -- you just go with the flow.

Dana

No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.

Alice

You don't have gaydar.

Dana

No.

Alice

You're so right, you don't have it!

Shane

Everyone's got it. You just have to tune it in.

Tina

[about Gabby] What are you gonna do?

Alice

Well, I was gonna ask her--

Bette

No asking.

Tina

What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."

Bette

"It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."

Tina

"And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."

Bette

"So step off, bitch!"

Alice

We wouldn't have been late if you hadn't spent 15 minutes in the bathroom.

Lenore

Do I look okay? Huh?

Alice

[nodding] You look good, you look great. You do. You really do.

Lenore

You could take a little more time with your face, you know. You might have a girlfriend by now.

Alice

[Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test] How do you not pee on your hand?

Tina

You just aim below the clit.

Alice

Oh, really?

Tina

Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?

Alice

I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.

Kit

[about Tina's pregnancy] You're gonna have to be so good. You can't have any more fun, uh-uh!

Tina

I know. No red meat, no additives, no Margaritas, wine, beer... and no Xanax! No matter how stressed-out I get.

Alice

No more smack, no more crack, and no more blow.

Tina

Are you sure you want to go back to men?

Alice

I'm positive. I've had enough drama and mind-fucks, and women are fucking crazy.

Tina

Yeah, men are boring.

Alice

Yeah, well bring it on, because I could use a little nice, uncomplicated, boring, boy-girl sex masquerading as love. It's fine with me.

Alice

Something happen with you and Lara?

Dana

No. I'm just never having sex again, that's all.

Shane

Easy, Dana, come on.

Dana

I've never been more humiliated or embarrassed or ashamed of anything in my entire life.

Alice

What, did she tie you up and leave you?

Alice

[after she finds out that her mother slept with Shane] You know what this means? This means I can never be gay again! Never! I cannot be gay!

Shane

Al, [chuckles] C'mon, it's no big deal. Your mom is really sexy for an older woman.

Alice

[grunts in disgust]

Shane

She is! And you know what, she's got really... [gesturing to her breasts] she's really...

Alice

Oh... [singing] My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R, my bologna has a second name--

Shane

Al, shut up, okay? I should be singing. Your mom got funky with me, alright?

Alice

She came on to you?

Shane

Shit, she's wild, Al.

Alice

Oh, okay, please with the details! God! Why's my mom such a slutty, slutty, chicken-chasing pervert?

Dana

So what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual?

Alice

[throws a peanut at Dana] I am bisexual.

Lara

Okay, I'm confused.

Dana

Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian identified... male.

Lara

So what is that, is that like a transsexual?

Alice

Don't.

Dana

I wonder how he pees. Sitting down do you think? Shane?

Shane

I never peed with him.

Tina

I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or as a man?

Dana

Maybe you should call yourself a transsexual.

Shane

Hey, guys. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

Alice

Ugh, do you have to make that joke every time we play this game?

Shane

Yes, I do.

Dana

We've seen this happen to other couples that we've known. Janet and Sue for instance. Claudia and Tammy. Oh god, especially Mimi and Ivy. Wow. It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy. And we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and let you get so... so...

Tina

What?

Shane

Boring.

Alice

Boring

Dana

Boring. Guys.

Boring?

Alice

I know this is painful. Denial is very common, it's okay. That's why we've actually made this list of incidents and this multiple choice self assessment test, which we'll go through with you, and then the two of you can fill it out together and tally the results.

Bette

It has results?

Tina

Results you can... tally?

Bette

Jesus.

What were you doing last night around 9:15?

Alice

I don't know. Um... I think brushing my teeth.

Did you feel anything? Because I was sending you Reiki.

Alice

Oh, my god. Did you say 9:15?

Tina

[whispers to Bette] Reiki, isn't that boring?

Bette

[whispers back] Really boring. Write it down.