Shane McCutcheon quotes from The L Word

Shane

[to Cherie] You know... my entire life, people have said that... I would become a psychopath if I didn't learn how to feel. But I wanna know, Cherie, what the fuck is so great about feeling? Because I finally let myself. And I feel like my heart's been completely ripped out.

Shane

[to Mark, with urge to pee, but having seen that Jenny and Carmen are having sex in the bathroom] Use the bushes.

Shane

That's the cycle of life. We start out eating baby food and wearing a diaper and we go out that way.

Shane

It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.

Dana

What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Shane

Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.

Alice

Oh, my God, it's Yoda.

Dana

Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.

Bette

Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

Bette

[trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana

Well, she sends me food.

Bette

Hmm.

Dana

She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

Tina

These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?

Dana

No, she just sends them.

Bette

But she hasn't spoken to you.

Dana

No.

Shane

[about Lara] Ask her out.

Bette

No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana

Exactly.

Alice

Please don't encourage her.

Bette

It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice

You mean?

Bette

I mean.

Dana

What?

Bette

We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Alice

[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.

Bette

Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.

Shane

Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.

Alice

Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.

Tina

Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.

Alice

Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.

Bette

You know what we have to do.

Dana

[after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.

Alice

Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.

Shane

True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.

Dana

How can you tell?

Alice

You read the signals.

Dana

That's my problem.

Shane

Dana, it's not a problem. Alright?

Shane

Sexuality is fluid. Whether you're gay, or you're straight or you're bisexual -- you just go with the flow.

Dana

No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.

Alice

You don't have gaydar.

Dana

No.

Alice

You're so right, you don't have it!

Shane

Everyone's got it. You just have to tune it in.

Alice

Something happen with you and Lara?

Dana

No. I'm just never having sex again, that's all.

Shane

Easy, Dana, come on.

Dana

I've never been more humiliated or embarrassed or ashamed of anything in my entire life.

Alice

What, did she tie you up and leave you?

Alice

[after she finds out that her mother slept with Shane] You know what this means? This means I can never be gay again! Never! I cannot be gay!

Shane

Al, [chuckles] C'mon, it's no big deal. Your mom is really sexy for an older woman.

Alice

[grunts in disgust]

Shane

She is! And you know what, she's got really... [gesturing to her breasts] she's really...

Alice

Oh... [singing] My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R, my bologna has a second name--

Shane

Al, shut up, okay? I should be singing. Your mom got funky with me, alright?

Alice

She came on to you?

Shane

Shit, she's wild, Al.

Alice

Oh, okay, please with the details! God! Why's my mom such a slutty, slutty, chicken-chasing pervert?

Dana

So what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual?

Alice

[throws a peanut at Dana] I am bisexual.

Lara

Okay, I'm confused.

Dana

Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian identified... male.

Lara

So what is that, is that like a transsexual?

Alice

Don't.

Dana

I wonder how he pees. Sitting down do you think? Shane?

Shane

I never peed with him.

Tina

I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or as a man?

Dana

Maybe you should call yourself a transsexual.

Shane

Hey, guys. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

Alice

Ugh, do you have to make that joke every time we play this game?

Shane

Yes, I do.

Dana

We've seen this happen to other couples that we've known. Janet and Sue for instance. Claudia and Tammy. Oh god, especially Mimi and Ivy. Wow. It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy. And we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and let you get so... so...

Tina

What?

Shane

Boring.

Alice

Boring

Dana

Boring. Guys.

Boring?

Alice

I know this is painful. Denial is very common, it's okay. That's why we've actually made this list of incidents and this multiple choice self assessment test, which we'll go through with you, and then the two of you can fill it out together and tally the results.

Bette

It has results?

Tina

Results you can... tally?

Bette

Jesus.

Alice

[Dana is signing her magazine ad for Marina] Yeah, sign it. "Dana Fairbanks. Professional lesbian". [Dana rolls her eyes] Oh, c'mon. It's going wide next week. It's gonna be in every magazine you read.

Marina

That's amazing. You won't be able to keep the girls away. Your parents must be so proud.

Alice

Dana... did you not do it?

Marina

You didn't come out to your parents yet?

Shane

Well, I think Subaru's gonna do it for you.

Alice

What am I gonna do if I'm fucking pregnant?

Dana

Get an abortion, Al.

Shane

You could give the baby to Bette and Tina. [Dana and Alice scrunch their noses at Shane] Well, we're already like a family, it'd be like the kid belongs to all of us.

Alice

So, instead of "Heather Has Two Mommies," Heather has six mommies.

Shane

Hey, look, now that you're out big time, let's give you a mullet.

Dana

What? No.

Shane

Yes, c'mon, hockey hair, it'll be hot.

Dana

No!

Alice

I don't think she's ready to be a bull dyke, Shane.

Dana

[to Alice] Thank you.

Shane

Mkay.