[While everyone argues, Eleanor closes her eyes and takes a deep breath as she tries to think. Suddenly, her eyes snap open.]
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
ChidiWhat?
Oh, man. [She starts laughing.] Wow! Okay, okay… Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out.
[Eleanor's bedroom door opens. Michael and Shawn come outside.]
Right as rain, Mikey my boy. So, Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.
Chidi
What?!
[to Chidi] Trust me, I've got this. [to Michael and Shawn] That's our decision. Let's hit it.
Well, what about Real Eleanor?
No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.
Point of order. I don't accept this offer. The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.
Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us. It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.
[Bambajan suddenly bursts through the door, book in hand]
BBambajan
Michael! I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just save everyone.
Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.
BBambajan
…oh. Okay. [he leaves]
[to Michael] Ready when you are, boss.
Chidi
Eleanor, what's going on?
[turns back to face Tahani, Jason, and Chidi] It took me a while to figure it out. But just now, as we were all fighting, and yelling at each other, and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me: they're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. They can't, because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.
[She turns back to Michael and Shawn as everyone stares in disbelief. Michael stares Eleanor down for a moment, before his face splits into a wicked smile and he lets out an evil laugh.]
Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out.
Hey, what if I, an already amazing person who definitely belongs here, wanted to learn even more about how to be a good person? Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher or a life coach or an Instagram fitness model or something?
Eleanor, I'd like you to meet Chidi Anagonye. Chidi, this is Eleanor.
Janet tells me you were a professor of some kind.
Chidi
Yes, I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy focusing on deontology.
Hang on one second, Cheebee. [To Janet] This guy's too big of a nerd. Who else you got?
Chidi
I think this is pointless. We're trapped in a warped version of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.
Oh, cool, more philosophy. That'll help us.
Chidi
Well, don't you see the problem? We are experiencing karma, but we can't learn from our mistakes, because our memories keep getting erased. It's an epistemological nightmare.
Ugh, even your nightmares are boring.
Chidi
You, you are so mean, Eleanor. You're just like those childhood bullies who said I would never get tenure.
Chidi
Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him to think about what we used to think about: that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.
That's what you used to think about? I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.
Chidi
You mean a skirt?
No. You're not getting it. And my thing is different, so shut up.
Chidi
No, no. This is good. He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe. Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics.
Chidi
Then, he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever, and we're all doomed.
Have you met my secretary, Jeanette? She's a lot like Janet, but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.
Chidi
Hi, Jeanette.
Oh, no, it's still me Janet. Michael just asked that I change my appearance, and also say things like, "You're so funny," and "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?"
Chidi
Michael, you've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?
Well, obviously the dilemma is clear. How do you kill all six people? So I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys.
Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?
Chidi
Yep. Ten more buddy.
[Michael goes up to the chalk board and starts writing]
People good. People good. Why is that so hard to remember? People- What is it?
Chidi
Good.
Chidi
I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of Les Misérables, in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph here?
"Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad. The officer chasing him is bad. All the whiny prostitutes are bad. Plus, they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."
Chidi
Do you see how you're already off topic?
Chidi, I've been around a long time like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points, 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.
Chidi
There is something called the Doctrine of Double Effect. In order to remain ethical, you can't just go into this with the intention of killing Derek. Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.
No, I got you, I got you. So, it's like ethically we should tell Jason that he used to be married to Janet, and it sure would be terrible if that ultimately led to Derek's death, wink.
Chidi
No, the winking is bad. You should not be winking or saying the word "wink.
I've been keeping a secret from you. About you.
Chidi
What is it?
The thing is, it's not even harming you, and if I tell you, I feel like it might harm you. So, uh, ethically speaking, I don't think I have to tell you.
Chidi
Yeah, well, forget all that. This is freaking me out. I'm losing my mind. So just tell me.
The Good Place · 289 quotes
