Chidi quotes from The Good Place

Tahani

And do you like France as much as I do?

Chidi

Well, they enslaved my country for 300 years. So no. But they have great museums.

Chidi

You cannot kill Janet. Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos.

Eleanor

Janet is a nonhuman object who was sent here to help us, and the way she can help us is if we kill her. We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason. The ends justify the means.

Chidi

Do you know who said that?

Eleanor

Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?

Chidi

It was Machiavelli. A very non-Oprah-like figure.

There have been 25 generations of Janet. Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom and social abilities. Fun fact: the first Janet had a click wheel.

Chidi

So it's like aging for a human? You're growing up?

That's how I like to think of it, Chidi. I can't eat, so every time there's a new version of Janet, I like to take a piece of birthday cake and smash it around where my mouth is.

Chidi

Look, Janet has learned and grown. She's essentially living a life. We can't kill her.

Eleanor

Not with that attitude, we can't! Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.

Chidi

Uh, no, that's not what that means at all.

Chidi, I can see that you're worried, and I just want to assure you, I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.

Chidi

Ah, thank you. That helps.

However, I should warn you... I am programmed with a fail-safe measure. As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life. It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real.

Eleanor

Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?

Chidi

I think I have to. Um, being a bystander seems worse, somehow. Okay, here we go.

[begging] Chidi, no, no, no! Chidi, please! Please, please, please don't hurt me. I don't want to die! Please, please...

Chidi

Ah!

Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier.

Chidi

Your pleading seems so real.

Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.

Eleanor

Oh, wow. Look, it's Weekend at Bernie's, 'cause you're a dead guy in sunglasses. We have fun, don't we, Chidi?

Chidi

I've never been more stressed out in my entire life.

Chidi

Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet?

A-B... Janet.

Eleanor

She knows her A-B-Janets.

Chidi

She literally knew everything in the universe, and now she's a baby.

Eleanor

Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.

Jason

That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.

Chidi

You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life.

Eleanor

No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.

Eleanor

I'm sorry I dragged you into this. And that I never did laundry. And that I waited until you were about to do yours then secretly tossed mine into the basket to trick you into doing it.

Chidi

You didn't trick me. I repeatedly asked you to stop.

Eleanor

Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.

Chidi

Famously a piano player.

Trevor

Look, if you don't come with us, we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.

Michael

Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?

Chidi

What uh, who's Shawn?

Michael

He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.

Tahani

And his name is... "Shawn"?

Michael

Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during Rock-Paper-Scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables." I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences.

Chidi

Oh, boy, now I'm nervous about that decision.

Michael

Retroactively? I mean, how do you even...?

Chidi

I don't know.

Come on, Chidi, pick someone.

Chidi

Don't pressure me, Uzo.I have to consider all the factors; Athletic strategies, the fragile egos of my classmates, and gender politics. Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards women's equality, or..or is that pandering? Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male point of view? I'm vexed, Uzo, vexed.

Michael

Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million. Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, you have -4,008.

Eleanor

That's not great, but I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces.

Chidi

You just lost five points.

Michael

Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.

Chidi

Ah, kind of like a last meal?

Michael

Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat.

Tahani

I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.

Chidi

That's what you think hell is?